Exploring Adoption

A Male's Perspective on Infertility and Adoption

I was pleasantly surprised to read a personal experience article about infertility--written by a man--in Today's Christian magazine (Jan/Feb 2008).

In the article, Elliott J. Anderson, author of Answers in Abundance: A Miraculous Adoption Journey as Told from a Father's Heart, candidly shares his struggles with infertility, his emotional and spiritual shift to considering adoption, and some amazing truths the Bible reveals about infertility and adoption.

I haven't read his book yet, but if it's anywhere near as well-written as the article, I can't wait to get my hands on it!

For more news and information on adoption topics, please visit www.laurachristianson.com or my Amazon Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Faith-Based Resources for Infertility & Adoption Support

One of my readers has formed a support group in her parish for those who suffer infertility, miscarriage, infant death, and the challenges of the adoption process.

She would like to locate faith-based fliers or brochures on those topics so her group can offer these materials in their local churches.

I know of several books and internet resources on these topics, but haven't seen much in the way of brochures. Readers, let's create a list together.

Bethany Christian Services offers a resource catalog that contains a variety of booklets and brochures for:

• adoptive parents
• pregnancy counseling
• churches

For churches, they offer a brochure that answers common questions pastors have about crisis pregnancy, adoption, and infertility. They also have an adoption poster, an adoption bulletin insert, and a booklet of meditations about the sanctity of human life.

One of my favorite resources for infertility support and pregnancy loss is Stepping Stones, also a ministry of Bethany Christian Services. I have subscribed to the Stepping Stones newsletter for years -- the 8-page quarterly publication always contains encouraging stories and interesting tidbits.

Bethany also has a state-by-state support group directory for infertility, pregnancy loss, and adoption.

The Christian Alliance for Orphans focuses on orphan care ministry and includes several resources for adoption, foster care, orphan care, and church orphans ministry. The site also lists a few support groups and faith-based adoption ministries.

If you're looking for a resource handbook on how to start a faith-based adoption or orphan care ministry, be sure to check out my book, The Adoption Network.

Presbyterians Pro-Life offers a church resource packet called "God Gives Us LIFE Through Adoption." The packet includes a poster you can display at your church, and contains information designed to raise awareness of the adoption option among church members and especially among young women making pregnancy decisions.

Hannah's Prayer Ministries is one of my long-time favorite resources that provides Christian support for women experiencing infertility (including secondary infertility), pregnancy loss, or infant/child loss.

FamilyLife's Hope For Orphans offers links to several infertility and adoption-related resources.

If you're looking for books that offer support and encouragement for people facing fertility challenges, miscarriage, or infant loss, visit my Amazon bookstore. You'll also find lots of great adoption books listed there, organized by topic so you can easily find what you need.

Readers, what are your favorite faith-based infertility and/or adoption resources?

Surviving Infertility During the Holidays

Mental preparation is a must for anyone who plans to survive the frenetic pace of holiday family gatherings. This is particularly true for an estimated 6 million infertile American women, who’d rather be decorating the nursery than decking the halls. For women who struggle to conceive a child, family festivities intensify feelings of isolation and grief.

If the thought of babies being dandled by fawning relatives is enough to make you burst into tears and run for cover, try some of the following alternatives. You’ll not only survive the holidays with your sanity intact; you may even enjoy them.

Brag about Bowser. Write a holiday newsletter from the perspective of your cat, dog, iguana or ferret. Detail the events of your pet’s year. Include pictures. Send it to everyone you know.

Avoid child-oriented events. Send a note or special gift to the hosts, graciously declining their invitation. Console yourself the evening of the party by building a fire (or sitting in front of a toasty oven) and reading books by Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry or Andy Rooney.

Leave home. Take a mini vacation with your spouse to a romantic bed and breakfast inn. Make your relationship – not your baby quest – top priority for an entire weekend. Remind each other that it doesn’t take a child to make a family; you and your partner are a family already.

Learn a winter sport together. Cross-country ski, ice skate or snowshoe. They’re inexpensive, relatively safe, and emotionally refreshing.

Get crafty. Knit scarves, design jewelry or construct wooden paper towel holders. Sell them at a holiday bazaar.

Be spontaneous. Join a group of Christmas carolers and sing at your neighborhood nursing home.

Reach out. Invite another childless couple over to craft clay ornaments, bake cookies, or string popcorn for the tree.

Love others. Spend Christmas Eve serving at the local soup kitchen, mission, or shelter.

Write a love letter to your spouse. Thank him or her for being part of your life, for loving you through the ups and downs. Wrap the letter in festive paper and present it to your spouse as a special gift.

You'll find additional suggestions for how to cope with holiday-related stress in an article by Teri Brown: "Clomid for Christmas: Surviving Medical Treatments During the Holidays." Check it out at preconception.com.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Infertility Etiquette

The "Living a New Life With Infertility" blog reprinted an interesting article written by Vita Alligood for RESOLVE (the national infertility organization) about what to say--and what not to say--to a friend who's experiencing fertility challenges.

Here are the article's subject headings -- you'll want to read the full text under each heading:

• Don’t Tell Them to Relax
• Don’t Minimize the Problem
• Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
• Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
• Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
• Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
• Don’t Play Doctor
• Don’t Be Crude
• Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
• Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
• Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition
• Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
• Let Them Know That You Care
• Let Them Know That You Care
• Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

My new book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting, has a chapter called "Missed Conception: Adopt And You'll Get Pregnant," in which I share anecdotes from several infertile people (myself included) who explain how they worked through all the advice they received when they were struggling with infertility. Read the chapter summary and a short excerpt.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Viagra Use and Infertility Linked

Consumer Reports (October 2007) discusses a small study that suggests Viagra might impair male fertility.

"Semen samples from 57 men were exposed tot he same concentrations of sildenafil (Viagra) present in the blood 30 minutes after taking a 100-milligram pill. They found that the drug made sperm more active and caused premature activation of an enzyme needed for the penetration of an egg, potentially thwarting fertilization."

The findings conflict with those of some previous studies, so it's uncertain how definitive the results of this small study are. What I found interesting about the article is that the use of erectile drugs among men ages 18 to 45 has soared. Most of the ads you see on TV portray older gentlemen, but apparently, younger men are frequently using the drug "recreationally."

Kenyan Pastor Arrested for Scamming Infertile Couples

I found an intriguing little article buried on page 19 of today's Seattle Times.

A pastor in Kenya was arrested for claiming to help infertile couples conceive "miracle babies."

Apparently, Pastor Gilbert Deya blessed infertile and post-menopausal women, praying that they would conceive "through the power of prayer and the Lord Jesus."

Nairobi police say Deya then sent the women to Kenya, supposedly to give birth.

In a not-so-coincidental coincidence, at the same time these prayed-for women were supposedly giving birth, newborn babies born to other parents were disappearing from the hospital. Some of these parents were told that their newborns had died when their babies disappeared from the hospital.

One "pregnant" woman whom Deya had prayed for described receiving injections for presumed labor pain, but was not conscious during childbirth.

Deya faces kidnapping charges and is suspected of international child trafficking.

Source: The Seattle Times, "Miracle" babies may have been kidnapped (Associated Press)

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Longing for a Child: Devotions of Hope for Your Journey Through Infertility

Kathe Wunnenberg knows what it’s like to yearn for a child to continue the family legacy. She knows what it’s like to suffer in silence through years of infertility, infant loss, failed adoption, and miscarriage. She describes her devotional book, Longing for a Child, as a “companion of hope” for those who experience fertility challenges.

Similar to her first two books, Grieving the Loss of a Loved One and Grieving the Child I Never Knew, this book is divided into twelve sections with five devotions in each.

The sections are as follows:

1. Longing
2. Wondering
3. Waiting
4. Resenting
5. Hoping
6. Bracing
7. Guarding
8. Trusting
9. Releasing
10. Redirecting
11. Accepting
12. Embracing

A thirteenth section contains 19 special meditations for special days, such as:

• Mother’s Day
• Father’s Day
• Baby Showers
• When Your Pregnancy Test is Negative
• When Your Pregnancy Test is Positive
• When You Face a Medical Procedure
• When Your Adoption Fails
• When You Face Financial Problems
• When Your Doctor Disappoints You
• When Someone You Know Becomes Pregnant of Has a Baby

These meditations are organized a bit differently than the rest of the devotions; they begin with a Scripture verse or verses and then ask you to personalize the verse by replacing “you” with “me”; to proclaim the verse by reading it aloud several times; to ponder the verse by reflecting on particular words, phrases and images that encourage you; and to pray the verse, offering it back to God as a personalized prayer.

At the end of each meditation, the author cross references devotions from other parts of the book that tie in thematically with the reflection.

The first twelve sections of devotions are organized as follows:
Each devotion begins with a Scripture verse, followed by a short thematic story, a prayer, three-to-five reflection questions, and space for you to journal your thoughts.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the beginning of Devotion 23, “Hope and Joy”:

“You’re pregnant!” my doctor announced with a smile.

My response? Silence. Though this should have been a celebratory moment for me, it wasn’t. I was scared. Will I lose this child too? I wondered? I couldn’t bear the thought of losing a fifth child…Hope could not be trusted. It had betrayed me in the past…

Longing for a Child deserves a place on the bookshelf of anyone who is experiencing infertility, miscarriage, or infant loss. It would also be an appropriate book to gift to someone who’s facing fertility challenges.

Longing for a Child, by Kathe Wunnenberg ©2005, Zondervan $14.99

For more news and information about adoption, please visit my Web site, www.laurachristianson.com.

Six Ways to Educate Others About Your Infertility

Part 2 of 2

In the previous post, I overviewed the emotional state of infertile couples, as described in Patricia Irwin Johnston’s book, Adopting After Infertility.

Today, we’ll look at six ways others can support an infertile couple. Here’s a recap of Johnston’s tips:

Information. When a well-meaning friend makes a blooper, diplomatically point it out. Every time you educate someone, “you increase the likelihood that this person’s sensitivity level will be raised to the point of her being unlikely to repeat such errors.”

Sensitivity. Be open to the pain of those close to you who mourn for you. Your parents, in particular, may feel guilty that they’ve done something to contribute to your infertility. They also mourn the loss of your genetic children.

Patience. You and your spouse have already spent a lot of time thinking through your infertility and making decisions. Your friends and family haven’t. They need time to adjust.

Openness. Don’t collect every hurtful thing about infertility everyone says to you and then let loose on everyone at the next family gathering. “Use private moments to sensitize your loved ones.

Clarity. As you inform, keep your discussions simple, brief, and factual.

Responsiveness. Once you have educated those close to you about infertility, you should be able to assume that that friend will no longer give thoughtless advice. Sometimes, says Johnston, friends see the situation even more clearly than you do. If they’re educated and thoughtful, listen to them.

Johnston concludes by saying that it’s perfectly fine to avoid baby showers and other celebrations that cause you emotional pain. How do you gracefully bow out?

Create a conflict in your schedule. You don’t have to explain what the conflict is, just extend your regrets. Holidays are tougher, admits Johnston. She advises, “Consider allowing yourself the privilege of leaving town altogether for the holidays”…tell your family that you’ve arranged a special getaway time for yourselves.

Enlist the help of a sensitive friend. Ask this person to have a quiet heart-to-heart with the offended or offensive host or guest of honor.

Her final word of caution: No matter what you do to educate them, some people will remain forever insensitive. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Avoid contact with them as much as possible.

For more news and information about adoption, please visit my Web site, www.laurachristianson.com.

Oh, Those Moody Infertile People!

Part 1 of 2

I’m re-reading Patricia Irwin Johnston’s book, Adopting After Infertility. Early on in the book, she discusses how to deal with family and friends in regards to your fertility impairment.

Johnston points out that infertile people tend to be moody—every month, there’s that cycle of hope followed by despair. Events that other people celebrate, such as baby showers, Mother’s Day and kiddie birthday parties, make infertile people squirm and run for cover.

Infertile couples tend to be inwardly focused, she writes. There’s that fun daily basal body temperature chart, umpteen doctor’s appointments, a rigid schedule for intercourse, days and times to take medication…and the list goes on and on.

Frankly, most people don’t know how to act around infertile people. So, it’s up to the infertile couple (or adopting couple, if it comes to that) to educate and sensitize people. “Unless you educate them, you can’t expect them to understand your frustrations,” Johnston writes.

So, how do you do that?  Johnston nudges readers to think back to when you first learned about your infertility. You probably didn’t know much about it. “You probably tended to deny it for a while because the idea was frightening.”  You were probably embarrassed by it. Your friends and family are at that point now.

They don’t know what to think or what to say; they don’t know what causes infertility or how exactly to “cure” it. So they blurt out the first thing that comes to mind: “Relax and you’ll get pregnant. Adopt and you’ll get pregnant. Go on vacation. Drink a glass of wine. Avoid hot tubs. Wear boxer shorts instead of briefs.”

Johnston reminds us that we were probably guilty of insensitivity, too, before we knew “that infertility has emotional consequences rather than emotional causes, before you knew that it wasn’t primarily a female condition, before you realized that one in five couples experiences it.”

In the next post: Six tips for educating others about your infertility

For more news and information about adoption, please visit my Web site, www.laurachristianson.com.

Review: 'Starting an Infertility Support Group'

In my previous post, I reviewed a Bible study for couples facing fertility challenges. Today, I’ll review another publication from Stepping Stones: “Starting an Infertility Support Group.”

Written by John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter, co-directors of Stepping Stones, this 20-page booklet provides practical tips for those who want to start a support group.

The booklet addresses the following questions:

Section 1: Before you begin

• Are you willing to devote time and energy to this project?
• Who should begin a support group?
• Is it worth it?
• Do you have at least one other person who can help you?
• Are you willing to bathe this project in prayer?

Section 2: Deciding what kind of group you want
This section introduces you to several ways to structure your support group:

• Informal group of two or more people meeting for coffee and conversation
• Bible study or book discussion group
• Topical discussion group
• Counselor-led group
• Women-only group
• Couples group

Section 3: Getting started
This section offers tips for naming your group, financing your group, deciding where and when your group will meet, and publicizing your group.

Section 4: Odds and ends
This section suggests ways to structure group meetings, to share in prayer support, and to educate the church and Christian community about infertility issues. It also contains some helpful information about setting limits on how long to maintain the group.

I have facilitated a fertility challenges support group and I’m currently writing a booklet on how to start an adoption ministry in your church or community, so I was interested to see whether I could glean any new tips from this booklet.

Here are a few things I found particularly helpful:
You don’t need to have your infertility issues resolved before you start a support group, but you should be at the point where you’re ready to minister to others in addition to meeting your own needs.

The authors explain the pros and cons of meeting in a church vs. meeting in a private home vs. meeting in a neutral location such as a library or physician’s office.

They also offer some good information about maintaining a group. Infertility groups are tricky to maintain – those within the group often connect on a very deep level and when one couple achieves pregnancy, they usually leave the group because they don’t want to make the others uncomfortable. When that happens, the entire group grieves together, both for the member(s) who have moved on, as well as for the others in the group who are not pregnant.

The authors suggest deciding up front how long the group will continue. They recommend starting a new 10-week group periodically, so that those who would like to leave the group can make a graceful exit, so that those who want to continue can form a new group, and so that potential new members don’t’ feel awkward about joining.

This booklet can be purchased from the Stepping Stones bookstore for $11.00.

You can also register to receive the ministry’s free 8-page bimonthly newsletter, Stepping Stones. I just received the May/June issue, which discusses the role that humor can play in healing a heart hurt by infertility. The July/August issue will focus on pregnancy loss.

For more articles, please visit my Web site, www.laurachristianson.com.