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Adoptive Families magazine (June 2005) contains an excellent pullout guide to bonding with your baby after adoption. The guide focuses on the first weeks and months after parents adopt a newborn or child under age one.
The best news: Adoptive Families website contains an extensive selection of articles on related topics! Check it out at http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/bonding/.
In the last two
entries, we’ve talked about how single parents can cope with the stress of
parenting. Here are some additional suggestions from Making Children Mind
Without Losing Yours, by Dr. Kevin Leman, author of 21 books on marriage and
family.
Single parents are not doomed to a second-rate life. But their lives are full of stress. Many in high-stress lives learn to hum along at a rapid pace. They get so used to it, they don’t even notice how stressed they are. Often, it takes some kind of breakdown – emotional, physical, or relational-- to let them know.
This is Part 2 of an
interview with Diane Lostrangio, Executive Director of New Hope Child and Family Agency in Seattle. In Part 1 (Sept. 26, 2005), we discussed parent-child bonding. Today
we discuss some coping strategies single parents can use when they’re feeling
overwhelmed.
Anxious moments
It’s normal for all parents, whether they’ve just given birth to a baby or adopted, to feel moments…hours…especially in the middle of the night, of the hugeness of the responsibility pressing. This sense of responsibility becomes magnified for single parents, even if they have a good support system. They feel the additional pressure of, it’s all about me. If something should happen to me, there’s no one to step in.
Coping mechanism #1: Talk to your adoption social worker
If you’re having trouble coping, there’s no benefit in being stoic about it. Talk to your social worker about it. If you’re candid with your caseworker and your caseworker has any experience with singles, the caseworker can give you the context for what’s normal. The caseworker can also reflect on your progress over time. When you’re in the middle of it, you don’t see the progress in your own ability to cope. Sometimes, it’s tremendously reassuring to realize that parenting may still feel overwhelming at times, but at this point, two months out, you’re coping a whole lot better than you were at two weeks out. It’s important to have somebody who can mirror that progress back to you. Your social worker and another adoptive parent are the best choices to do that.
Coping mechanism #2:
Hook up with other adoptive parents
The best place to feel freest [about sharing frustrations] is with other adoptive parents who have walked the path. They’ll understand and they’ll have a good intuitive sense about whether your feelings are so pervasive that you may need professional support. Those who are not acquainted with adoption may have a hard time with the fact that you’re having these feelings. I would reserve my free speech for those who know the path best.
Your agency can give you the name of another adoptive parent who is not quite in the same phase that you’re in. It’s great to hook people up with other people who have walked similar past, but are further along in the progression.
Coping mechanism #3:
Learn from your child
Children teach us a lot about the need to slow down. Our culture presses us to work harder and faster. Kids teach us to stay in the moment. If you do a lot of future thinking and planning, try to catch yourself – to bask in reading books or pushing your child on a swing. Enjoy those moments, because they do teach us to slow down; they teach us about the important things in life.
Coping mechanism #4:
Let it go
Whether you’re two working parents or a single parent, let go of some of the stuff that isn’t going to matter in the long term, like the house being messy and things being out of order. Learn to tolerate more disarray; keep dinner simple and focus on making the transition from daycare into the evening a positive one.
Typically, you get your child at the end of the day and they’re ready to see you. You feel like you’re on the track of, “I’ve gotta get dinner going; I’ve gotta get a load of laundry in.”
Kids from orphanages and foster care are skilled at tuning into emotional states because their well-being depends on learning how to work with that.
But we get task oriented and forge ahead. Then both parent and child melt down.
If you can figure out a way to get in the door and have some
down time together, you can diffuse acting out, crying and power struggling and
you’re both going to feel a lot better.
Rather than heading immediately into the kitchen to start cooking the meal, eat some finger food or fruit. That way, you satisfy the initial need to get some food in you, and you can sit and cuddle and read a book, which is what a small child will really be needing after they haven’t seen you all day.
A couple of years ago,
when I was writing a story for Working Mother magazine about a single,
professional woman who adopted a toddler from Bulgaria, I interviewed Diane
Lostrangio, Executive Director of New Hope Child and Family Agency in
Seattle. It’s a treat to talk with Diane, because she’s a wealth of information
about adoption (she’s also an adoptive mom). This two-part series includes
excerpts from our interview, in which we discussed bonding. Although we were
discussing bonding as it pertains to single parents, Diane’s comments are
equally applicable to two-parent families:
From Dream World to
Real World
With international adoption in particular, there’s so much anticipation, buildup and so many hurdles to jump in terms of the dossier, the paperwork, the delays, and the ups and downs of what’s happening in that country, that a letdown comes after you come home. If you’ve traveled overseas, the trip can be exciting in and of itself. You stay in that country; your laundry’s getting done; you’re eating your meals out. All you do in that country is concentrate on your new child. The job isn’t calling. And then you get back home to reality.
Parenting has a
different rhythm than work
The adoption process can feed the sense that you’re really well prepared to parent. You have to pass this test, so to speak. You’ve been through the homestudy; you’ve undergone scrutiny. Adoptive parents are typically older; they’re established professionally. They often work in spheres where working harder and working smarter helps them overcome the difficulty. A lot of parenting, especially in the early years, is just managing the changing terrain.
Give yourself
permission to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day
One of the sad realities for adoptive parents is that they don’t feel a lot of permission to have the normal mix of feelings that any parent does. Typically their process is very public – everyone has been pulling for them. They’re taking a great deal of initiative in overcoming tremendous obstacles to become a parent. Everybody presumes that this is the answer to prayer. We feed into the notion that somehow, a child, a relationship can completely fulfill us. And the reality of any relationship is that no one person is going to meet all your needs. Talk to any mother about a day home with a child. You love them but there are times when you get very frustrated.
Devote your attention
to bonding
There needs to be high-level attentiveness to the whole bonding piece. Even infant adoptees and newborns go through a transition in caregivers. Everything that’s familiar – sounds, feel, smells – changes, two days, three days post-birth. Just because infants can’t express it in the same way as older children doesn’t mean that they’re not undergoing a change. It’s optimal if there can be some high-level availability on the part of the primary parent to that infant through that time.
The first year is
critical
[Parents should] devote as much time as possible to optimizing time with their child in the early months and the first year. The first year is a critical transition period. I think of the transition and adjustment as being at least a full year. With older kids, you can view the transition time as far longer than that. When you’re talking about an infant-toddler, expect a full year where getting that child transitioned is a high-level priority in your life.
Take time off your
job, if possible
Singles need to take off as much time as they can possibly take after the child’s placement. Especially if the child is a little bit older, people tend to underestimate what the child’s needs are and how much the child will need. Kids who have been in orphanage care often make a very good transition into day care, but you want to orient them to family life.
Plan different scenarios
Ask yourself: How much time can I take off before I have to go back to work? You might say: I think I can hypothetically swing two months off and then she’ll start child care. Keep in mind that you’re going from two months off to full time child care. Think through whether that feels the best for you and for the child.
Another option might be to look at four weeks home and the equivalent of those hours that you would have taken off in those four weeks of gradually entering the child in to childcare. This is true for couples who both work, too, but for singles it’s more critical.
Some of that will be influenced by how your child’s
adjustment goes. Some kids adjust very well and seem ready to bond. You don’t always
know what’s going to feel optimal to your child.
Find balance
If you’re single, it’s going to be a radical shift to go from defining all of your time outside of work to be able to do whatever you want to, to being “on,” all the time. If you’re adopting an older child or an internationally adopted child who’s been in orphanage care, the time you’re not working does need to be largely devoted to building the bond and the attachment with the child. However, if you don’t build in some time for yourself, you’ll get burned out and you’ll feel isolated. It’s a balance.
Recognize that, in the early years of your child’s life, you’re not going to be pursuing lots of your favorite hobbies and pursuits. You’re going to be attending to your work. You’re going to be spending as much time with your child and trying to build in those pockets of down time for yourself so that you don’t get burned out. There’s a limit to quality time. Kids need quantity time, too.
Stay tuned for Part 2,
when we’ll discuss ways for frazzled parents to cope.
People regularly ask me how go about adopting a child. There are some great resources at FamilyLife.com to get you started. You can download a PDF of The Adoption Guide, which is not only very informative, but it's also beautifully designed. The Adoption Guide acknowledges that the adoption process can be overwhelming and provides parents with tools to begin their research, whether it be for adopting internationally, domestically or via U.S. foster care.
The brochure covers common myths about adoption, explains the three basic types of adoption, and walks you through the eight major steps of adoption.
FamilyLife's Orphans Ministry Guide teaches people how to challenge and equip others in their church to adopt and care for orphans. The guide details four steps to establishing an orphans ministry within your church. Several inspiring stories of adoptive families are included.
The site also offers two other downloadable brochures: the Hope For Orphans brochure and the "If You Were Mine" adoption workshop brochure. FamilyLife hosts one-day "If You Were Mine" adoption workshops in various parts of the country (six workshops per year).
The workshops, which average 200 attendees each, are for couples who:
This Fall, workshops will be held in Kentwood, MI, Frisco, TX, and Houston, TX.
Four National "Angels in Adoption" were honored last week for their outstanding contributions toward the welfare of children in U.S. foster care and orphans around the world. These "Angels" are adoption champions who have worked to raise Congressional and public awareness about the millions of foster children and orphans who need permanent homes.
The National Angels are First Lady Laura Bush; Victoria Rowell (actress and founder of The Rowell Foster Children's Positive Plan); Jars of Clay (Grammy Award winning Christian recording artists and founders of Blood:Water Mission), and Sesame Workshop (the nonprofit organization behind Sesame Street and Dragon Tales).
More than 190 Congressional Angels in Adoption were selected by their U.S. Representatives and Senators from all 50 states and the District of Columbia.
Thank you to the people, award winners or not, who are making a difference in the lives of children by helping them to find permanent homes!
Link: CCM Magazine.
Several galleries in Iowa are hosting the "Heart Gallery," an art exhibit comprised of creative portraits of Iowa children waiting for foster or adoptive homes. This exhibit and similar exhibits in other states serve as powerful awareness-building tools about the need for foster and adoptive families for older or special needs children.
Two of the children featured in "Heart Gallery" have found permanent homes since the exhibit opened. "Heart Gallery" is hosted by KidSake, an organization that matches waiting children with families. KidSake is funded by the Iowa Department of Human Services and run through the Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association.
Link: Storm Lake Pilot Tribune.
“Inconceivable,” a prime-time soap opera set in a fertility
clinic, debuts this Friday at 10 p.m. on NBC.
“Crap.”
“Insulting.”
“Inaccurate, misleading and unrealistic.”
“Perpetuates myths and plays upon the biggest fears of patients.”
“Trivializes something that is private, painful and involving life and death.”
It sounds like more of the same ‘ole, same ‘ole for prime time TV. Last year, when the adoption game show, “Who’s Your Daddy,” debuted, public outcry relegated it immediately to the trash heap. The series lasted a whopping one episode.
Sounds as if this new drama might suffer a similar fate. Seattle Times reporter Carol Ostrom interviewed several fertility patients and doctors who previewed the show. One patient worried that it’s already hard enough to explain fertility treatment to friends and relatives, without the added weight of a TV show that shapes the public’s views about the subject in an unrealistic manner.
Ostrom writes: “Doctors and patients alike bristled at the portrayal of [the show’s] doctors as scheming, self-centered and libidinous.”
“Have you ever heard of a sexy endocrinologist?” asked one psychiatrist who counsels fertility patients.
Of course, the show’s doctors are sexy, slimy and slick. In typical soap fashion, nurses sleep with doctors, sperm samples are switched and unethical behavior abounds.
An accurate depiction of life in a fertility clinic it’s not. According to the critics who previewed the show, it’s less than a riveting drama – more like a sad comedy of errors.
There are many directories where you can find blogs about anything and everything, including adoption (for examples, see the "Blog Directories" list in the right-hand column near the bottom of this page).
My Yahoo! is one of my favorite directories. When you register as a Yahoo! user, you can sign in to your account and then type "adoption" into the "Find Content" field. The page will display a couple hundred blogs and Websites relating to adoption. Simply click the "Add" box to add a specific blog to your Yahoo! Start page.
On Yahoo!, my blog is listed as "Adoptions" and the descriptor says, "Blog dedicated to everything related to adoption." Today, it is listed #9 on the first page of the directory.
When you open your Yahoo! browser window, the list of blogs you added will be displayed, with the added bonus that it lists titles of the articles posted within the last three days and tells you exactly how many hours ago the entries were posted. You can then edit the display options of individual blogs on your list. You can display from 1-30 articles and can even display summaries of articles.
My Yahoo! is a great way to follow your favorite blogs and to keep abreast of the latest happenings in the wonderful world of adoption. Thanks to all of my faithful readers who access my blog via My Yahoo!
P.S. Yahoo! Groups also offers thousands of discussion groups dedicated to every aspect of adoption. To find them, click on http://groups.yahoo.com/ and type "adoption" in the "Find a Group" form. I've used Yahoo! Groups for years and they don't generate spam. I highly recommend them.
This is the fifth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-4 were posted September 12, 14, 15, and 16, 2005.
Chapter 3 addresses several myths parents have about attaching with their child:
Myth #1: “I will immediately feel that this is my
child.”
Everything we’ve heard about bonding tells us it’s supposed to be natural, spontaneous, instantaneous, and intense. I’ve had many parents tell me, “I saw a photo listing on the Internet and a picture of this sweet little girl just jumped out at me. I knew instantly that she was my child.”
While Super-Glue bonding does take place, more often than not, it doesn’t. And when a parent struggles, after weeks or even months, to feel any sense of connection with their child, everyone’s anxiety levels skyrocket.
Myth #2: “I will like
this child.”
Of course we all plan to like our children. We are determined to like them. But many parents admit, “I love my child but I don’t like her.” The reluctance to like one’s child can occur when parent and child have different temperaments, personalities and life experiences (particularly in the case of an institutionalized child).
Myth #3: “If I
maintain some emotional distance, I won’t get hurt.”
Guarding one’s emotions happens regularly with foster parents who are making the transition between fostering and becoming legal parents. During this taxing time, there may be custody issues, court appearances and stressful visits with birth parents. The adoptive parents begin to wonder, “Will I ever be this child’s parent?” They try to protect their feelings by erecting emotional walls between themselves and the child.
Myth #4: “I will
handle the changes in lifestyle that parenting brings.”
“Children are children: dependent, raw, impulse-driven small beings who need direction, time, and discipline. They are not little adults. They are not born with an innate sense of right and wrong. They are exhausting, lovable little creatures that make you nearly forget what life was like before they came to you.”
The day-to-day reality of parenting is very different – and extraordinarily more tiring – than what many parents envisioned, testing the mettle of even the most stalwart parent.
How to cope? Thankfully, the authors don’t just leave us hanging, but offer some helpful coping strategies. They include:
Know when to seek help. If you’ve given the bonding thing some time and you’re still feeling overwhelmingly sad, paralyzed or panicked, or you’re considering harming yourself or your child, seek help immediately.
Forgive yourself. Your decision to adopt was made in good faith and with good intentions. Give yourself a break. You don’t have to be Super Parent.
Prioritize your life. The addition of a child can shake your equilibrium. Spend some time setting priorities, determining how realistic they are and figuring out what adjustments you need to make.
Provide respite care for yourself. Spending 24/7 with your child and feeling frustrated because you aren’t bonding can make you feel even more frustrated. A parenting break – which could be as simple as a dinner out or as complex as putting your child in daycare – may be the fix you need to save your sanity.
Seek professional help through counseling. A counselor who understands the dynamics of adoption and who is well acquainted with loss, grief and separation issues might be just the ticket. When looking for a therapist, the authors recommend asking “what therapeutic interventions are used, what the therapist’s background in adoption is, their philosophy of adoption and what contact with adoption they have had personally and professionally.” Local adoption professionals should be able to refer you to therapists who specialize in adoption issues.
Confide in someone who loves you. “Sharing the secrets of your heart takes away the secrets’ power.” Disclosing your shame, guilt and anger to a nonjudgmental friend who validates your feelings may help get you over the hump.
Seek strength in spiritual renewal. Your faith is very likely what led you to adopt in the first place; call on it to help you cope with the stress and learn to truly love your child.
