Exploring Adoption

Resources for White Parents Adopting African American Children

A reader named Ron – who’s a new adoptive grandpa – writes:

My daughter and her husband have adopted an African American baby. My wife and I are both elated to have a grand-daughter. We want to do the right things so she, as an African American will be fine being adopted by a Caucasian family.  We love her dearly but love may not take care of everything.

 

Can you suggest any books or organizations that positively deal with this family structure?

My reply:

Ron, it’s great that you are so conscientious and supportive of your daughter and her husband’s new family structure.

• I recommend visiting Bridge Communications. Michelle Hughes is an expert at helping multiracial adoptive families. When I met her at the Ours Through Adoption Conference in Green Bay, WI this spring, she said, “I teach white parents how to raise black children.” That’s putting it bluntly, but it describes what Michelle does.

• My book, The Adoption Decision, includes a chapter about transracial adoption, with stories from new adoptive families who are experiencing the challenges and joys. The chapter also mentions several resources for helping families work through transracial adoption.

• One of my favorite books about transracial adoption is Black Baby, White Hands, a memoir by Jaiya John.

My Adoption Bookstore (from Amazon) lists many other adoption books I’ve read and enjoyed.

Readers, how about you? What resources, books, or organizations about trans-racial adoption have you found helpful?

Becoming a Multi-Ethnic Family

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

In her book, The Adoption Decision, Laura Christianson writes:

“When Caucasian families adopt children of a different ethnicity, they become a minority family.” 

When I read this statement, it took me back to the journey our family made to receive this honorary status.

My husband and I were raised in families in which racist comments arose on a regular basis. Our adoption agency informed us that we had a high chance of being matched with a Eurasian daughter with our selection of Kazakhstan. A deep concern plagued me, especially as we waited for that first glance of our daughter. I later discovered that my fears regarding our family’s feelings were unmerited. Both sides of our family received our daughter with open arms.

Quite honestly, I had my own struggles in our choice to adopt a different ethnicity—struggles which had nothing to do with prejudice. The conflict within me focused on the attention I anticipated our daughter would receive due to her appearance compared to the rest of the family.

I feared constant questions and intrusion about her adoption. I dreaded people asking about the cost, but more then that, the continual focus on her being adopted.

I didn’t intend on withholding information about her adoption, but I feared the ceaseless reminder might cause insecurity and problems for her. I conquered some of this apprehension by helping her feel proud about being born in Kazakhstan and talking freely with her about it.

I also wondered how she would feel if someone accused us of not being her parents? While leaving an establishment with her at 18 months old, I received questions about her being my child.  My daughter wouldn’t identify me as her mother, but thankfully, my friend with me did. I discovered from that episode the importance in carrying an identification card for her. I never leave home without it now.

I found that admitting my own inner battle to others eased my concerns and helped me see that others wrestled with the same issues.  My daughter has been with us for a little over three years now, and I’m proud to be considered her mother—and a minority family.

Beckie Stewart is a regular guest columnist on Exploring Adoption. She also blogs at www.godsgraciousgems.blogspot.com

Potty Training Gone Wild

By Debbie Jansen
Guest Columnist

Recently, I approached church moms with this question, “How do you plan to potty train your child?”  The answers were both astonishing and alarming.

“We believe in natural training.  I plan to skip diapers and go to normal clothes.  When he gets tired of the smell and being wet, he’ll figure it out.”

“I’m not going to let it rule my life.  If he can’t do it right, he’ll be punished.”

“I found a neat book that says I can give her diuretics and put her in a locked bathroom.” 

“I researched it thoroughly online.  The best way is to make him stay in the bathroom until it’s completed.  I’m going to put a crib mattress and TV in the bathroom.  We aren’t going to leave until he gets the idea.” 

“I’m so frustrated.  I’ve had her in pull-ups for 18 months.  She isn’t getting the idea and I want to scream.”

All of the above ideas can be damaging to your child because they don’t consider all the factors that make up potty training.  The thought process, bodily functions, mental capabilities, social gratification and self-esteem of your child must all play a role in potty training.

For the first time in your child’s life, he/she must learn a new task and transfer that task from the subconscious to the conscious.  Instead of a subconscious act, they must think ahead and plan for the future.  In place of no thoughts, he must understand that waiting until the last minute could mean soiled clothes.  Instead of enjoying play dates without concerns, she must now think about her appearance. 

That’s a huge task for such a little body and inexperienced mind.  There’s good news!  Potty training is easy and can be done in one day.  All it takes is a little planning, an understanding of your child’s needs and a lot of love.

**If you are facing this daunting task, I encourage you to get my 16-page booklet, Potty Training in One Day.  This booklet will help you train your child as you build your relationship.  Go to www.debbiejansen.com and click on Resources.

Debbie Jansen is the author of Discipline Exposed: Surviving Fried Worms and Flying Mudballs.

Visit her blogs at:

• www.family-tracks.blogspot.com

• www.mommydetective.blogspot.com

• www.authorsjustwrite.blogspot.com

Parenting Birth and Adopted Children

I received an e-mail from the parents of a biological daughter born in 2006. They hope to adopt a sibling group but are concerned about how that will impact their daughter over the long haul.

When people ask me what to expect when adding an adopted child (or children) to the mix when there are already birth children in the family, I respond:

Every adoption situation is unique. You mustn't judge the success or failure of your own prospective adoption based on the experiences of others.

My statement isn't a cop out; it's true. I know many families who have both bio and adopted children. For some of these families, the transition is quick and painless. For just as many others, it's long and painful.

So much depends upon:

• how one prepares their child(ren) for the arrival of a new sibling (whether that sibling be by birth or adoption)
• the type of support the extended family offers
• the family dynamics
• birth order shifts
• the emotional health of the child being adopted

I always recommend that families seek counseling from a therapist who specializes in adoption issues (yes, they exist!). Doing family counseling during those first few crucial transition months can smooth the transition for everyone, and provide family members with excellent tools for negotiating conflicts that are bound to arise. The social worker who is conducting your home study can refer you to counselors in your area who specialize in adoption.

Let's help this family out, readers.

• If you are part of a family that has both birth and adopted siblings, please share your overall experiences/advice in the Comments area.
• Please do the same if your family includes an adopted sibling group.
• What are some of resources and books on this topic that you recommend?

Having Trouble Finding Childcare? Try Speed Babysitting

Because adopted children usually arrive on the scene without much advance notice, parents who work outside the home (particularly single parents) must scramble to find childcare.  It’s not uncommon for an adoptive parent to spend most of his or her adoption leave madly searching for a nanny, daycare, or pre-school.

Enter speed babysitting. You’ve heard of speed dating, in which singles gather at a café or pub and chat for five minutes with a bunch of other singles. Apply that concept to finding a babysitter.

Sitter Socials, a California-based program, is one of a few services around the country that matches parents with available babysitters. Clients (aka, parents in need of a sitter) pay $50 to attend a neighborhood speed meeting (okay, “speed meeting” sounds vaguely illegal, but you get my drift). Parents spend three minutes apiece interviewing about a dozen potential babysitters. 

In addition, clients receive a book that contains profiles, references, and contact info for local babysitters (that, alone, would be worth 50 bucks!).

Sitter Socials also offer snacks and door prizes. After the initial speed interviews, there’s time for parents and sitters to negotiate deals.

It isn’t a perfect system, I suppose, but nothing in the I-need-childcare-right-now world is. I’m not sure whether speed babysitting applies to all-day care, or is just for parents in need of a night out. Either way, it might be worth looking into.

What do you think, readers? Have you tried speed babysitting? Did it work for you?

Source:
“Speed baby-sitting follows quickie dating,” by John Rogers, Associated Press, KnoxNews.com

Starting an Adoption Support Network (YouTube Video)

Want to learn some easy, low-budget tips for starting an adoption support community? Watch this 10-minute video. During my appearance on the TV talk show, The Harvest Show, I explain:

• Why it's critical to start an adoption support network for adoptive families, birth families, and adopted people.
• Tips for how anyone can start an adoption support community.
  
• Low-budget suggestions for how to start a ministry in your church.
• Forming healthy relationships between birth & adoptive families in open adoption.

A Unique Birthday Party Activity

Kids' birthday parties can be a challenge to plan. What activities can you do that keep the kids busily entertained and don't repeat what they've done at all their friends' b-day parties?

My 12-year-old son told me about the coolest-ever party idea for tween boys today when I was driving him home from cross country practice:

"Guess what my friend J did for his birthday party this summer?"

"What?"

"They got to go to his mom's science classroom at the middle school...

...and they got to dissect frogs!

One of the kids even fainted!"

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Will Your Child Be A Better Parent Than You?

“Mom, remember that obnoxious third grader who was running around the waiting room at the doctor’s office the other day, screaming his head off?”

How could I forget? “Yeah. What about him?”

“He’s one of our neighbors.”

Oh, joy.

My 12-year-old son squinted out our kitchen window through the soft Seattle drizzle. “I see that kid. And he’s standing on the roof of his house… Now he’s jumping off the roof. That kid just jumped off his roof!”

“What?” Startled, I joined my son at the window. “That roof is at least nine feet high!”

We peered across our backyard and into the neighbor’s front yard. Our jaws dropped when, a couple minutes later, an ambulance pulled up. They loaded an adult (not the jumper) into the ambulance (perhaps the kid’s mom had a heart attack when she discovered her son had been playing on the roof during a rainstorm).

My son, ever the philosopher, commented, “When I’m a parent, there’s NO WAY I will let my kids play on the roof.”

“I’m glad to hear that. A big part of a parent’s job is to try to protect his children. I’m sure you’ll be a great dad someday.”

My son nodded. “No offense, Mom, but I’ve watched you and Dad, and I’m learning from the—er—mistakes you make. That way, I won’t make the same mistakes when I’m a Dad.”

Humbling parental moment!

I smiled (with some chagrin), and replied, “Yep, we do make a lot of mistakes. One of my prayers for you is that you will learn from our mistakes and be a better parent than I am. My hope is that each generation does a better job parenting than the previous one.”

My son nodded. “Yeah, I’m going to be a good parent. And when my son turns 16, I’m going to give him up for adoption.”

My eyes narrowed as my head snapped his direction.

With a quick giggle, my son added, “Heh heh; just kidding.”  (he has a 16-year-old brother)
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Can I Love My Adopted Child as Much as My Birth Children?

In Part 1, guest columnist Beckie Stewart, a mother of four children ranging in age from 12-19, explained how her life turned topsy-turvy when she added an adopted infant to the mix.

By Beckie Stewart

One of the biggest issues I struggled with prior to adoption was the fear that I may not love my adopted child as much as my biological children. I found myself unable to share this fear with anyone but the Lord. It was discussed in some books and magazines, but not a lot.

After months of collecting all the necessary paperwork and waiting for information on an available child for us to adopt, we received a picture and short biography about a little girl from Kazakhstan, who was waiting for a forever family. The moment her picture came up on my computer, my heart pounded with excitement. I found my feelings for her were just like the day I gave birth to my other children. I knew I would sacrifice my life for this child.

That realization helped me understand how much my Heavenly Father loved me when He adopted me into His family. I can now confidently say, like Paul did in Romans 8:38-39, that I am absolutely persuaded that nothing can separate me from the love that the Father has for me.

It does not matter whether my daughter was born from my womb or not. She is my daughter, and I am her mother. Biological or adoption, being a mommy to a child is born in the heart, not in the belly.

The Lord is using this child to solidify in my heart what it truly means to love my children and to be loved by Him.

Beckie and her pastor husband, Joe, have 4 biological children and 1 adopted from Kazakhstan. They have been married 23 years and have been serving the Lord in Delavan, Illinois for the last 6 ½ years. E-mail Becky at beckiejoe@gmail.com.
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Guest Column: The Joys of Parenting Again

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

Choices. We make them every day. Most have little impact upon the destiny of our lives, but some significantly alter our lives forever.

The decision my husband and I made to adopt our daughter was one of those choices in my life. As a mother of four ranging in ages from 12 to 19, the option to restart our family brought obvious modifications to my lifestyle.

My daily routine once again involved diapers, bottles, bibs, and eventually potty training. Every trip from the house meant carting along the paraphernalia for caring for a little one or finding a sitter for that cherished alone time. A trip to the theater with a toddler must include popcorn to make it through the entire movie. A meal at a restaurant means high chairs, cups with lids, and an examination of the restroom facilities.

Learning from experience

However, with this choice also comes a chance to discover whether I had learned anything from my previous parenting mistakes. What techniques would I use this time to feed my fussy eater? How would I deal with sleeping issues? What action would I take when she broke into a temper tantrum in the grocery store after receiving a “no”? 

I believed I would be wiser, and was shocked to realize how easy it was for me to cave in to my toddler’s loud outbursts in order to regain my peaceful atmosphere. It quickly dawned on me that this wasn’t going to be any easier the second time around. I still had a lot to learn, but was fortunate to have a husband who was stronger than me in this area. He said “no” and stuck to it, and she survived.

Remembering how quickly the years had passed, I did find that with a baby in my life, my world was filled with uninhibited cuddles, kisses, and hugs again. What a joy it has been to watch a shy, reserved infant blossom into a bubbling, outgoing toddler.

How special to have your child, who did not even understand your language, look at you and say, “Mommy, may I ask you a question?” 

When I nod “yes,” she says, “I love you, Mommy? Now you ask.”

In Part 2 of this article, Beckie will explain the fear she had about whether she’d be able to love her adopted daughter as much as she loves her biological children.

Beckie and her pastor husband, Joe, have 4 biological children and 1 adopted from Kazakhstan. They have been married 23 years and have been serving the Lord in Delavan, Illinois for the last 6 ½ years. You can e-mail Beckie: beckiejoe@gmail.com
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Sign up for Adoption World, my free monthly eZine! Just send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com

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