Questions to Ask When Planning an Open Adoption

In yesterday’s post, I advised families who are preparing for (or already involved in) open adoption to set firm boundaries around what is/isn’t acceptable behavior among birth and adoptive family members.

Today I’m going to toss out a bunch of boundary-setting questions. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. They’re intended to get you thinking—and discussing—issues that will very likely arise in your open adoption.

While these questions are structured for adoptive parents, they are equally applicable for birth parents. If you’re a birth family member, just flip-flop the question. I highly recommend that birth and adoptive family members discuss these questions together—before the adoption takes place, if possible.

QUESTIONS FOR PARENTS TO ASK   

Before the Adoption
What’s my comfort level regarding openness?

1. Do I want to meet prospective birth parents before the baby’s birth? If yes, how often?
2. Do I want to attend doctor’s appointments?
3. Be present for the baby’s birth?
4. Be present in the hospital soon after the birth?
5. Stay out of the picture until I gain custody of the baby?

Continuing Contact
Do I want to continue contact with my child’s birth family after the adoption takes place?

1. What will that contact look like? (Letters, pictures, gift exchanges, visits?)
2. Do I want to continue meeting with my child’s birth family members after the adoption?  If so, with which family members do I want to continue contact?
   1. Birth parent(s)
   2. Siblings
   3. Grandparents
   4. Aunts and uncles
   5. Cousins
3. If I want to continue meeting with the birth family, how many times per year would I like to meet?
4. Will our child be present at those meetings, or will the contact be among parents only?
5. At what locations do I feel comfortable meeting (neutral location, such as a park? My home? Their home? At family gatherings? Holiday parties? Other social outing?)
6. What do I envision happening during those meetings?
7. What do I dread might happen during those meetings?
8. What do I look forward to most about those meetings?

Exchanging Gifts
What are my expectations regarding exchanging gifts with birth family members?

1. Will I accept gifts from them to my child?
2. If so, from whom will I accept gifts?  (Birth parents only? Birth grandparents? Siblings?)
3. Will gifts be sent only to my child, or do I expect to give/receive holiday gifts, as well?
4. If I have additional children, do I expect birth family members to send gifts to them, too?
5. Will I give gifts to members of my child’s birth family?  If yes, to whom? Birth parent(s) only? Birth grandparents? My child’s siblings?
6. What is the limit on the number of gifts exchanged? (for example, 2 gifts for our child’s birthday from his birth parent(s), 1 gift from each birth grandparent)
7. What is the spending limit on gift exchanges?
8. For which holidays will we exchange gifts?

Discussing Parenting Strategies

1. What do we prefer that our child call his/her birth parents?  By their first names? Nicknames? Birthmom? Mom? Hey you?
2. What will our child call his birth grandparents? Grandma & Grandpa? A special nickname? First/last name?
3. What role will the birth parent(s) play in our child’s upbringing? Do I view them as friendly supporters? As co-parents? As the enemy?
4. Do I feel comfortable accepting parenting advice from the birth parents?
5. Do I feel comfortable asking the birth parents for parenting advice?

Readers, please chime in with your own questions—and responses! What works and doesn’t work in your own open adoption?

Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption World, my free monthly eZine. To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Amazon Exploring Adoption bookstore.

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Comments

[Kathleen]

We adopted an older sibling group from our county. We always allowed phone contact with the birth grandmother along with physical contact, letters, cards and money. The problem was and is that the birth family ignored any boundaries we tried to have such as our private time with our family. It has been extremely hard due to the lack of respect. Weird stuff like the phone ringing, we see that the call is from the birth grandmother and when either my husband or I answer, she hangs up. The birth mother is constantly trying to contact our daughter via the Internet and has posted mean comments such as, "They may have papers on you but remember you have my blood running through your veins!" Oh and the running away to the birth family and then come the false allegations of child abuse from our daughter and the birth family. We did everything by the book in allowing birth family contact but in hind sight, we wish we never did.

One important point to mention: our children were taken from the birth parents due to neglect, abuse and abandonment. I suppose any experts reading my post may say well why would we allow any contact with abusing birth family? Because when the children’s’ social worker first contacted us about adopting our children, he said he was looking for a family that would be open to contact with the birth family. My husband and I said yes to this and kept that promise. However, it has been a hindrance in our oldest to attach to us. Adoptive daughter views us as people who are to buy her stuff and her birth family is her real family. Our youngest has not been adversely affected thank God and with that said, we are currently not allowing any birth family contact with our son…period. If we have to get a restraining order we will.