Exploring Adoption

Book Review: "A Treasury of Adoption Miracles"

Few books encourage people to become excited about adoption. But Karen Kingsbury’s new inspirational collection, A Treasury of Adoption Miracles, does just that.

Kingsbury, a bestselling author of nearly 40 books, became an adoptive mom in 2001, when she and her husband, Don, adopted three boys from Haiti.

In A Treasury of Adoption Miracles, Kingsbury shares not only her own family’s adoption miracle, but 11 other stories that illustrate the presence of God in adoption.

You’ll meet Penny Hathaway, a rebellious small-town teen who moves to Chicago to explore her creative side and becomes unintentionally pregnant.

You’ll meet Angie Wilcox, a 26-year-old Manhattan social worker (and adoptee) who shares an unusual affinity with a toddler whose parents died in a car accident – an affinity that leads Angie to make some surprising discoveries about her own past.

You’ll meet Sam Sturgell, a family law attorney who serves as the hands and feet of God as he facilitates adoptions among birth and adoptive parents.

The characters in Kingsbury’s book are real; she gleans them from readers who feel compelled to share their adoption stories with her. “People tell me, ‘Here’s my story. If it would encourage anyone else, I’d love to share it,’” says Kingsbury.

Kingsbury believes that the Biblical mandate “to look after orphans and widows in their distress” (James 1:27 NIV) sometimes leads people to adoption or challenges them to think about adoption in new ways. While adopting a child isn’t right for everyone, Kingsbury suggests that readers can pray for a hurting child or support a child who’s living in an orphanage.

A Treasury of Adoption Miracles is a homey pick-me-up for anyone whose life is touched by adoption. The stories are short enough that even the busiest reader can sneak in a chapter during a coffee break. I recommend reading and digesting one chapter at a time. However, you will likely become captivated by each story and won’t be able to wait to read the next one…and the next one…and the next one. The book ends all too soon.

As Kingsbury herself says, “The stories are so touching. They make you cry.”

A Treasury of Adoption Miracles (Warner Faith 2005; $12.99) is the fifth book in Kingsbury Kingsbury’s “A Treasury of Miracles” series. Other titles include A Treasury of Miracles for Teens, A Treasury of Miracles for Women, A Treasury of Christmas Miracles, and A Treasury of Miracles for Friends.

If you’d like to learn more about Karen Kingsbury, you can read a three-part interview I conducted with her at laurachristianson.com, or visit Karen's Web site, karenkingsbury.com.

New Children's Book for Down Syndrome Families

"Me, Hailey," is a a brand new children's book about Down syndrome, written by my friend Sheri Plucker. The story is about a little girl, Hailey, who has Down syndrome and attends her first day of school.

Sheri is not an adoptive mom, but her daughter, Hailey, has Down syndrome and Sheri has a passion for sharing the pros and cons of parenting a child who has special needs. I know that many of the people who read my blog are interested in adopting children with Down syndrome, and I thought you'd enjoy this new resource that helps children and adults to better understand the issue.

You can order "Me, Hailey" from Jason & Nordic Publishers ($8.95 paperback; $14.95 hardback)  or visit Sheri's website.

For more adoption information, visit Laura's Web site: www.laurachristianson.com

Coping with Loved Ones Who Don’t Support Adoption

This is the tenth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-9 were posted September 12, 14-16, 19, October 11-13 and 18.

When people decide to adopt, they often feel scared about what lies ahead. They crave the support of those closest to them: family, friends, and co-workers.

Many adoptive parents struggle through fertility challenges before deciding to adopt. They’ve watched from the sidelines as family members and friends announce their pregnancies. They’ve observed the thrill of excitement that surrounds the newly-expectant parent. Now it’s their turn. They’re going to have a child, too. The adoptive parents hope that their announcement is greeted with the same spontaneous outpouring of joy. In some cases, family and friends react with shock, dismay, or lukewarm acceptance.

The adoptive parent wonders: Is it possible to have both the family’s blessing and the child? If the family doesn’t bless this decision, should I follow through with the adoption? If I adopt this child, will the family shun me, or worse, shun my child?

Then comes the period immediately after the adoption. When people give birth to a child, they’re inundated with well-wishers who bring meals, throw showers, and generally show up to help. That may not happen for adoptive parents. Employers who provide generous maternity and paternity leave for biological parents may not do the same for adoptive parents. People assume that because you weren’t physically parent, that you have everything under control – that you’re energetic and fully equipped to launch into parenting. They are soooo wrong.

The day we brought home our first child, we had just straggled off a 12-hour plane flight. We were hungry, exhausted and running on adrenaline. Because our son arrived unexpectedly, the only baby paraphernalia we owned was a car seat. Our son slept in a dresser drawer his first night with us. Talk about parents in need of a helping hand!

The authors of The Post-Adoption Blues offer helpful coping strategies for adoptive parents:

Understand that your views, philosophies, and ideas of being a parent may not match those of your family and friends. If you’re the first person in your extended family to adopt, be prepared educate them. Remember that while you have had time to mull over the idea of adopting and to emotionally prepare for it, your decision may come as a surprise to your loved ones.

Family members, especially, may warn you that you’re taking a huge risk. Future grandparents may grieve that genetic carbon copies of the family “bloodline” will not continue through your child. If you plan to adopt transracially, you may have to deal with prejudice issues.

Those close to you will either “get” it, or they won’t. Try not to take their reaction personally. They may be reacting to some adoption story they’ve seen on TV, read about in the paper, or heard from the friend of a friend. Give them time to adjust to your decision. Decide how much information they can handle in one chunk. Discuss their fears and share with them what you’ve done to approach this path to parenthood.

If you have a spouse, let your spouse deal with his family and you deal with your family. That way, you won’t end up resenting one another because one of you took on the burden of telling everyone.

Surround yourself with people who “get” adoption. You’ll gain strength and a sense of belonging by joining an adoptive support group, meeting other adoptive parents (or future parents) or by attending adoption workshops.

Set boundaries to protect yourself and your child. “Even with time and your best efforts, some family members may not choose to accept your child or to see you as a legitimate parent,” write the authors. One adoptive mom, whose mother was completely nonsupportive, finally told her mom: “I’m not asking you for your opinion. I’m telling you for your information. I’m going to be a mother. You can be a grandmother or not. It’s okay.”

Communicate your needs with loved ones. “Educating others about adoption and educating others about your needs are two different issues,” write the authors. Think about what you’ll need, pre- and post-adoption. Make a list of specific, concrete statements and rehearse them before you approach your loved ones.

Adopting Black Children When You Live in a White Community

Parents who live in mostly-white or all-white communities often have reservations about adopting a child of another race. Understandably so. I live in a “vanilla” community and the adopted East Indian children who attend my son’s school stand out. As do the handful of black, Hispanic and Asian children.

The staff at our school makes a very big deal about treating everyone equally and not teasing or bullying others, but I often wonder whether those kids are treated differently, because they’re more colorful than most of the other kids.

My former next-door-neighbor – a Caucasian with daughters adopted from Korea, told me that one day, her daughter tearfully confessed to being teased about her skin color on the school bus. She had avoided telling her mom for years, because she didn’t want her mom to feel guilty about adopting her and raising her in a white community.

Other friends, who live in multi-ethnic Seattle, are concerned about whether their parents, who live in the Midwest, will  accept an adopted child of color into the family.

Recently, someone told me about a couple who had adopted a black girl and a boy (biological siblings). The kids, now teenagers, have had varying experiences in their vanilla community. The boy, who is athletic, got into sports and has been fully accepted by his peers. Seems that sports is the universal language of the male gender – if you’re an athlete, you’re accepted. Period.

The girl, who is gorgeous, has always felt inferior. While the girl’s white mother attempts to help her daughter understand how beautiful she is, inside and out, Mom knows that no matter how hard she tries, she will never be able to offer her daughter the same perspective as a black mother would.

Helping an adopted child assimilate into his or her community culture is a huge task that all adoptive families face. I’d love for you to contribute your thoughts on the subject.

• How do you, as an adoptive parent or child, assimilate (or help your child assimilate) into your community?
• What difficulties have you faced? What challenges?
• What are you learning?
• What inroads have you made?
• What advice can you share with people who are thinking of adopting a child of another race?
• What advice can you share with other adopted people who are living in a community where most of the people are a different color than you are?

Feel free to add your comments below or email me and I’ll include your insights in a future post.

Couple Cooks Up Creative Way to Finance Their Adoption

A couple from Edmonton, Alberta (Canada) cooked up a creative fundraiser to help them afford adopting from China: they've published a cookbook.

Family and friends contributed recipes for the cookbook, which the couple is selling for $15 at a local mall, coffee shop, and fire equipment store.

The adoption will cost the couple about $25,000 (US). They hope to raise half the money through the cookbook sale and other fundraisers, such as a garage sale and a Christmas bazaar. They'll finance the rest through their savings and by taking out a loan. So far, the couple has raised about $8,000.

Kudos to this couple -- and to the thousands like them -- who do whatever it takes to provide a child with a good home!

Source: Hinton Parklander

Toy-Marketing Campaign Urges Girls to ‘Adopt’ Baby Dolls

Prominent adoption advocates are denouncing a toy store marketing ploy in which girls (and boys who like dolls) browse through “Newborn Nursery Adoption Centers” to choose a lifelike doll “who looks just like you” to “adopt.”

The Centers sell 22 models of dolls with different complexions, facial features, hair and eye colors at $100 a pop. Shoppers gaze through a viewing window at the hospital “nursery” and select their “newborn,” who is “anxiously waiting for a loving home.”

The prospective “parent” then completes an adoption application (oops, they’ve got that backwards – that comes first in real life) and an employee dressed as a nurse makes sure that all the questions are completed (shouldn’t this be a social worker? And what about the home visit? If the “parent” doesn’t answer all the questions, does she get turned down?)

The “nurse” helps the new “mommy” put on a hospital gown, conducts a health exam of the “baby,” and shows the “mommy” how to hold the baby properly. The nurse then takes a picture of the new “mommy” holding her baby. The “mommy” gets to name her child, of course, and is presented with an official birth certificate (wow, much faster than in real life).

The new “parent” (I’m assuming she’s a single mother, in most cases) is then encouraged to accessorize! Stylish outfits, blankets, diaper bags, strollers and much, much more are available for purchase, right there at the “hospital.”

“Parents” who aren’t completely satisfied with their “child” can return the doll for a full refund within 30 days.

Newborn Nursery’s Web site claims, “You’ll love every step of the magical adoption process. Adopting is as easy as 1-2-3." If only real adoptions were so quick, streamlined and inexpensive!

Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption institute, is disgusted. “Your campaign is insidiously offensive, stigmatizing and demeaning, and it should end,” he wrote in a letter sent to Saks Inc. and FAO Schwartz executives. Pertman asserts that the campaign conveys the notion that adopted children are salable commodities.

Pertman states that the Newborn Nursery concept does not reflect modern adoption practices that place more focus on the children and their biological parents. He says that promoting the selection and sale of babies trivializes the adoption process “by turning an intensely profound experience into a superficial, commercial enterprise.”

Not surprisingly, Ken Werner, president of Lee Middleton Original Dolls, is shocked and dismayed by Pertman’s criticism. “We’ve sold thousands and thousands of dolls in this category and accumulated many accolades,” he said in a phone interview with The Conservative Voice.

Yes, the sale of thousands of dolls at $100 each does kind of give you the warm fuzzies, doesn’t it?

I haven’t made up my mind as to where I stand on this issue…or whether I want to take a stand. I agree with Pertman that the concept promotes long-outdated adoption methodology – the same methodology that remains firmly entrenched in most people’s minds, thanks to marketing campaigns such as this one.

I also agree with Nancy Ashe, blog writer at adoption.com, who says that adoption is an adult experience, and that selling babies to “adopt” artificially dumbs down adoption for children.

Having recently spent time working in marketing field, I understand the lengths to which toy marketers will go to make their product irresistible to kids. Often, what seems like a completely cute idea to marketers completely grates on the nerves of the buying public.

I remember the furor over Cabbage Patch kids, who also came with adoption papers. At least these babies are better looking than those scary Cabbage critters were! Is the adoption community making too big a stink over a fad that’ll likely die out at the end of the holiday shopping season?

I’m wondering what happens when the “mommies” take their babies home? Do the new mothers clean up their child’s poop and projectile vomit, just like real mommies do? Or do the dolls take up residence in a dark corner of the closet (which is where my kids’ Cabbage Patch kid resides)? It seems the allure of this marketing scheme is more in the process, and less in the product.

Readers, what do you think?

Foster Mom Searches for Long-Lost Son

There's a poignant essay about foster parenting in the May/June 2004 Christian Reader. In the story, Martha Chamberlain describes 2-year-old Eddie, the foster son she and her husband had the privilege of parenting 35 years ago.

When Eddie's mother released him for adoption, Martha and her husband, Ray, hoped to adopt him. But Martha was pregnant at the time and the prevalent notion in the 70s was that foster parents should not adopt children in their care.

The essay chronicles Martha's feelings as she prepared to send Eddie into the arms of his adoptive family. Her story is a moving look about how the lives of foster families are indelibly touched by the children they care for.

Foster Families Displaced by Hurricanes Need Our Help

Adoptive Families Magazine sent the following appeal to its readers today:

Katrina and Rita may be fading from our minds, but those affected by the hurricanes need our help more than ever! Of families displaced, foster children and foster families are truly among the most vulnerable. The figures are heartbreaking: more than 2,000 foster children and their foster families had to leave their homes in Louisiana alone.

Many of these children and their families, always among the most marginal economically, have lost their houses and belongings permanently. They are currently living in shelters under the most difficult circumstances, without basic clothing or supplies, throughout Mississippi and Louisiana.

The National Foster Parents Association (NFPA) is coordinating assistance for foster families devastated by the hurricanes. At this time, they are requesting donations of cash and winter clothing.  For more information, see the NFPA website: www.nfpainc.org

You can donate money to the NFPA online, or send it to: 

The National Foster Parent Association
7512 Stanich Lane, #6
Gig Harbor, WA  98335
or by telephone at: 1-800-557-5238

The NFPA has also begun a Holiday Gift Drive, and is hoping to collect 12,000 gifts for foster children throughout Louisiana and Mississippi. This will free up state resources to cover the families' basic needs. You may send new, unwrapped holiday gifts appropriate for children ages two through 17 to:

Louisiana:
Pride and Hope Ministries
Attn: Myra Magee
25502 Highway 21
Angie, LA  70426
or
Volunteers of America
Attn: Pam Bolke
1945 Carolyn Sue Drive
Baton Rouge, LA  70815

Mississippi:
Mississippi Foster/Adoptive Parent Association
Attn: Becky Watkins
115 Glynn Avenue
Quitman, MS  39355

Please forward this email to those in our community who might want to help. Join us in providing support for children in need and the families who care for them.

Thank you!
Susan Freivalds and Susan Caughman
Adoptive Families magazine
www.adoptivefamilies.com

Pakistan Bans Adoption of Earthquake Survivors

The Pakistan government has banned the adoption of children orphaned during the October 8 earthquake. Instead, the government has set up special shelters for the hundreds of Pakistani children whose parents died during the quake while they attempt to reunite them with extended family members. Pakistani leaders have assured the public that the government will take responsibility for the upbringing of any children orphaned during the quake.

Thousands of offers to adopt the children have poured in from around the world. Interestingly, in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina in the United States, I did not see a single article about people offering to adopt children orphaned by Katrina.

Is Older Child Adoption Truly A Match Made In Heaven?

This is the ninth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-8 were posted September 12, 14, 15, 16, 19 and October 11-13.

When parents set up criteria for a child they’d like to be matched with, they often specify qualities such as age, race, and sex. For example, parents can indicate that they’d like to adopt a healthy, 18-month old bi-racial girl.

What most parents don’t consider is that matching has much more to do with the child’s personality and much less to do with sex, race and age, says Regina Kupecky, coauthor of Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child. Parents “assume that if they get a younger child, then everything will be okay,” says Kupecky, in an interview for The Post-Adoption Blues. She points out that a 2-year-old child may be mean and difficult, whereas a 6-year-old boy may be fine.

Kupecky recommends spending as much time as possible with the child prior to the adoption, or speaking with someone who knows the child well. I agree with Kupecky’s assessment. A few years ago, a friend was seeking to adopt a 4-year-old Russian girl. She and her husband became host families for a summer exchange program that brought Russian orphans to the U.S. for several weeks. The children lived with the families who hoped to adopt them and participated in cultural activities (read more about cultural programs for adopting orphans in my November 27, 2004 post.

The experience was a disaster. My friend hosted a child who fit her specifications, yet during the weeks the child lived with them, she wreaked havoc on everything and everyone in the family and all were left heartbroken. This family eventually adopted another child, but they learned that they couldn’t just accept what the child’s paperwork said at face value.

Everyone who adopts a child has a risk-taking mentality. Parents venture into the unknown, hoping and praying that their child will be the perfect fit for their family. Particularly when they’re adopting internationally or from foster care, parents need to be aware that adoption professionals will present the child in the best possible light. They’ll highlight the child’s endearing qualities and may gloss over some of her more difficult character traits.

Fortunately, many parents have the opportunity to get to know their child before the adoption – usually during multiple, extended visits to the child’s country of origin or during numerous visits arranged by a foster care worker. If you’re planning to adopt and you have the means to get to know your child first, it’s critical that you take advantage of that gift. Time together allows all of you to test the waters and learn whether this truly is a match made in heaven.

I thought I would never, ever advocate parents pulling out of an adoption match. I believed that once the adoption process was put in motion, it was meant to keep rolling through completion. Parents should learn to deal with anything their child could throw at them, I thought. After all, the parents chose this match and it’s their responsibility to make it work. A child isn’t a commodity to be tossed around and then discarded if she doesn’t meet our criteria.

Then some of my friends reluctantly gave up a child they planned to adopt – a foster child who had lived with them for two years. Saying goodbye broke their hearts. It broke my heart. Watching this situation unfold taught me that no matter what our best intentions, there are some situations we are incapable of dealing with. Fooling ourselves into believing we can conquer any problem a child brings with her into an adoption is wrong. And when parents realize that no amount of intervention is going to save the match or “cure” the issues the child faces, parents should seriously consider pulling out, before the adoption is finalized in court.

While giving up on an adoption – particularly if the child is already living in your home – is extraordinarily painful for everyone involved and should only be done as a last resort, it can prevent a lifetime of heartache…for the parents and the child.