Exploring Adoption

Post-Adoption Depression: What Causes It; How to Get Help

You've longed for a child for years. You've filled out reams of paperwork, completed multiple interviews, been fingerprinted, examined by a doctor, and visited by a social worker. You feel ready to parent.

You blissfully bring home the child you've been dreaming of. And then the bliss suddenly, inexplicably dissipates. You're left feeling overwhelmingly sad, resentful--even angry. Wondering what could possibly be wrong with you, you decide to tough it out. You wouldn't dream of admitting your feelings to anyone. After all, your extended family and friends think you're on cloud line because you finally have the child you've always wanted. And you thought you would be the perfect parent; how could you possibly confess your disappointment to others? 

Why do you feel so inadequate?  Why do you feel as if you're babysitting someone else's child?

These feelings are more common among new adoptive parents than you might imagine. In fact, a recent survey of 145 adopting mothers (by the Eastern European Adoption Coalition) found over 65 percent of adopting mothers were affected by Post-Adoption Depression (PAD).

Post-partum depression has been discussed for years, but Post-Adoption Depression is a relatively new phenomenon. Its onset may be directly related to the adoption process itself--parents-to-be spend so much time preparing to bring home their child and have such high expectations of falling in love with their child at first sight that they are emotionally unprepared for the realities of parenting an adopted child.

It's tricky to diagnose PAD because its symptoms mimic those of other types of depression, and many of the symptoms (including general fatigue and irritability) are experienced by almost all new parents. But generally speaking, you should seek medical help if you're experiencing the following:

• Loss of interest in being around other people
• Loss of enjoyment in life
• Excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Feelings of worthlessness or powerlessness
• On the verge of tears most of the day, every day
• Exceptionally irritable
• General fatigue or loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping or an increased need for sleep
• Increase or decrease in appetite
• Significant weight gain or loss
• Inability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness nearly every day
• Recurring thoughts about death or suicide

 When you visit your medical practitioner, you may need to acquaint your doctor with the dynamics of adoption, and also, with Post-Adoption Depression.

In her article, "Post-Adoption Depression: What to do if This Happens to You," Harriet McCarthy suggests some tips for surviving PAD:

Expect surprises, frustrations, and setbacks with your new child. Expect to be a therapeutic parent, and take as many parenting classes as you can before adopting.

Realize that bonding/attachment will take time (often, a year or longer). The roller coaster ride you go on during the adoption process doesn't end once you bring your child home. Plan for the ups and downs to continue, especially if you adopt a medically- or behaviorally-challenged child.

Seek help. Tell you adoption social worker and/or join an adoptive parent support group. Consult with your physician, as well.

Care for yourself (and your partner and other children, if you have them). Take some private time--away from your adopted child--to rejuvenate.

Eliminate all but the absolutely necessary social commitments and work pressures for as long as you can.

While 77 percent of the women from the survey reported that they suffered symptoms from two months to over a year, PAD doesn't last forever for most people. The key is seeking help.

Think of it this way: You sought help throughout the adoption process. Just because your child is now home doesn't mean you have to go it alone. If you suspect you might have PAD, ask for help. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be able to be the kind of parent you'd always hoped.

Read these excellent articles about PAD:

"Post-Adoption Depression: What to do if This Happens to You"  by Harriet McCarthy, RainbowKids.com

"Do I Love Him Yet?" by Melissa Faye Greene, Adoptive Families

"Baby Shock: Dealing With Post-Adoption Depression" by Jean MacLeod, Adoptive Families

Related post:

What is Post-Adoption Depression?

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Honoring Your Pastor During Clergy Appreciation Month

October is Clergy Appreciation Month. There are few more important things you can do than telling your clergyperson how much you appreciate him or her (my dad and my father-in-law are pastors, and so I know firsthand that pastors don't get many "strokes").

If you're looking for some creative ways to thank your clergyperson for all he/she does on your behalf, check out "8 Ways to Encourage Your Pastor"  from Today's Christian magazine.

I'd like to suggest two additional things you can do:

1. Write your clergyperson a letter of appreciation every year on your birthday (that way, you won't forget to do it). In your letter, share something specific that you will be praying on your pastor's behalf throughout the year.
2. Send your pastor a copy of The Adoption Network. Most clergy are familiar with scripture that explains how Christians are spiritually adopted into God's family. But how can pastors and churches convey that message in practical terms? By starting a ministry for adoptive and foster families, birth parents, orphans, and/or adopted people.

My book, The Adoption Network, explains everything a clergyperson or layperson needs to know to plan, build, and launch an adoption or orphan care ministry. I'm offering a 2-for-1 special -- for only $12.95 (including shipping in the US), you can buy two autographed copies of this book (one for you, and one to give to your clergyperson). If you'd like me to inscribe something special for your pastor, just let me know when you submit your PayPal order.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Five Tips for Exchanging Gifts Among Birth and Adoptive Families

In the previous post, we heard from Marie, the birth grandma of a baby who was relinquished for adoption five months ago. Marie is planning to send a Christmas gift to her grandson, and would like to send him something special that he can pass down to his own children someday. If her grandson’s parents feel comfortable providing her with the baby’s initials, she plans to have something engraved for him.

Our discussion for today is:

• Should birth and adoptive families exchange gifts?
• If so, when?
• For how long?
• What sorts of gifts are most appropriate?

Over the past 15 years, we have exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts with our sons’ birth families. Similar to Marie’s situation, our adoption agency served as the middleman for all correspondence exchanged during the first couple of years after our first child’s adoption. After that, we mutually decided to open our adoption and began communicating (and exchanging gifts) directly.

Here are five recommendations, based on our family’s experiences:

1.  Ask permission to exchange gifts.

If you’re an adoptive parent, keep in mind that your child’s birth parent(s) are probably not nearly as wealthy as you are. While it’s important for your child’s birth parent(s) to know you care, sending an extravagant gift can make a birth parent feel awkward.

Some birth parents may feel as if you’re sending them a “payoff” to thank them for letting you adopt their child. Others may feel obligated to reciprocate by sending an expensive gift of their own—a gift they can’t afford to purchase.

Birth family members, too, can go overboard and can even develop unhealthy gift-giving “competitions.” The grandma on the birth father’s side, for instance, might hear that the grandma on the birth mother’s side sent five expensive presents, so she sends ten expensive presents. The adoptive family, overwhelmed with loads of gifts, may respond by requesting that no gifts be sent. Then everyone feels hurt, confused, and unhappy.

It’s best to be completely honest with one another regarding the times of year you’ll exchange gifts (your child’s birthday is the most important time), the amount of gifts you’ll send (one gift is appropriate), and even, the cost of the gift (agree to spend $50 or less…or $20 or less).

2.  Include gift receipts.

This may sound totally tacky, but it works for our family (when I say “family,” I mean adoptive and birth families). Because adoptive and birth families may not visit one another in person, it’s hard to judge how quickly a child is growing…to know what size he’s wearing this week or whether he’s fixated on Beanie Babies, books, or baseball cards.

We sometimes receive well-intended, but inappropriate gifts: clothes that are the wrong size (or the wrong color or style, according to our fashion-conscious sons), movie DVDs that are inappropriate for their ages, or toys they grew out of playing with years ago. It’s awkward to tell a child’s birth grandparent or birth parent, “Er—you know that PG-13 video you sent?  Well, he’s only 10 and we don’t allow him to watch PG-13 movies.”

Agreeing to include gift receipts eliminates awkwardness and allows the recipient to exchange the gift for something more appropriate.

We’ve taught our children that when they receive gifts that they already own (another common occurrence) or that will need to be exchanged, to simply smile and say, “Thank you for the gift. I really appreciate it.”

3.  Write thank-you notes.

I confess; we often forget to follow through with writing thank-you notes. Our sons hate to write (they assume that having a mother who’s a professional writer covers any writing they’ll have to do for the rest of their lives). I practically have to chain them to the chair and threaten them with bodily harm to get them to write thank-you notes.

And yes, I’m referring to the hand-written notes you send through postal mail! It doesn’t matter whether the note simply says, “Dear Grandma, Thank you for the gift. Love Jessica.” Your child’s birth family will love seeing her cute handwriting and/or drawings. Include a photo of the child (a candid snapshot or a wallet-sized portrait is perfect) with the thank-you note.

Most computers come with rudimentary photo-editing software. You can scan a photo of your child or download a digital photo and print out your own custom photo thank-you cards. I’ve had birth grandparents tell me that the photo card resides on their mantle year-round, and that the artwork my children enclose hold a place of honor on their fridge.

4.  Send handmade or “family tradition” gifts whenever possible.

Whoever coined the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts” was dead-on. I can barely remember the truckloads of train sets, Legos, clothes, and gift cards our sons have received from their respective birth families. But I think of Josh’s birth grandma every day when I see him snuggling beneath the quilt she sewed for him a couple of years ago. And I think of Ben’s birth grandma when I see the baby blanket she gave him when he was a newborn, stuffed next to his pillow.

One birth grandma sends our son a silver dollar “from Santa” to put in his Christmas stocking every year. It’s a simple, inexpensive gift, but it’s part of her family tradition—she does the same thing for her sons. Our son loves digging that silver dollar out of his stocking (which he pretends is “from Santa”); he now has a silver dollar that represents each year of his life.

Another birth grandma treats our sons to handmade Halloween, Easter, and Christmas baskets every year. Our sons rip into these gifts with delight. The baskets (or bags) usually contain little trinkets from the dollar store, some candy, and a brief, handwritten note from Grandma. But they don’t care. For them, the excitement is in:

1) anticipating the gift
2) opening the box to see what cool thing Grandma thought of this year
3) knowing Grandma and Grandpa love them

I am not a “crafty” person; sewing machines, pincushions, knitting needles and glue guns send me running the other direction, fast. But I love to take pictures, especially pictures of my kids. I upload my favorite shots of my sons to Shutterfly and create custom photo calendars for each birth parent and grandparent. They tell me that they love the calendars and that they never throw them out.

5.  Include additional children in the gift exchange.

We have two sons, adopted from different birth families. Ben’s birth mom is married and has three additional children. Josh’s birth parents have two additional children. We’re also in contact with several sets of birth grandparents and great grandparents, as well as a few aunts, uncles, and cousins. That amounts to what could be a lot of gift-giving.

As our families have continued to grow, we’ve agreed to exchange gifts just among the children. So we give gifts to the birth parents’ children and they give gifts to both our children.

Some people think this is weird and ask, “Why would a birth parent give a gift to a child who isn’t theirs?”

I reply, “Because our sons’ birth parents are thoughtful.” They imagine how difficult it would be for one child to get an ultra-cool gift from them and for the other child to receive nothing.

Trust me; kids have gift radar and they sense instantly whether one person is “getting shafted.” They may even hold it over their sibling: “My birth mom likes me better than she likes you.”  Or: “My birth mom loves me more than your birth mom loves you.”  Or (to a sibling who was not adopted): “My birth mom sends me presents, but since you’re not her birth child, you don’t get any.”

We give gifts to our sons’ biological siblings, as well (we usually give Christmas gifts because it’s hard to keep track of all the birthdays). Why? Because we like to. And because we truly are part of one another’s extended family.

Related Posts:

Birth Grandparent Grief Following Adoption

Links to Adoption Gifts and Merchandise

Even More Links to Adoption Gifts and Merchandise

A Great Family Devotional to Add to your Christmas List

More Christmas Gift Ideas for Moms

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Birth Grandparent Grief Following Adoption

We met our infant son’s birth grandparents the day after we adopted him. I recall being so giddy with delight over becoming a parent that I probably said all the wrong things to his biological grandparents and great grandparents.

While they fully supported their grandson’s adoption, I sensed—even amidst my euphoria—that they were feeling sad and confused about saying both “hello” and “goodbye” to their grandson.

Today’s guest columnist, Marie (not her real name) is a birth grandma who candidly shares the emotional upheaval she’s living through in the aftermath of her newborn grandson being placed with an adoptive family.

On June 2, 2007, I received a phone call from my adult daughter, 27, announcing that she had given birth to a baby boy. She had not told anyone she was pregnant.

She is not married and she has had some problems with alcohol so I was understandably concerned. I jumped on a plane and flew to her city. There, I discovered that her boyfriend did not want to marry her or to keep the child.

Over the next two weeks as I struggled to cope with the shock of the unexpected birth, my daughter told me it was too emotionally draining for her to stay with the baby, so I became his sole caregiver. My grandson and I bonded instantly; I was in love after only a few hours. I loved every minute of the feeding, bathing, singing—and yes—even diaper changing. We spent many long nights awake together, me promising him that I would protect him at all costs.

After 10 days my daughter and her boyfriend decided they would place him for adoption. They began reviewing prospective parents and selected a couple. I was told I would be packing his little things and delivering him the following day to his new mommy and daddy.

I lovingly complied, although ever fiber in my body told me to run away and keep him with me. That last night together I never closed my eyes, but stayed awake holding him all night—desperately trying to memorize every feature in his face, as well as his smell, his personality—knowing I would probably never see him again. I cried uncontrollably and prayed non-stop that God would find a way to give me the strength to do what was required of me.

I washed and packed all his clothes and toys and they were taken to a hotel room for safekeeping until the hour of “surrender.”  When it was time to surrender this precious angel, I dressed him in the organdy daygown I had bought for him and lovingly wrapped him in an heirloom blanket. I was determined that this little boy would get the proper sendoff.

As I walked the three blocks to the hotel with this precious baby in my arms, I felt as if I was headed to death row and the seconds were ticking off the clock. It was the most surreal experience of my 55 years and I had never felt more alone.

When I met with the adoptive parents for that short hour, we were accompanied by the case worker from their adoption agency. We were instructed prior to meeting that our last names and contact information were not to be shared. I was even asked to redact the baby's name on a prescription he had been prescribed for the treatment of thrush.

I shared with his new parents the details of his eating and sleeping patterns and the notes I had taken to help them stay on his schedule. The adoptive parents were open and loving toward me and obviously felt great empathy for my loss. They both cried (a lot) when they heard the circumstances of the adoption and realized I was in such pain. They knew I didn't want to let go and that I had no power to make any decisions which had led to this moment.

They hugged and thanked me so many times. They agreed to give him the book I had bought and inscribed prior to meeting him as well as the little stuffed lamb which played “Jesus Loves Me.” I gave them a heartfelt letter I had written to him so that one day he will know how much I love him and how much I miss him. And I gave them the most precious gift of all: my beautiful grandson.

They promised he would one day know how much his “Mimi” loves him and how a part of me went with him. They also allowed me to take a photo of them as I handed the little man off to them for safekeeping.

Although I cannot imagine him having a more loving family to grow in, my sorrow and sense of loss has deepened with every passing month. I only have pictures and the few little outfits he wore during our last few hours together to sustain me. They are in a plastic bag and still hold his sweet baby smell.

Although I adore my three other grandchildren (ages 4, 2, and 10 months), sometimes being with them emphasizes the depth of my loss of this little boy, for I am reminded of the reality that I will never hear him call my name or see him reach his little arms up to hug me. Some days I cry all day and others I can handle it without crying. Most nights I cry when I go to the privacy of my bathroom.

I recently learned that I will be allowed to communicate with the family (through the adoption agency) and that the update letters and pictures his parents have sent to the agency are on their way to me. I am so excited to have this connection after five months of being totally cut off from my grandson.

I will have the opportunity to send him something special to go under his Christmas tree this year and something to commemorate his first birthday. After that, I will be allowed to send letters, pictures, or gift cards. I am praying that the family will find a way to allow the gifts to continue past the agency's cut off date and that I am able to gain their trust and confidence.

I only want to be another person available to love him, not to interfere in their lives. I am praying that they will invite me into their lives at some point, and I trust God to take care of that as He sees fit. 

My biggest concern is that I may not still be alive when my grandson is old enough to make these decisions for himself. God knows best and I know His plan will unfold for me and for my grandson. For now I am so thankful for His abundance in getting us to this point.

I always will love my grandson, who is 5 months old now, and hope that someday, my opportunity will come to tell him in person.

Coming in the next posts:

• Suggestions for appropriate communications/gift giving among birth and adoptive families
• Resources for grieving grandparents

For more resources about adoption, please visit www.laurachristianson.com or my Amazon.com Exploring Adoption Bookstore.

The Continuing Adventures of Mac the Cat

We feed our aging, but spunky cat a bit of canned cat food every morning--a treat he enjoys immensely. As I was doing the breakfast dishes my son let Mac the Cat into the house. Mac marched right up to me, meowing incessantly.

I said to him, "Go look in your bowl. Your food's already there."

"Meeeooow." Mac didn't move.

"Go on. Go look."

"Meeeeooooow."  Still no movement.

My son, who was downstairs putting on his shoes for school, called up to me (in an exasperated voice), "Mom, just take Mac to his food bowl. He doesn't speak English!"

Post-Adoption Parenting: Where Do You Find Support?

I'm going to be contributing to a new book about post-adoption parenting and would love to share some of your stories and ideas about how to build a community of support for your child and your entire family.

• What events/challenges have you faced that convinced you of your need for a support community?
• How did you choose a health care professional(s) for your child?
• What recommendations do you have for working with educators?
• ...Finding childcare?
• Has your child needed therapy? How did you figure out whether to seek therapy? What techniques would you recommend for finding an appropriate therapist?
• Have you joined any support groups, social groups, mentoring programs, or faith-based groups? What groups do you recommend?
• In what ways do you, as a parent, find respite? Who helps you out?

If any of these questions strike a chord with you and you'd like to share your own experiences/tips, please e-mail me ASAP.

Home Needed for Boy with Reactive Attachment Disorder

One of my readers needs your help. A 12-year-old boy who has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) needs immediate placement in a group home, foster or adoptive family, or other facility (preferably Christian) that admits kids with RAD.

Can anyone refer her to a state-by-state list of facilities she can contact? Please post your suggestions in the Comments area, or e-mail me and I'll forward the info to her. Thanks!

15 Things You Need to Know Before Adopting

Here's the new audio intro message for The Adoption Decision that my publisher asked me to record for them:

Adoption Decision Audio Intro.mp3

Transracial Adoption and Self-Identity

Check out this intriguing interview with J.B. Watkins, Senior Pastor of St. Roch Community Church, a multicultural congregation in New Orleans.

J.B., who is bi-racial, offers some good suggestions about how white parents who are raising black children can help their children develop a healthy awareness of their black identity.

He also addresses how different-race parents can help their children deal with racism, how to offset raising different-race children when you live in a non-integrated neighborhood, and other important topics.

Source: From Hope to Reality, Oct. 10, 2007

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Guest Columnist: The 'Awww' Moment

Not long ago, at the urging of several readers, I published a post called "Adopting 'Problem' Children." The article discussed the "dark side" of adopting children who have been exposed to abuse, neglect, and institutional living.

After reading that post, Ninette, the mom of three children adopted from foster care, volunteered to contribute a guest column about the bright side of adopting foster children.

Ninette told me that while there are problems, diagnoses, and trips to therapist, these things can happen with any child—whether you birth them or adopt them domestically or internationally. She says, “I love my children. Sometimes they make me crazy, but they have brought so much more to my life then frustration, medication, and violence.”

Ninette and her husband, Chris, who live in Northern California, are the parents of Monika, Alex, and Bobby, who arrived in their family at ages 4, 6, and 8. Their adoption was final in May of 07. The children are currently 7, 9, and 11.

I'm delighted to share Ninette's thoughts with you today.

“Sometimes you have to wait for your moment to come.”

We didn’t get the “Aww” moment. You know the one I’m talking about; when you see your new child for the first time, whether it be in an airport, hospital, or orphanage. Once the child is in your arms the heavens open, the sun shines, and angels sing. We didn’t get one of those.

When you fost-adopt, “getting” your kids is a whirlwind of pictures, meetings, discussions, and home visits. Before you can blink an eye, they are at your door with possessions, or in our case the van to our front door. That was almost three years ago. 

Even after we got our sibling group of three (ages 4,6, and 8 upon arrival), I still read all the adoption stories. I didn’t realize it, but I was looking for a story that matched my own. They were difficult to find.

So I came to terms with the fact that those beautiful moments that parents in adoption magazines and online glowed about was not going to happen for us. Fost-adoption was just too crazy. I felt a bit cheated---like I did with most things that had to do with bringing our kids home. No baby shower, no celebrations, just assimilation. Welcome to the family; there will be a test on the names of your new aunts and uncles at the end of the week.

Then, it happened: basketball season. Our daughter, the oldest, asked Dad if he would coach her basketball team. I can tell you, there was little doubt that he would say yes.  It became a family affair, my husband Chris coaching the 9-to-11-year-olds, Alex on the 7-8 year old team, Bobby on the 5-6 team, and Mom cheering on the side lines.  We spent a good part of our Saturdays at the courts watching and participating in the games.

One of the things I noticed in all of the stories was that this “moment” tends to catch you by surprise. All the families talk about how overwhelming it was to see their baby, how they just KNEW that it was a perfect fit, that they had done the right thing.

Well, they got that part right. My moment happened on picture day at the Y. I knew that Chris had asked the photographers to take a picture of him with the kids even though they weren't on the same team, but when I opened the package and took out the picture, the heavens opened, the sun was shining, and angels were singing. There they were: my crew, my life, my love.

It might have taken almost two years but I got my moment and it was as sweet as any other. So like most “new” moms, I went around with the pictures to show everyone, “Have you seen this?”, or “Look at the picture the kids and Chris took.” I was beaming and mushy, but it was my moment. I just had to wait for it.

Related Posts:

How Much Does it Cost to Care for a Foster Child?

Adopting "Problem" Children

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.