Exploring Adoption

Camp for Adopted Teens Aug 28-30

Cindy Bigelow, founder and director of CHOSEN International, alerted me to the following:

Christian camp designed especially for teens, adopted at any age, both domestic and international.

Dates: August 28-30

Place: Eagle Fern Camp (near Portland, Oregon)

Camp theme: "The Father Heart of God,” and finding your identity in who God says you are

Speakers: Adult adoptees, including:

• Kim Deardorff, a musician from Nashville who was found in a garbage dump as a baby in Korea. He just finished touring with some of Christian music's top artists on the Winter Jam Tour.
• Stephanie Fast, an internationally-known speaker whose story is one of Focus on the Family's most requested broadcasts ever (I’ve heart Stephanie speak; she’s amazing).
• Michael Froke, who was in foster care and never adopted. He now is an adoptive dad, and leads a large recovery ministry in Southern Oregon.

Cost: $100, which includes a popular CHOSEN hoodie. Some partial scholarships are available through Chosen.  Also, some churches are paying the tuition for teens from their church to attend.

CHOSEN board member (and popular adoption author/speaker) Sherrie Eldridge has said:

"Something extraordinary happens when adoptees connect with one another, a reassurance of being understood, an unspoken bond, a feeling of camaraderie, a sense of belonging..."

Cindy writes:

The adult adoptees that we have as speakers have an incredible way of relating to the teens…they help them process many of the emotions related to feelings of abandonment, rejection, shame and loss by sharing the way God has taken them through these feelings to claim their inheritance from Him.

For more info and to download a registration form, visit the Events page at www.choseninternational.org.

CHOSEN International is a faith based nonprofit organization providing educational, emotional and spiritual support to teen adoptees and their parents.

Becoming a Multi-Ethnic Family

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

In her book, The Adoption Decision, Laura Christianson writes:

“When Caucasian families adopt children of a different ethnicity, they become a minority family.” 

When I read this statement, it took me back to the journey our family made to receive this honorary status.

My husband and I were raised in families in which racist comments arose on a regular basis. Our adoption agency informed us that we had a high chance of being matched with a Eurasian daughter with our selection of Kazakhstan. A deep concern plagued me, especially as we waited for that first glance of our daughter. I later discovered that my fears regarding our family’s feelings were unmerited. Both sides of our family received our daughter with open arms.

Quite honestly, I had my own struggles in our choice to adopt a different ethnicity—struggles which had nothing to do with prejudice. The conflict within me focused on the attention I anticipated our daughter would receive due to her appearance compared to the rest of the family.

I feared constant questions and intrusion about her adoption. I dreaded people asking about the cost, but more then that, the continual focus on her being adopted.

I didn’t intend on withholding information about her adoption, but I feared the ceaseless reminder might cause insecurity and problems for her. I conquered some of this apprehension by helping her feel proud about being born in Kazakhstan and talking freely with her about it.

I also wondered how she would feel if someone accused us of not being her parents? While leaving an establishment with her at 18 months old, I received questions about her being my child.  My daughter wouldn’t identify me as her mother, but thankfully, my friend with me did. I discovered from that episode the importance in carrying an identification card for her. I never leave home without it now.

I found that admitting my own inner battle to others eased my concerns and helped me see that others wrestled with the same issues.  My daughter has been with us for a little over three years now, and I’m proud to be considered her mother—and a minority family.

Beckie Stewart is a regular guest columnist on Exploring Adoption. She also blogs at www.godsgraciousgems.blogspot.com

Communicating by Hand in Kazakhstan

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

The winter of 2005 proved to be the most frigid winter in fifty years in the northeastern land of Kazakhstan. Within minutes of being outside, the cold promised to sap the breath out of those who walked in its domain.

Nestled 700 kilometers southeast of Omsk, Russia, the city of Semipalatinsk's temperatures dropped below forty degrees Celsius at night. The opportunity to learn about the region our daughter was born in was kept to day when sunlight warded off the worst of the bone-chilling weather.

One particular afternoon following our visit with our daughter-to-be at the orphanage, my husband decided to finish up our souvenir shopping before returning to the apartment. I remained in the van with our driver, Pasha. A communication barrier loomed between us as neither one of us spoke anything but a few sporadic words of the other's language.

After my husband and the translator left, Pasha nodded his head, peeked through the rearview mirror at me, and gave a grin that displayed jagged spaced teeth with portions of silver and tan. He rocked his head back and forth and pointed to the two men. Wrapping his arms around his body, he chattered his teeth. With his voice raised at the end of his sentence, I knew he asked me a question.

Nodding my head, I circled my finger around the side of my head and said, “Yes. They are crazy. I have no desire to be out there.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. We watched cars scurrying up and down the street. Some cars parked, and those dressed in proper winter gear exited out and preceded toward the outdoor shopping bazaar. This place with the best bargains for traditional Kazakhstan kitchenware as well as clothing provided safety from the frosty weather with only a tent covering.

Tugging the flaps of his hat, Pasha pointed to the various men and women who walked by in their long mink coats. He shook his head, “No,” as he pointed to his head, the others, and then at me. I understood by now that one wears a head covering under all circumstances, but especially during these severe weather conditions. I learned that the men wore either a mink tundra hat or a leather beret. The women wore fur hats that resembled a huge ball of animal hair. Regardless of the style, each hat included flaps so the ears were protected from the icy winds sweeping through them.

“I was too hot in here to keep my hat on,” I said. I waved my hand in front of my face, stuck out my tongue, and panted like a thirsty dog. Pasha laughed and turned down the heat and reached to touch my head. Not wishing to offend him in anyway, I put my hat back on.

“How do the ladies walk in those boots?” I asked Pasha as I lifted up my foot and pointed to the heels. “I would fall down and break my neck,” I said as I collapsed onto the seat and grabbed my neck.

Pasha chuckled, lifted his foot, and with force rammed his heel down to the floor.

“Well, that makes sense,” I said as I shook my head, “But I’m sure I’d still fall.” I dropped back down on the seat again. He laughed and fell down on the front seat. When he sat back up, we exchanged smiles with each other.

As Pasha asked me a question in Russian, he swung his arms and reached around his back and said my husband’s name.

I nodded as I recalled the evening my husband recollected to me about his experience at the men’s bathhouse with the Pasha and Darkhan, the translator.

“Oy! Oy!” he said several times.

“Yes. He said it hurt when you hit each other with the sticks,” I said as I swayed my hands like I cracked a whip.

Pasha’s smile disappeared and with hesitation in his words, I realized he was concerned that my husband didn’t enjoy his experience. I wrapped my arms around myself and smiled to assure him that he liked it. He seemed to comprehend my message as his colorful teeth gleamed from his mouth again.

Time quickly passed as we continued our game of charades with lots of laughs shared between us. The lesson I learned that day was that actions do speak louder than words.

Learn more about Beckie at God's Gracious Gems blog, and at her adoption foundation, Our Creator's Hope.

Why Adopt Internationally?

A reader just commented on my post, "Pros and Cons of Domestic vs. International Adoption." 

She writes:

I think that we should adopt from the US. I mean these kids in our country need help so why are we adopting from other countries? Because we think its cool? The "IT" thing?

There are sooo many kids here in the states that are living in orphanages and without families. It's way easier to adopt from the US too and it could maybe boost up the economy a little bit more.

I agree with you, reader, in that there are a ton of kids in foster care who are waiting to be adopted (over 115,000 at last count). There are also over 150 MILLION orphans worldwide (most of whom will never be adopted for various reasons).

As for it being "easier" to adopt from the US, that's debatable. No form of adoption easy.

And boosting the economy? I thought I'd heard every argument in the book regarding whether to adopt, but that's a new one to me. If massive amounts of kids exited foster care, thus removing the expenditures the states make on behalf of foster children, that could help boost the economy.

But let's address the heart of this reader's issue:
Is intercountry adoption merely the "it" thing to do? Or is there a deeper, greater purpose?

Would those of you who have adopted from other countries or are in the process of doing so please share your thoughts? Let's learn with and from one another!

Related articles

• Where to Find Information about Restrictions on Adoption for People Adopting Internationally
• "Celebrity Adoptions and The Real World," New York Times, May 11, 2009

Madonna's Quest to Adopt Second Child From Malawi Rejected

If you follow the news, you probably couldn't help overhearing that Madonna was sent packing by Malawian officials Friday, after attempting to adopt 3 1/2-year-old Mercy James.

An article in People magazine notes that prospective adoptive parents must live in Malawi for 18 to 24 months prior to adopting. Madonna lives in New York and London.

Stephen M. Silverman of People writes:

Madonna, 50, adopted her son, David Banda, now 3, from Malawi in 2008; she was granted custody and allowed to take him out of the country two years earlier. That adoption caused controversy, including claims that her application received special status because of her celebrity.

The Los Angeles Times ran an intriguing commentary on the Madonna adoption controversy in today's Op-Ed column.

Beth Nonte Russell reports that the judge who rejected Madonna's request to waive the residency requirement said that doing so would set a dangerous precedent.

I assume that the "dangerous precedent" the judge refers to is child trafficking. If any old person is allowed to adopt a child from Malawi without first living there a year and a half, that must mean the adoptive parent intends to illegally sell the child on the black market or turn the child into a slave.

While we all know that these atrocities happen, just how likely is is that Madonna -- one of the most recognizable public figures of our time (both with and without her clothes on) -- would get away with child trafficking?

That's not really the point, though. The point is that BECAUSE Madonna is a well-known public figure, Malawi would have to bend the rules for all adoptive parents if it bends the rules for Madonna.

But would bending the rules be so bad in the large scheme of things? Russell brings up several good points in her column:

• Malawi has an estimated 1 million orphans, and the number of orphans worldwide continues to skyrocket (particularly in African countries, where AIDS is pandemic).
• Within many of these countries, there is a rising attitude of nationalism, which holds that children born in a country "belong" to that country and should not be adopted by foreigners."

Russell writes:

This stance is a form of modern-day slavery, which in effect holds individuals hostage to nebulous ideas of culture and race. The needs of human infants and children are universal and have no relationship to what country, racial group or political system one is born into. These orphaned children do not have a voice and are therefore used as political, financial and cultural pawns.

Russell also questions why a child should be kept in an orphanage when a viable alternative (adoption) exists.

I echo her question. Is it truly better for the child to grow up in an orphanage -- likely undernourished physically, emotionally, and spiritually -- or to be adopted by people of another race, from another country, and have the opportunity to live a productive life?

Does an alternative exist for Mercy James and millions of children like her?

Let's discuss this important issue, readers. Please chime in with your thoughts.

Gratitude for the Choice of Life

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

I’m a mom of five children, but an adoptive mother to one. I didn’t receive much information on my daughter’s birth mother, but I often think about her. I wish to honor her memory and the precious gift bestowed upon me because of her choices.

I imagine that when this young woman discovered she was pregnant, she asked, What do I do? What is the best decision?  

I envision her struggling with intense emotions…she is unmarried, and in Kazakhstan it is considered taboo to bear children out of wedlock…abortion is an option…she eventually makes the first difficult decision.  She chooses life for her unborn child.

On April eleventh, she makes her second difficult decision. She gives birth to a little girl with dark hair, dark eyes, and light brown skin. The baby weighs less than six pounds. This young mother decides to release her little girl for adoption. I believe she would choose to be with her baby forever, but she knows she cannot care for her without a home or job.

As she signs the papers, she takes special note of the butterfly birthmark on her daughter’s face. She knows that mark will allow her to recognize her daughter instantly should their paths ever cross.  

However, this young mother also knows that a family in Kazakhstan is not likely to adopt her baby due to this small imperfection. The thought of never seeing her daughter hurts deeply; nevertheless, she signs the forms to release her baby for adoption.

Ten days later, Aida is brought to the local orphanage where is cared for while her paperwork is processed on the local database. Little Aida waits three months before she is eligible for international adoption. During that time she becomes the favorite of several caretakers and is noted as the most active baby in the nursery.

 With temperatures below twenty degrees and the New Year holidays quickly approaching, my husband and I arrive in Kazakhstan.  We spend two hours with Aida each day for two weeks before we can petition the courts for her adoption. 

It takes forty days from start to finish, but finally she is declared our daughter.  We return to the USA and her four excited siblings, who are instantly enraptured with their baby sister. 

On Aida’s birthday each year, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for the young woman who chose life. I pray for her peace and salvation. Through the sacrifice of this young mother, I have come to understand just how much my Heavenly Father loves me.

What an incredible gift I have been given to be able to be called “Mommy” by Aida. 

10 Things You Need to Know Before Adopting from China

Want to win copies of my books the easy way? 

Head over to Camy's Loft. My author friend, Camy Tang, is giving away The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting and The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System on her blog this week.

To enter, comment on the blog post that features my books and tell Camy you want to enter. She'll select the winner Thursday, Oct 16.

Camy and her hubby are thinking about adopting from China, so I sent her a list: "10 Things Camy Needs to Know Before Adopting from China."

First item on the list:

1. Adopting means choosing to love a child with whom you are not genetically connected, and affirming your child’s uniqueness.

Read the post at Camy's Loft for the other 9 items, and a fun question about naming your child.

'Adoption Adventure' Blogger Reviews 'The Adoption Decision'

Lena Wright, a fellow blogger who's waiting to adopt two brothers from Haiti, whom she met on a mission trip this summer, reviewed The Adoption Decision on her Adoption Adventure blog. 

Here are excerpts from her review:

This is a book that I highly recommend for people considering adoption, those already in the process of adopting and even those who have already adopted.

Laura does a great job of using humor and real life stories to convey serious issues that need to be considered by prospective adoptive parents. I appreciated the author’s use of scripture and her decidedly Christian world view.

Laura shares the stories of many different adoptive families and this... provides a realistic picture of adoption so that readers can go into the process with their eyes opened to some of the challenges. She managed to strike a healthy balance between the reality of adoption and the fantasy or naiveté that prospective adoptive parents may have at the beginning of the adoption process.

This book helped stimulate discussion between my husband and I... she got us thinking about situations we may encounter with our adopted children. This will allow us to devise our own strategies for dealing with the challenges that we encounter as an adoptive family.

The Adoption Decision also included discussion/reflection questions and a good list of resources. I found this book to be highly useful, user friendly and thoughtfully written. I believe it will be a valued resource as we continue on this Adoption Adventure! I highly recommend The Adoption Decision.

Here's a cool YouTube video of kids at the orphanage in Haiti:

Can I Love My Adopted Child as Much as My Birth Children?

In Part 1, guest columnist Beckie Stewart, a mother of four children ranging in age from 12-19, explained how her life turned topsy-turvy when she added an adopted infant to the mix.

By Beckie Stewart

One of the biggest issues I struggled with prior to adoption was the fear that I may not love my adopted child as much as my biological children. I found myself unable to share this fear with anyone but the Lord. It was discussed in some books and magazines, but not a lot.

After months of collecting all the necessary paperwork and waiting for information on an available child for us to adopt, we received a picture and short biography about a little girl from Kazakhstan, who was waiting for a forever family. The moment her picture came up on my computer, my heart pounded with excitement. I found my feelings for her were just like the day I gave birth to my other children. I knew I would sacrifice my life for this child.

That realization helped me understand how much my Heavenly Father loved me when He adopted me into His family. I can now confidently say, like Paul did in Romans 8:38-39, that I am absolutely persuaded that nothing can separate me from the love that the Father has for me.

It does not matter whether my daughter was born from my womb or not. She is my daughter, and I am her mother. Biological or adoption, being a mommy to a child is born in the heart, not in the belly.

The Lord is using this child to solidify in my heart what it truly means to love my children and to be loved by Him.

Beckie and her pastor husband, Joe, have 4 biological children and 1 adopted from Kazakhstan. They have been married 23 years and have been serving the Lord in Delavan, Illinois for the last 6 ½ years. E-mail Becky at beckiejoe@gmail.com.
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Guest Column: The Joys of Parenting Again

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

Choices. We make them every day. Most have little impact upon the destiny of our lives, but some significantly alter our lives forever.

The decision my husband and I made to adopt our daughter was one of those choices in my life. As a mother of four ranging in ages from 12 to 19, the option to restart our family brought obvious modifications to my lifestyle.

My daily routine once again involved diapers, bottles, bibs, and eventually potty training. Every trip from the house meant carting along the paraphernalia for caring for a little one or finding a sitter for that cherished alone time. A trip to the theater with a toddler must include popcorn to make it through the entire movie. A meal at a restaurant means high chairs, cups with lids, and an examination of the restroom facilities.

Learning from experience

However, with this choice also comes a chance to discover whether I had learned anything from my previous parenting mistakes. What techniques would I use this time to feed my fussy eater? How would I deal with sleeping issues? What action would I take when she broke into a temper tantrum in the grocery store after receiving a “no”? 

I believed I would be wiser, and was shocked to realize how easy it was for me to cave in to my toddler’s loud outbursts in order to regain my peaceful atmosphere. It quickly dawned on me that this wasn’t going to be any easier the second time around. I still had a lot to learn, but was fortunate to have a husband who was stronger than me in this area. He said “no” and stuck to it, and she survived.

Remembering how quickly the years had passed, I did find that with a baby in my life, my world was filled with uninhibited cuddles, kisses, and hugs again. What a joy it has been to watch a shy, reserved infant blossom into a bubbling, outgoing toddler.

How special to have your child, who did not even understand your language, look at you and say, “Mommy, may I ask you a question?” 

When I nod “yes,” she says, “I love you, Mommy? Now you ask.”

In Part 2 of this article, Beckie will explain the fear she had about whether she’d be able to love her adopted daughter as much as she loves her biological children.

Beckie and her pastor husband, Joe, have 4 biological children and 1 adopted from Kazakhstan. They have been married 23 years and have been serving the Lord in Delavan, Illinois for the last 6 ½ years. You can e-mail Beckie: beckiejoe@gmail.com
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Sign up for Adoption World, my free monthly eZine! Just send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Amazon Exploring Adoption bookstore.

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