Open Adoption Q & A, Part 2
In the previous post, I answered some reader questions about open adoption. Here's another one:
Q: How can we maintain a relationship with our child’s birth family in a way that will be best for our child?
A: This is a tricky question, because every open adoption situation involves a unique set of relationships. And relationships can get messy, as we all know!
I have two recommendations:
#1: Take things slow, just as you would in any new relationship.
One bizarre aspect of open adoption is that two families who would be unlikely to meet under “normal” circumstances are suddenly thrust together into a long-term relationship to which they are strongly committed. There’s a temptation to learn everything there is to know about each other, instantly. Keep in mind that a healthy open adoption lasts throughout your child’s lifetime; you don’t have to share all your deep, dark secrets the first time you meet.#2: Set firm boundaries.
I’ve heard complaints from adoptive parents about birth moms who make frequent, unannounced visits and who criticize the adoptive parent’s parenting style.I’ve heard complaints from birth parents about adoptive parents who promise to let them visit or send gifts, and then renig on their promise or hide/discard the gifts the birth parents send.
If you’re truly going to have an open, honest relationship, you need to prepare for potential hot-button issues and then face them head-on. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s better to talk it out (with a mediator, if necessary) than to stew about it and allow it to ruin what could be a great friendship.
In my next post, I’ll suggest some boundary-setting exercises you can try.
Do you have an open adoption question for me? Ask away!
Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption World, my free monthly eZine. To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
Do you know of any children who had a really good relationship with their birth parents when they grew older?
Posted by: Caroline | Tuesday, May 13, 2008 at 02:08 AM