Closed Adoption From a Birth Mother's Perspective

Guest Column:
Closed Adoption -- from the perspective of a birth mom who lives it

By Suzi Thompson

For women making adoption plans, closed adoptions aren't heard of much these days. But for some birthmothers, like myself, this was the only choice we were given due to state laws, agency rules, or the era that we placed our child in. For some birthmothers, they choose a closed adoption because they think it is the best alternative for themselves and their child.

Closed adoptions are different from open adoptions in many ways. When you kiss your child goodbye, you never know if you will ever see him/her again. We also never know of the milestones our child has made or what he/she grows up looking like.

Having a closed adoption does not mean that you will never know anything about your birth child; it means that no information is passed between birth parents and adoptive parents until the child reaches legal age. Legal age differs from state to state and is usually anywhere from 18-21. When my birth son reaches 21 our records (both ways) will open and we will gain access to any information that has been provided in those if we so choose. This is true for medical records also.

I can't say that a closed adoption is any harder on a birthmother than an open would be because I've never been part of an open adoption. I do know that the hardest part for myself in a closed adoption is the unknown. Here are some things that might help if you are part of a closed adoption or even for those of you who don't understand closed adoptions.

• One of the hardest things to deal with is the unknown. There are so many of these regarding closed adoptions.
• If you catch yourself looking around at children the same age as the child you placed remember, it’s ok. Don't let anyone tell you that it’s not!!! Besides who’s it hurting? Most people won't even know what you’re doing. 
• Some of the other unknowns aren't as easy to deal with. I can't tell anyone what to do if they wonder if the child looks like you or if they know anything about you. Just trust in the Lord that your child does.
• Birthdays are hard to deal with, because unlike other adoptions, we in closed adoptions have nothing to look forward to as far as letters, pictures or visits. One thing that I've done to help myself through this time is to throw my birth son a party myself. So what if you decide to eat the entire cake yourself? If it makes you feel better, all the better.
• Just because we don't get to send pictures or letters of ourselves to our birth children throughout the years doesn't mean we can't get the things ready for when we do reunite one day. Purchase birthday cards over the years or write letters and put them in a box marked “When we meet again” for that time.
• Also make sure your file is up to date with the agency, attorney, or state. If you've moved, fill in the agency in case they ever need to contact you.

There are a few things that you can do in order to help your birth child when they gain access to their file. 

• Have a letter waiting for them to explain why they were placed and let them know that you love them.
• You can also put some pictures of yourself and your family in there so they know what to expect when you meet again.
• Have any important medical information they may be seeking ready for them.

Like anything concerned with adoptions, you learn to take one day at a time and trust in God that everything will turn out ok. It is possible to move on and put those worries more in the back of your mind and continue to go through the years ahead with your head up knowing the best is more than likely yet to come.

Reprinted with permission from the author. This column originally appeared in the March 2006 issue of BirthMom Buds Bulletin.

To read a 5-part series on open vs. closed adoption, please visit my adoption.com blog. For more articles on open and closed adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com.