Pros and Cons of Adoption Revisited

A while back, I posted a series of entries discussing the pros and cons of adoption (December 4, 6, 8 and 15, 2004). Those posts have proven to be the most well-read ones on my blog. Today I received a message from a student who is doing a school project/debate  -- she is taking the pro adoption stance and her partner is arguing against it.

However, the "pro" person can think of only three reasons to be "for" adoption:

• A woman is raped
• A woman is very poor
• A woman cannot care for her child

Let's help her out, folks. I know that all kinds of people read this blog -- adoptive parents, adopted people, birth parents and those just interested in the topic. Without getting into a battle over whether adoption is right or wrong, I invite you offer this young woman some suggestions, based on your own experience, about the pros and cons of adoption. Please post your comments below this entry.

For more adoption information, visit Laura's Web site: www.laurachristianson.com

Comments

[Jennifer]

I am new at this Blog thing, yet, not new at adoption. I was adopted as a baby and when I was sixteen I was forced by my adopted parents to place my own child for adoption, I was told that I could not come home until my baby was placed. I felt rejected as a adoptee, not because I was not loved I was, but, because I did not know who gave birth to me and who my birth family was. I had so many questions and now that I have found my birth mother I have the answers. Many people feel that birth mothers want to give up their babies for adoption, but maybe that is not aways true. It takes a strong brave women or a brave teen to give their child to someone else not knowing what will happen to their baby.I help adoptee's and birth mother's locate each other now. I do this because we all need to know answers to our questions.I do this to help others and a little of it helps me too, because others feel like I do.

[Aunt Mama]

Adoptive Relationships in a Post-Moral Society:

I am sympathetic to the desire to help adoptees and birth parents renew their relationships. However, as the adopting parent of two grown daughters, I feel qualified to address some fallacies that have taken hold in a Post-Moral society.

First, the romanticism: Almost always, the primary emphasis is on reconnecting to the birth *mother*; and this is possibly because our culture tends to leave males out of the circle of love. Remember, for every biological mother, there is a biological father.

However, lest we go too far down that trail, it might be good to rethink the entire sentimental construct that has become popular today. It is a construct that victimizes adopting couples, biological parents, and the adoptees, themselves. It has become a pat substitution for reality. And, reality heals clean, where substitutes are only future scar tissue.

Bear with me a moment... in fact, take a time trip with me to earlier eras in which adoption was undertaken for practical purposes, and in which it was viewed with what we might now call pragmatism.

From antiquity up until the current era in which everything... (music, art, relationships, ad infinitum...) has suffered a paradigm shift from realism to sentimentalism... adoption was a simple legal process undertaken to accomplish one of the following:

a) to continue a line of inheritance... such as when a distant kinsman would be adopted, or grafted into, the direct line of inheritance, thereby eliminating the likelihood of an honorable family's line being lost from the annals of local history.

b) to take care of the child of one's close friend or kinsman, who might have been, for instance, lost in foreign service, leaving the child destitute.

c) to provide a companion for an only child. Often, given a proper upbringing and education, the companion child could marry into a social class that would not have been possible to enter otherwise. In this situation, a promising young person was understood to be a Pygmalion project. Nineteenth century novels and poems are full of these lovely stories, and, most importantly, of the child's gratitude toward, and love for, his adopted family is indeed a beautiful thing. The adoptive mother often was referred to still as Aunt... or Cousin... or, where no blood relationship existed, as Miss... or Mister... and with the tenderest appreciation.

Sometime, perhaps with the decline of classical arts and literature, a less profound, penny novel, shift in thinking began to dominate Western thought: Rather than being seen as benefactors, adoptive families were cast as needy, lonely, unfulfilled. Today's participants in adoption suffer from the results of this unfortunate paradigm shift. Adopting parents are congratulated on having acquired a child. Adopted children are described as little gifts from above. Gone is gratitude.. gratitude of society to a family willing to stretch resources to meet the needs of another family's chld.. gratitude of an adopted child to a totally unrelated couple who freely commit to the care of one or more homeless children, who confer to these children next-of-kin status, and who bequeath unto the children a respected family name and social standing.

Regarding the shift of perceived motivation for abandonment of the child who is placed for adoption:

I believe that it takes more strength and courage today than ever before to adopt another family's child. Where, in times past, the history of the child's own family was widely known, today most adoptions still are "closed," and little information is available regarding the genetic and cultural elements from which a child sprang. Most adoptees are the illegitimate offspring of persons totally unknown to the adopting couple. In time, these children often follow their biological family's tendencies.

In our case, we adopted two female infants for the reasons popular back in the 60s and 70s... in other words, for the wrong reasons. We were impacted on by the pap of sentimentality, Hallmark cards, baby booties, and so forth; and these told us that by adopting another couple's child, we could have "our baby."

This is a cruel misrepresentation of how adoption really works. By blindly adopting, we didn't "have our baby." We had another couple's baby. We set our hearts on "our" child's becoming "like" us.. like all the good characteristics, of which there were many, prevalent in our families. We showered the children with opportunities, beautiful birthday parties, love and attention, and there was nothing we would not do for these two much-loved children.

Because we had been fed sentimental reasons for adopting, we were heart-broken when these children turned, as if driven by genes, to behavior that was hurtful to the family. It took all our energy just to artificially plant some of the values and virtues long held dear throughout many generations of our kin.

As adoption in our country develops and changes, it is to be hoped that the emphasis will again be placed upon truth and realistic expectations. Today, the questions on the application forms are oriented toward the meanest of basics: nationality/race, eye color, and highest level of education attained. Given only this most elementary information, the most we can hope is that an adopted infant won't stand out at a family reunion. We cannot assume that the children we artificially bring into the family tree will be Fulbright Scholars ; we should be satisfied and thankful if the children have an average interest in learning.. an average interest in learning is a good thing, not an affliction.

So, with all this said, here is my recommendation in regard to reintroducing birth families (that is to say, the adoptee, both of the adoptee's biological parents, grandparents, and half-siblings.)...

In the case of an adoptee's having nearly miraculously taken as his own the ideals and the treasure troves of arts, educational opportunities, religion, and morals of his/her adopted family: Leave well enough alone. It can do nothing but harm to this child to be dipped into what could be a swill, or "the gutter," as some would say.

In the case of a child's having followed the genetic stream bed to less than excellent behaviors and tastes, by all means attempt to rejoin him/her to his/her roots. It might be the only way the child can come to terms with the vast differences between him/herself and the adoptive family. In recognizing herself in her biological family, she may be able to find the self-forgiveness necessary to becoming an adult who, having all the pieces of the puzzle, can recognize that all of humanity.. not just the adoptive family.. springs from a single fountainhead, a creation made in the image of God.

A last nugget of reality: Teens are not particularly "strong or brave to give their child to someone else, not knowing what will happen to their babies." Few adolescents today are motivated by selflessness and insight.. if they were, they would not have engaged in sexual relations in an anti-social manner in the first place. Teens, and many adult men and women, did what they wanted to do; and in relinquishing their parental rights, they also did what they wanted to do --- they took the path most likely to quickly return them to their milieu of friends, school, and dating. There may have been tears, but if those tears were closely examined, they would be found to be tears of despair at getting "caught" and having to deal with a pregnancy. The male parent will likely just retreat from the entire situation. The female will pine for awhile --- that is, after all, what's expected of her by her friends --- then she will just hope the next boyfriend won't find out that she has already had intercourse with another guy. Certainly, there are exceptions. There are women abandoned with no support from their husbands. There are girls who have been sexually abused. But, face it, for every victim of rape or incest, for every abandoned wife bereft of help, there are thousands of promiscuous individuals in America today, and for these adoption is the smooth road to living free again, and with little guilt.. in fact, with a halo of virtue casually awarded by an indulgent society.

[Rebecca]

Dear "Aunt Mama",

I found your post to be at best classist, elitist, and unforgiving. A little introspection would serve you well.

[sam]

1. Geniune love for children Although it may sound a bit unrealistic, there are many couples that adopt children due to their love for young ones. Their love for children is so compelling that they adopt children, irrespective of whether they have natural heirs or not.
2. A couple with two or more children of the same sex If a couple already has two boys, they may crave for a girl child or vice versa. With no control over the sex of a natural child, they fear trying again. But they find it much safer to go ahead and adopt a readymade child of the opposite sex. Some couples adopt children out of their specific choice of sex/gender of the child. They may even adopt two children of both the sexes and complete the family thus.
3. A couple with only one child Sometimes the 'only' child is a very lonely child. However, a couple, especially the mother, may not have the energy to go through the entire process of pregnancy and childbirth to pander to the needs of this only-lonely child. It seems much simpler to adopt a second child and complete the family.
4. A single person who wants to experience parenthood Miss Universe and film actress Sushmita Sen, is a 24 year-old single mother who recently adopted a child. As she puts it, - this little girl needed a mom and I needed a child.'' It can be as simple and beautiful as that. Not just celebrities, but also common people, who wish to remain single, adopt children, in order to experience the joys of parenthood.
5. To control the population Some people genuinely believe that the world does not need any more children. They feel for the children who do not have families and home. Therefore, they decide to adopt children from this overpopulated world. What a noble thought! It is one of the most touching ways of serving the social cause.
6. Thallasaemics Those suffering from thallasaemia or any other high-risk genetic problems or incurable diseases decide that it is safer to adopt a child than try for one.
7. For the joy without the labourYou may heard of this joke that adoption in a healthy couple is the height of laziness. If a couple can produce a child, then it is pointless to adopt, many feel. But on a more serious note, some women are genuinely scared of labour pains and the process of pregnancy. Or some women do not want to lose their figures after child birth. They adopt children and experience the joy of parenthood without the pain.
8. People involved in their careers Some couples do not have the time, energy or the inclination to go through the process of

[chris]

also if the birth mouther and father are to young

[Becky]

for one thing, i believe adoption is great. I'm having a child at a very very young age. Although I am a child myself I could never place my child with someone else. I don't know who I would be giving him/her too. I was adopted into an abusive family so adoption can either be good or bad.