Contact with Birthmom Saddens 9-year-old

One of my readers has requested help with the following dilemma:

Her 9-year-old son, whom she adopted at birth, has an open adoption with his birth mom. He recently had a visit with her, and the contact seems to sadden him.

The adoptive parents really like their son's birth mom and are glad their son is able to know her, but they are concerned that they may be "mismanaging" the visits.

The adoptive mom writes:

Our son says says he misses his birth mom (after he visits with her) but he's only seen her five times in 10 years, and the first few visits he can't even remember, of course.

I think he is feeling grief at such a deep level that each visit re-opens his unsettled feelings about being adopted. He's at an age where it's difficult to be different and although he has quite a few friends who were also adopted, the majority of his peers were not and I think it's bothering him.

I'm so thankful that I have been able to openly and honestly discuss this with his birth mom and she is prepared to step back as much as necessary to help him. She does not want to interfere and she is comfortable with her decision, but she has her own grief to deal with, too.

The family has sought counseling from someone who specializes in adoption grief, but feel as if it might be more helpful to consult with someone who has experience working with older children in open adoptions.

Any suggestions, readers? We'd love to hear from birth parents, too. Please respond in the Comments area...thanks much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Comments

[Aimee]

This saddens me. I commend the Mom who is trying to do "the right thing" in keeping the relationship open with the birthmother but the ultimate responsibility this Mom has is her son and if seeing the birthmom is causing confusion or deep sadness then I believe Mom needs to rethink the visits. I do want to say how awesome this birthmother is to actually say that she understands and would step back if possible. That is an amazing woman! I have eight children, six we adopted, one who has a semi open adoption and as important as I feel about keeping communication open and keeping this relationship with the birthmother, I am not in agreement with my son visiting her on a regular basis. It would seem to close to "foster care" and I did not go the path of foster care, I chose the path of adoption. I know this is a very sensitive subject and writing does not really show the correct emotion of the writer but set everything aside, what is best for this 9 year old. I am sure this Mom knows what is best. We have allowed the "world" to dictate what is best for a child who is adopted but this Mom needs to pray with her husband and make their decision based on what they believe is the right thing to do not what the "world" says to do. My prayers are with all of them.

[Ninette]

I deal with this every time my children visit their birth family. My children were adopted thru the foster system. Like most people I agree that contact with birthmom/family is important.

My first reaction to this was to ask you to follow your "gut" feelings. There have been many times in the past when I knew my kids were hurting, but also new it was the best thing for them. Which is ultimately what we all want. Many times in the past I have gotten caught up in my head about what is best for my kids, but if I follow my gut it seems always the right answer. Even if it makes them sad.

My only other thought was this makes for a good opportunity to help your son "deal" with heavy emotions. Talked about the sadness, how he must feel and that it is ok to feel this way. Part of preparing my kids for the world is to help them deal with heavy feelings to face them and understand them. Embracing emotions makes them much less scary or overwhelming.

We all know that life isn't fair and as our kids get older it hurts when they have to deal with that. But, it's still there and it is my job to help them deal with the "not fair".

[Karen]

Wow, how sad for this family. I am a mother of four children. My oldest son is my biological child and my youngest three children are adopted. They are bio siblings, each removed as infants from bmom and placed in our home. We have a "semi-open" adoption with bparents at this time. I send letters and pictures every few months. Bmom did have my cell number, but due to some boundaries issues, I had to have it unlisted. B-grandma has my phone number and we have a good relationship with her. As for the boy that grieves after he sees his bmom,my question is "how would cutting off contact with bmom allievate his grief?" It may send the message that the adoptive parents can't handle his grief and force him to repress it. In my opinion, regardless of how many times a child visits a b-parent, there is still a connection there that will not dissolve. Think about why there are so many organizations that help b-parents and b-children, find each other after the children are adults. I hope that this boy's family considers family counseling with b-mom involved as well. It might help the child resolve his pain. Not advocating "co-parenting", just being responsive to your child's emotional pain.

[Laura Christianson]

Thanks for your heartfelt and sensitive responses, readers. I'm sure the mom who is struggling with these issues will appreciate your insights.

I appreciate the fact that you are all sharing from your personal experiences -- not telling the mom what she "has" to do, but acknowledging the fact that every adoption situation is unique and complex, and giving her some possible scenarios to consider.

Laura

[Cindy Simonson]

During the past fifteen years fully open adoptions have become more common. By fully open I mean an adoption where the birth mother has ongoing visits with the child. Proponents of fully open adoptions have pushed the idea of ongoing visits on those hoping to adopt and on birth parents. Their reasoning has been that adopted children will benefit from ongoing contact with their birth parents.

The thought of a fully open adoption can scare some people away from adopting. Birth mothers also have fears about ongoing contact. Has it ever been proven that ongoing contact with birth parents is in a child’s best interest?

Here are my thoughts. I will dare to speak out here at the risk of being judged by some adoption professionals. I believe that adopted children benefit from having information; photos, health history and possibly letters from their birth parents. I also believe that if an older child asks to meet his/her birth parents that every effort should be made to arrange a meeting.

I do not think fully open adoption should be forced on a child who may have no desire for this type of ongoing contact? Many fully open adoptions are arranged and the terms agreed upon long before the child is born. These agreements do not take into consideration what the child really wants or needs. Ongoing visits may be very upsetting and confusing to an adopted child. What seven year old wants to have to explain to his/her friends why they have two moms at their birthday party? And how confusing is it to have to say goodbye over and over to a biological parent?

I know that my daughter would not like to have this type of contact. I talk openly with her about her adoption and I keep a file of her birth parents photos and health history for her. She has gone to the folder on a few occasions and I have pulled the folder out to show her certain things, but for the most part she prefers not to go there. This is not to say she never will, but so far she has had no desire. I have asked her if she would like to meet her birth mother and she is not ready.

When she begins to seek more information or ask for visits I will do everything in my power to meet her needs. Forcing openness on her will never be an option. Not because I fear it but because I think it will upset her.

I am a proponent of semi open adoptions, by that I mean getting to know the birth mother prior to the birth, exchanging photos, letters and updates so that when the child is old enough a meeting can be arranged. I do not believe that open adoption should ever be forced on a child by an arrangement that was made to accommodate the birth mother or the adopting family.

Cindy Simonson
The Infant Adoption Coach
www.infantadoptioncoach.com

[Anne]

I would completely disagree with Cindy... no one kind of contact is good for all adoptions in all situations, and things often change over time.

Just from the perspective of this adoptee, the issue isn't with *adoption* but with *relinquishment.* No matter how wonderful both sets of parents' intentions are, it is really, really difficult to be on the receiving end.

My suggestion is that the nine year old needs empathy, nothing more, nothing less. Not you, not she, not anyone can change the situation. In an ideal world, every mother who bears a child can provide for it, and every woman who wants a child can bear one. We don't live in a perfect world.

Pre- and perinatal psychology tells us much about the needs of neonates and prebirth attachment to their mothers. Our needs aren't different because our first mothers don't plan to 'mother' us.