Exploring Adoption

Free Services to Locate Birth Family Members

I have been corresponding with a 27-year-old adoptee in a closed adoption. Her birth mother has passed away but she is interested in locating and connecting with other birth relatives so she can get a sense of closure regarding her adoption.

Can anyone recommend free services that help people locate biological family members, or do all these services charge a fee?  Any recommendations from those of you who have done this? She'd like to work with a service in Southern California, if there is one.

I recommended that she start her search by contacting the agency or facilitator through which her birth mother placed her -- often, agencies keep letters from birth family members on file and they make those available upon request.

Would love to hear from those of you who have successfully conducted searches -- please share what works and doesn't work.

What Should I Do When My Child Wants to Find Her Birth Family?

Pictured: Our son and his birth father attend a Veteran's Day concert together at our son's school.

From one of my readers: 

“I want to adopt but I am afraid of what will happen if my child wants to find her birth family when she gets older. I don’t know how I will feel. I know I’m selfish, but I’m also scared."

Over 80 percent of domestic infant adoptions involve some form of ongoing communication among adoptive and birth families. So, whether you are a pregnant women who’s considering placing your baby for adoption or a person who’s considering adopting a baby, chances are that you will either meet (before and/or after the baby’s birth), exchange letters and photos on a pre-arranged schedule, e-mail and/or call one another, or have regular visits with one another as your child grows.

It’s normal for both adoptive and birth parents to have fears about what will happen after the baby is adopted. After all, you’re taking a great leap of faith into the unknown, forging what could be a relationship that encompasses your child’s entire lifetime.

Birth parents may wonder:

• Did I choose the right people to parent my child?
• Will my child be happy and healthy with these people?
• What if everything they’re telling me about themselves is a sham and they’re child abusers in disguise?
• Will my child forget about me? …Resent me because I placed him for adoption?
• If I remain a part of my child’s life, how healthy will that relationship be for me? …For my child? For his adoptive parents? What will my role be?

Adoptive parents may wonder:

• Can I trust that the birth parent(s) won’t try to take their child back?
• If birth parents are in the picture, will they try to co-parent? … Will my child decide he likes them better than he likes me? Will my child be confused about who his real parents are?
• Will I be able to prove to the birth parents that I lived up to their expectations?

There are no easy answers to these questions, and since adoption is such a relational medium, every situation is unique. So I’ll share a few insights based on my 15+ years of direct experience with four completely open adoptions. Two of them are with my [adopted] sons’ birth families, one is with my sister-in-law’s family (she was adopted as a newborn and established a relationship with her birth family when she was 30) and one is with my brother-in-law’s family (he is a birth father whose adult birth son established contact with him a couple of years ago).

Here are four recommendations:

1.  Examine your fears. When we go into adoption, we have rather nebulous fears that are difficult to articulate. Many of our fears are based on the media’s obsession with glorifying adoptions gone wrong, and of horror stories we’ve heard from people who have had bad experiences with adoption. Get out a piece of paper and list exactly what your fears are. Then examine the underlying causes of each fear.

For example, my reader asked: What will happen if my child wants to find her birth family when she gets older?

What fear does this statement imply?

I think she fears being out of control.

Allowing her child to “find” her birth family implies that she must trust her child’s judgment. Allowing her child to form an attachment with her birth family implies that the adoptive mom must feel secure in her own attachment to her child.

If the adoptive mom dreads being out of control and feels threatened by the presence of her child’s birth family, perhaps she should consider intercountry adoption, from a country in which there is little or no chance of coming into contact with her child’s birth family.

If she is determined to adopt domestically, the adoptive mom should talk with families involved in an open adoption, so her fears can be assuaged.

2.  Take things slowly, just as you would in any new relationship. If you look back on the friendships you’ve formed during your lifetime, most of them are shaped over time. Adoption puts the process of forming relationships into warp drive, because one day, you’re living your life, with no idea that these other people existed. The next day, you’re instantly bonded irrevocably by a child whom you all cherish. You’re simultaneously anxious to begin a relationship and anxious about beginning that relationship. Rather than faking or forcing a friendship, allow it to bloom naturally, over time.

3.  Set firm boundaries around your relationship. Truthfulness and trust are the hallmarks of any good relationship. If you all truly care about your child and have the child’s best interests at heart, you will openly discuss and agree upon the roles each of you will play, and you will abide by the communication agreement you set up.

4.  Expect the relationship to wax and wane. Most relationships do not maintain their intensity over time. There will be moments when you feel extremely close, and others when you feel distanced—perhaps even estranged. Establishing a relationship with one another requires commitment over the long haul. When you understand that flexibility is needed in your relationship, you will allow one another “space” to grow and change without giving each other guilt trips for doing so.

For more detailed information about open adoption and establishing healthy relationships among adoptive and birth families, get my book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

Related posts:

• Maintaining Your Open Adoption Communication Agreement
• Problems That Arise Between Birth/Adoptive Parents in Open Adoption
• The Adoption Power Shift
• Three Ways to Develop Healthy Relationships in Open Adoption
• Why Do Birth Parents Cut Off Contact in Open Adoption?
• Open Adoption: What Would Jesus Say?
• What, exactly, IS open adoption?
• Open Adoption: It Takes Work, but it’s Worth It
• Open Adoption: Managing Tricky Issues
• A Birth Parent’s Rights in Infant Adoption
• Most Birth Mothers Want Information About Their Child
• Ten Things NOT to Say to a Birth Mother in Open Adoption
• Are people involved in closed adoption well-adjusted?
• What does 'moving on' mean for birth mothers?
• Should adopted kids be encouraged to have a relationship with their birth parents?
• What if you reunite with your birth mother and she doesn't live up to your expectations?
• Should adoptive parents cut off contact with a drug-abusing birth mother?
• Closed Adoption From a Birth Mother’s Perspective

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me.

Join me for more adoption Q & A in the next post on Exploring Adoption. We’ll discuss: My child is struggling with post-adoption issues. What should I do?

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Additional posts in this series:
Part 1: How to choose an adoption agency
Part 2: Am I too old to adopt?
Part 3: Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?
Part 4: Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?
Part 5: When should I tell my child he/she was adopted?

Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

As a followup to the 5-part series on closed adoption that I posted this week at my Christian Adoption blog, I'm overviewing one of my favorite adoption books, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler.

Here's what I'll be posting during the next four days:

• April 8 - When should you tell your child the circumstances behind his or her adoption?
• April 9 - What is the ideal age at which to tell your child he was adopted?
• April 10 - How often do adopted children think about adoption?
• April 11 - 9 tips for interpreting adoption photolisting information

For more articles on adoption, please visit www.laurachristianson.com.

New Series on Closed Adoption

During the past week, I've received several e-mails from people who have questions and comments about closed and open adoption. Thought I'd tackle their questions in a 5-part series I'm posting at my Christian Adoption blog on adoption.com.

I'll provide hyperlinks to each post as they go live. Here's the schedule:

• April 3 - Are people involved in closed adoption well-adjusted?
• April 4 - What does 'moving on' mean for birth mothers?
• April 5 - Should adopted kids be encouraged to have a relationship with their birth parents?
• April 6 - What if you reunite with your birth mother and she doesn't live up to your expectations?
• April 7 - Should adoptive parents cut off contact with a drug-abusing birth mother?

One of my fellow bloggers at adoption.com posted her thoughts about closed adoption and explained why she, as an adoptive parent, chose closed adoption. Check out her post, called Why Closed Adoption.

For more articles on open and closed adoption, please visit www.laurachristianson.com

Closed Adoption From a Birth Mother's Perspective

Guest Column:
Closed Adoption -- from the perspective of a birth mom who lives it

By Suzi Thompson

For women making adoption plans, closed adoptions aren't heard of much these days. But for some birthmothers, like myself, this was the only choice we were given due to state laws, agency rules, or the era that we placed our child in. For some birthmothers, they choose a closed adoption because they think it is the best alternative for themselves and their child.

Closed adoptions are different from open adoptions in many ways. When you kiss your child goodbye, you never know if you will ever see him/her again. We also never know of the milestones our child has made or what he/she grows up looking like.

Having a closed adoption does not mean that you will never know anything about your birth child; it means that no information is passed between birth parents and adoptive parents until the child reaches legal age. Legal age differs from state to state and is usually anywhere from 18-21. When my birth son reaches 21 our records (both ways) will open and we will gain access to any information that has been provided in those if we so choose. This is true for medical records also.

I can't say that a closed adoption is any harder on a birthmother than an open would be because I've never been part of an open adoption. I do know that the hardest part for myself in a closed adoption is the unknown. Here are some things that might help if you are part of a closed adoption or even for those of you who don't understand closed adoptions.

• One of the hardest things to deal with is the unknown. There are so many of these regarding closed adoptions.
• If you catch yourself looking around at children the same age as the child you placed remember, it’s ok. Don't let anyone tell you that it’s not!!! Besides who’s it hurting? Most people won't even know what you’re doing. 
• Some of the other unknowns aren't as easy to deal with. I can't tell anyone what to do if they wonder if the child looks like you or if they know anything about you. Just trust in the Lord that your child does.
• Birthdays are hard to deal with, because unlike other adoptions, we in closed adoptions have nothing to look forward to as far as letters, pictures or visits. One thing that I've done to help myself through this time is to throw my birth son a party myself. So what if you decide to eat the entire cake yourself? If it makes you feel better, all the better.
• Just because we don't get to send pictures or letters of ourselves to our birth children throughout the years doesn't mean we can't get the things ready for when we do reunite one day. Purchase birthday cards over the years or write letters and put them in a box marked “When we meet again” for that time.
• Also make sure your file is up to date with the agency, attorney, or state. If you've moved, fill in the agency in case they ever need to contact you.

There are a few things that you can do in order to help your birth child when they gain access to their file. 

• Have a letter waiting for them to explain why they were placed and let them know that you love them.
• You can also put some pictures of yourself and your family in there so they know what to expect when you meet again.
• Have any important medical information they may be seeking ready for them.

Like anything concerned with adoptions, you learn to take one day at a time and trust in God that everything will turn out ok. It is possible to move on and put those worries more in the back of your mind and continue to go through the years ahead with your head up knowing the best is more than likely yet to come.

Reprinted with permission from the author. This column originally appeared in the March 2006 issue of BirthMom Buds Bulletin.

To read a 5-part series on open vs. closed adoption, please visit my adoption.com blog. For more articles on open and closed adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com.

Understanding the Dynamics of the Closed Adoption Era

Today I’m publishing a guest editorial from Jody Moreen, editor of Adoption Blessings Journal and compiler of the book, Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters (John Newton, hymn writer of “Amazing Grace). Jody has attended adoption triad support groups for 12 years and has facilitated groups in Indiana and Illinois for over 10 years. Jody, who was adopted and has reunited with her birth family, has a passion for helping people understand the dynamics of the closed adoption era.

Decades ago it was rare that birth parents were encouraged to keep their babies born in crisis pregnancies. There was a culture of shame (from family, from society and even from churches who should have practiced the grace of God). Hiding the “secret” was the rule and many birth mothers were sent away to cold maternity homes to have the baby alone. These women usually lost their identity because they left their lives to be hidden away. Many of the men involved in the pregnancy abandoned them, as did everyone else, who labeled them "bad" or “disgraceful” women. There was usually little to no counseling to help the woman make a decision; it was expected – and often forced upon the woman – that she would relinquish the baby for adoption.

I used to believe that birth parents coldly signed papers and without any feeling walked away – WRONG! Many birth mothers longed to keep their babies but there was no support or resources like they have today. In the past, pregnant girls would have had to quit school. Now they continue in school, get parenting classes, and often have baby showers and celebrations. This is so, so opposite of the cultural climate decades ago.

I have met hundreds of women who relinquished babies years ago and their grief today is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. They hurt for the loss and were traumatized for a lifetime over the treatment they received in their time of need and emotional upheaval. They remember their baby and long to meet him or her. Many continue to suffer in silence and shame.   

Let’s dispel the myth that birth mothers “rejected” their babies – they responded to the situation with the only card they had – they had no choice but to “just sign” the papers for adoption. Their families said “no” (to parenting); society turned its face and there were few charitable places such as today’s Crisis Pregnancy Centers, which aid women and give them food, baby clothes, classes, counseling and support to parent.

Those women who did leave babies on doorsteps or at hospitals also acted out of fear – probably the fear of being shunned by their families. They were alone, misunderstood and did not have loving advocates or helpers in their time of need. Their actions were not taken out of hate for their baby, but rather, as a reaction to the fear, shame and abandonment they felt.

Often, those who were adopted and never learned their true story “fill in the blanks.” I encourage any adoptee who is not educated about the realities of past adoption practices or who has not met birth parents from the closed adoption era to attend adoption triad support groups in your area or to join an online forum. You will grow a new understanding, respect and compassion for these brave, beautiful women. You will learn that you were not “rejected” but given life. Instead of abortion, you were given a family. And you were loved by the “invisible” mother who loved you from a distance.

Pros and Cons of Adoption

Introduction:
This series of blogs will explore the pros and cons of various types of adoption: confidential/closed, semi-open and fully-disclosed/open; international; special needs and foster-to-adopt. Please email me your own pros and cons and I’ll add them to the list.

Part 1: Pros and Cons of Confidential or Closed Adoption

What is closed adoption?
A confidential adoption is one in which there is no contact between the birth and adoptive families. Confidential or closed adoption was commonplace from the 1950s through the early 1980s, when the concept of open adoption began gaining popularity. In a confidential adoption, the agency or adoption attorney serves as the mediator, and the adoptive family receives only non-identifying information (medical history, description of physical features, etc.) about the birth parents.

The child's safety is foremost
Confidential adoptions are an appropriate choice (and often, the only viable choice) when the birth parents are incarcerated, are drug addicted, are emotionally disturbed or have been abusive to the child. In these situations, the child has often been removed from his or her birth parents for safety reasons. The safety of the child should always be a parent’s foremost concern. If protecting a child from potentially harmful contact with his or her birth parents is a critical factor, a closed adoption is a viable choice.

Birth parents are out of the picture -- for better or for worse
Adoptive parents who choose a confidential adoption do so partly out of fear of involvement from potentially pushy birth parents. On the other hand, because they know nothing about the birth parents, the adoptive parents may have a hard time feeling empathy toward them as fellow human beings who grieve over the fact that their child is no longer in their life.

Or the adoptive parents may live in fear, always on the lookout for anyone who resembles their child, fearful that a birth parent will swoop in and steal the child. These fears are largely unfounded, as proven by the ever-increasing popularity of open adoption (see article on the pros and cons of open adoption for a different perspective).

In the past, when closed adoption was a birth parent's only option, people asserted that confidential adoption gave birth parents the opportunity to put the painful experience behind them and move on with their lives. Numerous studies show that birth parents do not ever forget the child they placed for adoption. Not knowing whether their child is healthy, happy and well-adjusted causes lifelong grief for many birth parents. Because of their lack of information about their child, birth parents are likely to second-guess their decision, forever wondering how their child is doing, whether their child hates them, or whether their child is anxious to meet them.

Some birth parents still do choose closed adoption because they do not want their pregnancy to be public knowledge and the confidentiality of closed adoption makes them feel more comfortable.

The child may be affected negatively
Adopted children seem to be the ones most negatively affected by confidential adoption. Thousands of adult adoptees born in the 1950s through ‘70s search for their birth parents, saying they feel incomplete, as if part of their identity is missing. Many adopted women search for their birth parents when they get pregnant for the first time, desiring to complete the “missing link” of their biological heritage and to obtain more complete medical information about potential health issues their own children may inherit.

Coming December 6: Pros and Cons of Semi-Open Adoption

This series on the pros and cons of adoption is also available at www.laurachristianson.com.