Exploring Adoption

U.S. Ratifies The Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption

On November 16, President Bush signed the United States’ Instrument of Ratification for the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption. This is the final procedural step for the United States to become a full member of the Hague Convention. The Hague Convention is expected to go into effect in the United States on April 1, 2008.

The Convention establishes international norms and procedures for intercountry adoption cases with other Hague Convention members. It mandates safeguards to protect the interests of children, birth parents, and adoptive parents. It also provides that member nations recognize adoptions that take place within other Hague Convention countries.

The major changes to intercountry adoptions under the Hague Convention are:

• The Department of State, designated as the “Central Authority” under the Hague Convention and the IAA, is responsible for ensuring that the Hague Convention and IAA requirements are followed.
• Accrediting entities designated by the Department of State must accredit any U.S. adoption service providers that will handle Convention adoption cases.
• The Department of State will maintain a centralized registry to track adoption cases and to receive complaints and comments about accredited adoption service providers.
• Outgoing intercountry adoption cases from the United States to other Hague Convention countries, such as Canada or Mexico, must also comply with the Convention and the IAA.

Source:
U.S. Department of State

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

My Child is Struggling with Post-Adoption Issues. What Should I Do?

A reader asks:
I have a 16-year-old who is struggling with post-adoption issues relating to self-esteem. I’m looking for counselors in my area with this kind of experience.

Seeking a counselor for your child is a wise decision. Most, if not all teenagers struggle with self-esteem issues, and adoption tends to compound those issues. Therapists who specialize in adoption issues can be found in many communities.

Before seeking a therapist, learn what types of mental health care your health insurance provider includes in your benefits plan. Ask your insurance company for a list of providers in your area who specialize in adoption.

You can also get recommendations from local adoption agencies, adoptive family support groups, your state’s adoption office, and mental health associations.

Types of therapists to consider contacting:

• Child and family therapist
• Clinical Neuropsychologist
• Licensed clinical psychologist
• Licensed clinical social worker
• Licensed professional counselor
• Pastoral counselor
• Pediatrician experienced in working with adopted children (for referrals)
• Psychiatrist

When seeking a counselor/therapist, look for the following specialties:

• Adoption
• Anxiety
• Attachment
• Behavior issues
• Depression
• Grief and loss
• Identity development
• Multicultural families
• Non-traditional families
• Pre- and post-reunion
• Post-adoption adjustment
• Transitions
• Trauma/Abuse recovery

Types of therapy:

• Art therapy
• Behavior modification
• Cognitive therapy
• Family therapy
• Group therapy
• Individual psychotherapy
• In-home counseling
• Parent coaching
• Play therapy

A few questions to ask when choosing a therapist:

• How long have you been in practice?
• What type of specialized training or certification do you have?
• What continuing training do you participate in?
• What experience do you have working with adoptive families?
• What is your interest in adoption?
• Do you belong to any adoption-related organizations?
• What is your philosophy about adoption (tailor questions to your situation)

National Resource Organizations for locating therapists:

The American Academy of Pediatrics
847.434.4000

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy
703.838.9808

The American Association of Pastoral Counselors
703.385.6967

The American Psychiatric Association
703.907.7300

The American Psychological Association (APA)
800.374.2721

The Association for Play Therapy
559.252.2278

The Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (ATTACh)
866.453.8224

The National Association of Social Workers
202.408.8600

For contact information on State adoption offices and local adoptive parent support groups, access Child Welfare Information Gateway's National Foster Care & Adoption Directory.

Source:
Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2005). Selecting and Working With an Adoption Therapist: A Factsheet for Families. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Additional posts in this series:
Part 1: How to choose an adoption agency
Part 2: Am I too old to adopt?
Part 3: Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?
Part 4: Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?
Part 5: When should I tell my child he/she was adopted?
Part 6: What should I do when my child wants to find his/her birth family?

For more information creating a support system for your child, get my books, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting, and The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System.

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me. 

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

What Should I Do When My Child Wants to Find Her Birth Family?

Pictured: Our son and his birth father attend a Veteran's Day concert together at our son's school.

From one of my readers: 

“I want to adopt but I am afraid of what will happen if my child wants to find her birth family when she gets older. I don’t know how I will feel. I know I’m selfish, but I’m also scared."

Over 80 percent of domestic infant adoptions involve some form of ongoing communication among adoptive and birth families. So, whether you are a pregnant women who’s considering placing your baby for adoption or a person who’s considering adopting a baby, chances are that you will either meet (before and/or after the baby’s birth), exchange letters and photos on a pre-arranged schedule, e-mail and/or call one another, or have regular visits with one another as your child grows.

It’s normal for both adoptive and birth parents to have fears about what will happen after the baby is adopted. After all, you’re taking a great leap of faith into the unknown, forging what could be a relationship that encompasses your child’s entire lifetime.

Birth parents may wonder:

• Did I choose the right people to parent my child?
• Will my child be happy and healthy with these people?
• What if everything they’re telling me about themselves is a sham and they’re child abusers in disguise?
• Will my child forget about me? …Resent me because I placed him for adoption?
• If I remain a part of my child’s life, how healthy will that relationship be for me? …For my child? For his adoptive parents? What will my role be?

Adoptive parents may wonder:

• Can I trust that the birth parent(s) won’t try to take their child back?
• If birth parents are in the picture, will they try to co-parent? … Will my child decide he likes them better than he likes me? Will my child be confused about who his real parents are?
• Will I be able to prove to the birth parents that I lived up to their expectations?

There are no easy answers to these questions, and since adoption is such a relational medium, every situation is unique. So I’ll share a few insights based on my 15+ years of direct experience with four completely open adoptions. Two of them are with my [adopted] sons’ birth families, one is with my sister-in-law’s family (she was adopted as a newborn and established a relationship with her birth family when she was 30) and one is with my brother-in-law’s family (he is a birth father whose adult birth son established contact with him a couple of years ago).

Here are four recommendations:

1.  Examine your fears. When we go into adoption, we have rather nebulous fears that are difficult to articulate. Many of our fears are based on the media’s obsession with glorifying adoptions gone wrong, and of horror stories we’ve heard from people who have had bad experiences with adoption. Get out a piece of paper and list exactly what your fears are. Then examine the underlying causes of each fear.

For example, my reader asked: What will happen if my child wants to find her birth family when she gets older?

What fear does this statement imply?

I think she fears being out of control.

Allowing her child to “find” her birth family implies that she must trust her child’s judgment. Allowing her child to form an attachment with her birth family implies that the adoptive mom must feel secure in her own attachment to her child.

If the adoptive mom dreads being out of control and feels threatened by the presence of her child’s birth family, perhaps she should consider intercountry adoption, from a country in which there is little or no chance of coming into contact with her child’s birth family.

If she is determined to adopt domestically, the adoptive mom should talk with families involved in an open adoption, so her fears can be assuaged.

2.  Take things slowly, just as you would in any new relationship. If you look back on the friendships you’ve formed during your lifetime, most of them are shaped over time. Adoption puts the process of forming relationships into warp drive, because one day, you’re living your life, with no idea that these other people existed. The next day, you’re instantly bonded irrevocably by a child whom you all cherish. You’re simultaneously anxious to begin a relationship and anxious about beginning that relationship. Rather than faking or forcing a friendship, allow it to bloom naturally, over time.

3.  Set firm boundaries around your relationship. Truthfulness and trust are the hallmarks of any good relationship. If you all truly care about your child and have the child’s best interests at heart, you will openly discuss and agree upon the roles each of you will play, and you will abide by the communication agreement you set up.

4.  Expect the relationship to wax and wane. Most relationships do not maintain their intensity over time. There will be moments when you feel extremely close, and others when you feel distanced—perhaps even estranged. Establishing a relationship with one another requires commitment over the long haul. When you understand that flexibility is needed in your relationship, you will allow one another “space” to grow and change without giving each other guilt trips for doing so.

For more detailed information about open adoption and establishing healthy relationships among adoptive and birth families, get my book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

Related posts:

• Maintaining Your Open Adoption Communication Agreement
• Problems That Arise Between Birth/Adoptive Parents in Open Adoption
• The Adoption Power Shift
• Three Ways to Develop Healthy Relationships in Open Adoption
• Why Do Birth Parents Cut Off Contact in Open Adoption?
• Open Adoption: What Would Jesus Say?
• What, exactly, IS open adoption?
• Open Adoption: It Takes Work, but it’s Worth It
• Open Adoption: Managing Tricky Issues
• A Birth Parent’s Rights in Infant Adoption
• Most Birth Mothers Want Information About Their Child
• Ten Things NOT to Say to a Birth Mother in Open Adoption
• Are people involved in closed adoption well-adjusted?
• What does 'moving on' mean for birth mothers?
• Should adopted kids be encouraged to have a relationship with their birth parents?
• What if you reunite with your birth mother and she doesn't live up to your expectations?
• Should adoptive parents cut off contact with a drug-abusing birth mother?
• Closed Adoption From a Birth Mother’s Perspective

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me.

Join me for more adoption Q & A in the next post on Exploring Adoption. We’ll discuss: My child is struggling with post-adoption issues. What should I do?

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Additional posts in this series:
Part 1: How to choose an adoption agency
Part 2: Am I too old to adopt?
Part 3: Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?
Part 4: Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?
Part 5: When should I tell my child he/she was adopted?

When Should I Tell My Child He Was Adopted?

Readers ask me this question on a weekly basis. Here are two of the most recent permutations:

My husband and I adopted our first two sons from birth. We brought each of them home from the hospital and we had always planned on it being a “known” thing that they were adopted. Our oldest son, who is bi-racial, is now 6; and the other is 5. Neither of them have ever asked ANY questions and we just haven’t felt right about sitting them down and having the “talk” with them. 

We have never lied to them about anything, but nothing has ever come up. We want to talk to them, but just don’t know the right way to do it. We love them with every fiber of our being! I have since birthed two children and I can assure you there is absolutely no difference in the love! We have prayed so hard for God to prepare their hearts when we do tell them so they won’t see it as a negative thing.  Any advice?

And another one:

I’m the mom of a 2 ½-year-old adopted daughter. When is the best time to tell her the truth?

There’s no time like the present when the issue is talking with your child about adoption. Children up to about age 7 have very little concept of what it means to be adopted, so of course they’re not going to ask questions about it. But that doesn’t mean you should wait until they’re 10 or 15 or 18 or 30 to tell them they were adopted.

Adoption is not a dirty little secret that needs to be covered up. It’s not weird or strange. In simplest terms, “adoption” describes a legal means by which a child enters a family.

And while “adoption” will always be a part of your child’s identity, it does not encompass the entirety of who your child is. By fearing to tell your child he/she was adopted, you are falling prey to the very stereotype you hoped to avoid: you are announcing to your child that adoption is weird and strange. Your child will certainly pick up on those vibes, and will assume, by association, that he or she must be weird or strange.

Parents: You are an adult. It is your responsibility to discuss adoption with your child, openly and honestly, in age appropriate ways, from the minute your child enters your family. Just as you should talk with your child about sex in age appropriate ways as he grows (rather than having “the talk” when he’s 16 and hoping you’re not too late), talking about adoption should be done on a regular basis.

If you’re kicking yourself because you realize you’ve waited too long to begin discussing adoption with your child, don’t give up hope. Don’t assume that if you tell your child now, he’s going to hate you for the rest of his life (chances are, he may resent you for a while, but in the long run, he’ll appreciate you telling him).

And don’t avoid telling your child because she came from a situation in which she was abused…or her birth parents are in prison…or she was conceived during a rape…or any of the other excuses parents use to avoid sharing the awful truth. When your child is 3 or 6, she doesn’t need to know the gory details of her past. But you can explain to her that you adopted her, and reiterate how happy you are that she’s a part of your family and that you have the privilege of parenting her. As your child matures, you should reveal additional pieces of her history until she has the whole picture.

Kids are perceptive. If you’re trying to hide something, they’ll know it. And they’ll dig until they discover what you’re hiding. Wouldn’t you rather they learned the truth from you, as opposed to a cousin, a friend on the playground, or a complete stranger?

Kids are resilient. They can handle the truth and bounce back much easier than adults can. Begin bringing up adoption as a part of your everyday conversation, and gently begin to discuss your child’s adoption with him or her. You’ll all be glad you did.

Related posts:

Telling Your Child About His/Her Adoption

When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted (lots of discussion on this post)

Telling The Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

What’s The Ideal Age to Tell Your Child He/She Was Adopted?

How Often do Adopted Children Think About Adoption?

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me.  Join me for more adoption Q & A in the next post. We’ll discuss: What Should I Do When My Child Wants to Find Her Birth Family?

See previous Adoption Q & A posts:

Part 1: How do I choose an adoption agency?
Part 2: Am I too old to adopt?
Part 3: Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?
Part 4: Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?

I go into greater detail on many other questions in my book: The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Why Is It So Difficult for Singles to Adopt?

Single women represent the fastest growing segment of adoptive parents; of the 50,000 children placed in U.S. homes through public (foster care) adoptions in 2001, 32 percent were adopted by single women.

Roughly 30 percent of all families (adoptive and otherwise) are headed by a single parent, with one of every four children being raised by a single parent.

Singles adopt for the same reasons couples do: they love children and want to be parents. But singles who hope to adopt—particularly those who want to adopt infants—are finding it increasingly challenging to do so.

U.S. Infant Adoption
In domestic infant adoptions (where the birth parents generally choose the people who will raise their child), birth parents most often choose couples, saying they prefer their child to grow up in a two-parent family.

Domestic Independent Adoption
Many singles adopt infants privately (independently), which gives them the flexibility to make connections with pregnant women who are considering adoption. (Note: independent adoptions are illegal in some U.S. states; check with a licensed adoption social worker in your state to see what the law says before pursuing this option).

Intercountry Adoption
Countries such as China, from which huge numbers of singles previously adopted, now prohibit singles from adopting. Many other countries, however, welcome single parents, whether they are divorced, widowed, or never married. Singles who adopt internationally say the process tends to move a little more quickly if they express an interest in adopting an older child.

U.S. Public (Foster Care) Adoption
Many singles adopt children of all ages from the U.S. public adoption system (foster care). There’s a huge need for people to adopt the 115,000 children living in foster care, who are legally free for adoption. Many of these children are classified as “special needs” due to their age, to their status as a member of a sibling group, or due to challenges stemming from abuse and/or neglect. These children long for a loving, stable parent. Could you be that parent?

Related post:

Single Parent Adoption on the Rise

Previous Adoption Q & A:

• Part 1: How do I choose an adoption agency?
• Part 2: Am I too old to adopt?
• Part 3: Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me. 

Join me for more adoption Q & A in the next post. We’ll discuss: When should I tell my child he/she was adopted? 

I go into greater detail on many other questions in my book: The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Let's Talk Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!

Our family is heading to my sister-in-law's new home today to share a turkey dinner with our extended family. Thought I'd take a break from the usual adoption talk to "talk turkey."

Did you know...

272 million turkeys were raised in the U.S. in 2007. Many of them will be appearing on the tables of the 114.4 million American households today (the rest will make their debut on Christmas).

Minnesota is the top turkey-producing state (46 million), followed by North Carolina (39 million), Arkansas (31 million), Virginia (21.5 million), Missouri (21 million) and California (16.8 million). These six states account for about 2/3 of the U.S. turkeys produced in 2007.

A whole frozen turkey averaged 99 cents per pound in 2006.

The U.S. imported 9.5 million live turkeys during the first half of 2007 from our neighbor to the north, Canada.

The average American consumed 13.1 pounds of turkey in 2005 (most of that, during Thanksgiving weekend). 

690 million pounds of cranberries were produced in the U.S. in 2007.

1.6 billion pounds of sweet potatoes were produced in 2006, with North Carolina taking top honors in sweet potato production, at 702 million pounds.

You've gotta have the obligatory green bean casserole, right? In 2007, 841,280 tons of green beans were produced (Wisconsin leading with 310,200 tons).

1 billion pounds of pumpkins were produced in 2006, with Illinois leading with 492 million pounds.

294 million pounds of cherries were produced this year, with Michigan producing 232 million of them!

How are you celebrating Thanksgiving today, dear readers? And for what are you giving thanks? Please post a comment so we can celebrate with you.

Source of these fascinating statistics:

Census Bureau News Facts for Features, CB07-FF.17

For news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Can I Adopt If I'm on a Limited Income?

In Part 1 of Adoption Q & A, we discussed how to choose an adoption agency.
In Part 2, we discussed: Am I too old to adopt?

My spouse and I are on a limited income and in a small living space. Will we be able to adopt?

Your application to adopt won't be turned down solely on the basis of your financial situation or the size of your home. Although those are considerations, adoption social workers are most concerned with your heart -- are you emotionally healthy and can you provide a loving home for a child?

The median income of adoptive families is $56,000 per year, so most adoptive parents have to do some serious financial wrangling in order to afford adoption. If you truly have a heart to adopt a child, you will find a way to make it affordable. Yes, it will require a great deal of sacrifice on your part. But sacrificing in order to give unconditional love to a child is what parenting is all about.

In the next post we'll discuss: Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me. 

My book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting, offers lots of great ideas for how to make adoption more affordable and how to save sacrificially.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Am I Too Old to Adopt?

In Part 1 of Adoption Q & A, we discussed how to choose an adoption agency.

My spouse and I are 47 and 45. We married later in life, struggled with infertility, and now we're anxious to adopt. Are we too old?

That depends on the type of adoption you intend to pursue. If you adopt internationally, each country has different age requirements for adoptive parents. So you will need to find a country program that does not have any age restrictions (some prefer older parents).

Parents hoping to adopt an infant may experience greater challenges, as the birth parents generally choose the people who will parent their child, and they tend to choose younger parents. But not always. I know a couple who adopted their first child when they were in their 50s. They now have three children. They did private, independent adoptions.

There are very few age restrictions on parents adopting from foster care. In fact, many state agencies say they prefer older parents, who are more mature, stable, and have the time and energy to deal with the special needs many foster children bring with them into an adoptive home.

Join me for more adoption Q & A in the next post, when we'll discuss: Can I adopt if I'm on a limited income? I go into greater detail on many other questions in my book: The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

How to Choose an Adoption Agency

I was the guest on Chicago's "This is the Day" show (WMBI) with Nancy Turner this morning. During the show, several listeners called in with questions about adoption. Due to time constraints, I didn't have a chance to address several of the questions as thoroughly as I would have liked. So I thought I'd tackle them here.

How do I find an ethical adoption agency/facilitator?

Last week, I met with a woman whose cousin recommended a particular Christian adoption agency that he had worked with. The woman began working with that agency, solely on her cousin's recommendation. Turns out that the agency was involved in unethical adoption practices, and had several lawsuits for wrongful adoption pending. After much heartache, a lawsuit, and severe financial loss, the couple switched agencies.

While we would hope that any adoption service provider would function ethically, the sad fact is that some of them--even a few so-called "Christian" agencies--do not.

When you hire an agency to help facilitate an adoption, you are putting the future of your family into the hands of strangers for months, perhaps years. It's imperative that you work with an agency with whom you feel completely comfortable and confident.

1. Find out how long the agency has been in business. Do they have a reliable track record?
2. Check with the Better Business Bureau and the Attorney General office in the state in which the agency is licensed (if the agency has branch offices in several states, check in both your state's branch as well as the corporate office's state). Does the agency have any complaints or lawsuits pending?
3. Ask the agency for references, with the assumption that they will refer you to happy clients. Contact those clients, and then ask the clients for the names of additional people they know who have worked with the agency. Call those people, as well.
4. Join an online discussion group for the type of adoption you plan to pursue (such as adopting from China, adopting from foster care, infant adoption). Ask other members of the group which agencies they do and don't recommend. You will get a cross section of responses, but those responses will help you to get a better feeling for how the agency functions and treats its clients.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of adopting through a state agency and a private agency?

If you hope to adopt a child from foster care, chances are, you can work with either a public agency in your state or a private agency. Many licensed private agencies contract with public agencies to place foster children.

While there are many wonderful social workers at public agencies, they are most often overworked and underpaid. They'll give you as much attention as they can, but you will likely not receive the same degree of private attention to your "case" as you would when working with a private agency.

In addition to placing children from foster care in adoptive families, many private agencies also have domestic infant programs and international programs; they offer a full range of services for adoptive parents.

Related Articles:

• Am I too old to adopt?
• Can I adopt if I'm on a limited income?
• Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?
• When should I tell my child he/she was adopted?
• How to Avoid Unethical Adoption Agencies
• International Adoption: How to Choose a Reputable Agency
• How to Avoid Adoption Scams
• Tips for Avoiding Adoption Fraud

I go into greater detail on these and many other questions in my book: The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Sign up for Adoption World, my free monthly eZine! Just send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com

Young Entrepreneurs Raise Funds to Bring Home Adopted Cousin from China

Here's a sweet little story to encourage you this Thanksgiving:

Two little boys, ages 6 and 2 (from Charlotte, NC), are raising funds to help bring home their 10-year-old cousin, who is being adopted from China. The boys set a goal to raise $3,000 by Christmas, and will be surprising their aunt and uncle with the monetary gift at that time. They have raised $1,975.50  in two months selling candy, brownies, and other items. Quite the enterprising little fellows!

Their story will be featured in the Charlotte Observer this Saturday, Nov 24.

Check out pictures of their fundraisers, their blog, and their Website.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.