Exploring Adoption

President Bush Supports Embryo Adoption

In a press release issued Tuesday, President Bush promoted embryo adoption as a life-affirming alternative. He met with 21 families who have adopted children as embryos to remind people (Congress, in particular) that human lives are destroyed when days-old embryos are used for stem cell research.

"The children here today remind us that there is no such thing as a spare embryo," Bush said. "Every embryo is unique and genetically complete, like every other human being. And each of us started out our life this way. These lives are not raw material to be exploited, but gifts."

Bush believes that embryo adoption provides an option for the survival and development of embryos frozen in fertility clinics, giving them a chance at life and giving infertile couples the opportunity to build a family.

The press release also made the following points:
Frozen Embryos Do Not Have To Be Destroyed In Research Or Discarded. There are alternatives to destroying or discarding embryos stored after fertility treatment. They can be donated for adoption to other couples through efforts like the Snowflakes Frozen Embryo Adoption program, which has connected donating families with adoptive families, resulting in the birth of 81 children to date with more on the way.

The President Supports Efforts To Increase Public Awareness Of Embryo Adoption. Administration officials have voiced support of embryo adoption and have worked to inform doctors and infertile couples of this option. In 2002, President Bush signed a bill granting $1 million per year for HHS grants to publicize embryo adoption programs.

Taxpayer Money Should Not Promote Research That Destroys Life. While the President's policy does not ban, limit, or restrict stem cell research of any kind, it does not provide federal funding for stem cell research that would require the destruction of human embryos.

Other Kinds Of Stem Cell Research Hold Great Promise Without Ethical Concerns. Stem cell research involving blood from umbilical cords or adult bone marrow has already led to medical advances and offers enormous potential for many more. Such research never requires the destruction of human life. In addition, researchers are exploring ways to obtain the same kind of cells now derived from embryos without harming or taking life.

New Adoption Blogs to Check Out

I've discovered a couple of adoption blogs that I want to alert you to. The first is written by an adult adopted person named Anne Parker. Anne says, "I'm in the process of writing a book about my adoption story. It's unique in that I didn't want to be "found," so after my birth-father sought me out, we maintained a long term correspondence, though he never knew my name. For eight years, I revealed my innermost thoughts to a faceless alcoholic serving time in a federal prison, until he gave up his battle with booze by committing suicide in 2001."

If you'd like to follow Anne's story, check out her blog at http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/.

The second blog is written by Heather, a mom-in-waiting. Heather writes, "My husband and I are in the process of adopting a gorgeous little one from Russia. Although, right now I am at a frustrating point in the paperwork and the recent negative article from abc.com on Russian adoption and that the country is considering a halt on International adoptions has me very anxious."  Heather is blogging her adoption experience, and her blog includes "a few random thoughts" about her family, as well.

Heather's blog is at http://from_the_desk.typepad.com/from_the_desk/.

Pros and Cons of Adoption Revisited

A while back, I posted a series of entries discussing the pros and cons of adoption (December 4, 6, 8 and 15, 2004). Those posts have proven to be the most well-read ones on my blog. Today I received a message from a student who is doing a school project/debate  -- she is taking the pro adoption stance and her partner is arguing against it.

However, the "pro" person can think of only three reasons to be "for" adoption:

• A woman is raped
• A woman is very poor
• A woman cannot care for her child

Let's help her out, folks. I know that all kinds of people read this blog -- adoptive parents, adopted people, birth parents and those just interested in the topic. Without getting into a battle over whether adoption is right or wrong, I invite you offer this young woman some suggestions, based on your own experience, about the pros and cons of adoption. Please post your comments below this entry.

For more adoption information, visit Laura's Web site: www.laurachristianson.com

Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss

I just received an email from Jennifer Saake, author of the newly published book, "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss" (NavPress, May 2005).

Although I've read only the first chapter of Jenni's book at her website, www.hannahshopebook.com/, I recommend it based on the interactions  I have had with Jenni over the past 10 years. Jenni and her husband founded Hannah's Prayer Ministries, Christian support for fertility challenges (including infertility, pregnancy loss, infant death and adoption). 

I recall interviewing Jenni years ago for a magazine article I was writing, and she was so gracious, open and honest about sharing her story -- especially the difficult parts.  For several years, I was involved with Ladies in Waiting (LIW), an infertility support group that is closely affiliated with Hannah's Prayer.  Julie Donahue, the former director of LIW, and Jennifer Saake of Hannah's Prayer were instrumental in supporting me when I was in the midst of my infertility battle, and they also encouraged me as I founded the Heartbeat Ministry for infertile couples and adoptive families.

I'm thrilled that Jenni's book is being published -- I know she's been hard at work on it for several years. I invite you to pick up her book. I believe that it will inspire and encourage anyone who's struggling with the difficult emotions that accompany infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss.

After I've had a chance to read it, I will include a review on my blog.

Grieving Birth Mom

I was touched by the comment that a birth mother posted after reading my previous entry (Birth Mother's Day - May 4, '05). Lydia, who is 23, gave birth to a girl January 19, 2004 and placed her for adoption.

During the past year and four months, Lydia has felt anger, grief and is just plain missing her daughter. She wishes she could see her daughter but visitations are not in the contract, and Lydia is sensitive to the possibility of confusing her child.

The feelings Lydia is having are perfectly normal. She is grieving over one of the the most difficult decisions she will ever make. She obviously loves her daughter, but she feels left out of the loop -- she doesn't know whether her daughter is healthy and happy and she can't predict how her daughter will process her feelings about adoption and about her birth mother as she grows.

The baby's adoptive parents probably think of Lydia often and give thanks every day for Lydia and for the beautiful gift that she has given them. They, in turn, likely wonder whether Lydia is healthy and happy. They may also be concerned about the possibility of establishing contact with Lydia. Can they trust Lydia to respect their parenting style and allow them to parent? Will Lydia's presence confuse their daughter? Will their daughter decide she likes Lydia better? Will Lydia wish she had decided to parent her daughter? Will Lydia morph into evil birth mom who steals her daughter back in the dead of night?

Like all adoptive parents, my husband and I had all the usual fears and misgivings about birth parents. So when we adopted our son, we did not disclose any identifying information, but sent letters and pictures back and forth, with our adoption agency serving as intermediary, for two years. During the 2-year letter writing spree, our son's birth mother and I forged a friendship. We learned to trust one another. And we mutually agreed that we wanted to open our adoption more.

After two years, I felt that if our son's birth mother trusted two complete strangers enough to relinquish her son to us to parent, I could trust her enough to reveal my last name.  I can't tell you what a blessing it has been to have our son's birth mom in our lives. She's been his biggest cheerleader, his source of unconditional love and hugs. She has never once attempted to take over the parenting role, but functions more like a favorite aunt who dotes on him.

As for our son being confused, it hasn't happened. He knows that his birth mom gave birth to him and chose us to be his parents. He loves being around her. He calls her by her first name and he calls us Mom and Dad.

People who say that open adoption is confusing for the child view openness as a threat to the type of family life they envision. But anyone who decides to adopt a child or to place a child for adoption thinks outside the box. They feel (somewhat) comfortable with alternative forms of family building. They take risks. They make hard choices. They understand that life is full of confusion, and that adoption, in and of itself, creates a whole array of confusing scenarios. But kids in open adoption aren't confused. For them, it's normal. I'm convinced that it's the parents who are confused.

My advice to Lydia is to write a letter to her daughter, expressing her love for her. And, if she has the opportunity, send that letter to her adoption professional and request that it be forwarded to her baby's family. Whether or not the adoptive parents decide to write back, I'll bet they'll be grateful to have a special letter to give to their daughter. I'll bet they'll treasure Lydia's letter forever.

I realize that openness in adoption doesn't work for everyone and I don't recommend that everyone pursue openness. In my particular situation, it works -- better than I ever dreamed possible. I'd love to hear from birth parents and adoptive parents who are forging relationships with one another. What are your fears? Your hopes and dreams? What works and doesn't work? How do you come to an agreement about what's best for your child?

Birth Mother's Day

May 8 is Mother's Day in the United States. However, May 7 is unofficially known as Birth Mother's Day.  This is a day when adoptive families can honor their child's birth mother. 

My son's birth mom has told me that Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for her. It brings back memories of what could have been, and also, the reality of what is. Last year, she and I celebrated Mother's Day together by treating one another to Sunday brunch at one of our favorite restaurants.

If there's a birth mother in your life, I encourage you to remember her this Saturday. Send her flowers or a card if you can, and remind your child of the special woman who brought him/her into the world and allowed the child to join your family.

If you're a birth mother and struggle with your feelings on Mother's Day, I encourage you to reach out and share your feelings with someone. Post a comment on this blog if it helps. Journal your thoughts. Ask a friend or a pastor to pray for you. Call the child you placed for adoption if you can. Allow yourself to express your feelings -- whatever they are -- and understand that women around the world share them.

Understand, also, how much the parents of the child you placed for adoption love and admire you, and wish you God's blessing this Birth Mother's Day and every day.

New Blog for Adoptive Dads

Women usually take the lead in investigating, researching and pursuing adoption. I don't have any scientific evidence to back this up; it's just a hunch based on interaction I've had with dozens of adoptive couples.

I think men are just as excited as women about pursuing adoption; they just have a different way of expressing themselves. A new blog, written by soon-to-be adoptive dad, Jack Bailey, is especially for men. Jack's blog gives men an arena (had to work in a sports analogy) to talk about issues concerning adoption, particularly China adoption. His blog, which is written from a Christian perspective, is a place where men can discuss with other men about whether adoption is right for them and about handling the emotions that accompany adoption. If necessary, Jack will even teach guys how to change a diaper! I'd like to read that entry!

You can visit Jack's blog at http://www.redthreaddads.blogspot.com/.

Fundraiser for Latvian Orphanage

A fellow blogger is working to raise $100,000 for a Christian orphanage in Latvia. John, the father of two children adopted from Russia, is the captain of Team Moose Tracks, a bicycling team that's riding in the Holland Hundred Bicycle Tour in Michigan on July 16.

The team, who has already raised $33,000, is riding to support The Sparrow's Nest, a nonprofit organization committed to meeting the needs of orphaned, abandoned and neglected children in the former Soviet Union.  The team is raising funds through pledges and through corporate/church sponsorships/donations.

On May 9, they'll match any pledges made at their web site and John says that his blog will explain how donors can get some cool Moose Tracks ice cream items in exchange for contributions. Sounds like a delicious deal that supports a good cause. To learn more, visit John's blog at www.teammoosetracks.com.

How to Advertise Your Adoption and/or Infertility Ministry

This the eleventh in a series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-7 are posted April 3, 5, 7, 11, 18, 24, 28, 29, 30 and May 1. Today, you’ll find some sample announcements that you can adapt to promote your ministry in fliers, newsletters, in the church bulletin or on your church’s website.

Sample announcement for adoption/infertility ministry kick-off:
Heartbeat Ministry: This new ministry nurtures and supports those facing infertility, as well as pre-adoptive and post-adoptive families. We provide information and resources, one-on-one encouragement, small focus groups, fun and fellowship. INSERT CONTACT INFO.

Sample announcement for adoption ministry kick-off:
Heartbeat Ministry is a new ministry that offers one-on-one and group encouragement for pre-adoptive and post-adoptive families. We’re looking for people interested in sharing their experiences or expertise in these areas. We’ll be kicking things off INSERT DATE with a five-week workshop called, “Exploring Adoption.” For more information about how you can serve or be served by this ministry, contact INSERT INFO.

Sample announcement for infertility ministry kick-off:
Are you struggling to conceive a baby? You’re not alone. Infertility effects one in every five couples. A new ministry seeks to surround couples facing fertility challenges with loving support. We provide one-on-one mentoring, resource materials, and small group fellowship. For more information, contact INSERT INFO.

Sample announcement for infertility workshop:
What happens when you’re unable to “be fruitful and multiply?” Does it mean that God has a different plan for you? How does the struggle to conceive or adopt a child affect your marriage? Your faith? At this workshop, you’ll meet singles and couples who have grappled with these issues. Some of the panelists now have children; others are still waiting. They’ll share their experiences, and they’ll suggest creative ways that you can become actively involved in the lives of children.

Sample announcement for Exploring Adoption workshop series:
Discover the joys and trials of the adoption process. We’ll discuss the Biblical foundations for adoption, fears and misconceptions surrounding adoption, how to prepare for adopting a child, what to do when adoption fails, and issues specific to international adoption, domestic healthy infant adoption, special needs adoption, and open vs. closed adoption. Guest speakers will provide additional insights at several of the sessions. Anyone with an interest in adoption is welcome. INSERT TIME, PLACE, CONTACT INFO.

Sample announcement for support groups:
Heartbeat Ministry: Focus groups will be starting periodically. Groups will include the following: Infertile Couples, Considering Adoption, Waiting for a Child (biological or adoptive), Post-adoption Issues, Adoptive Moms. Call INSERT CONTACT INFO to express your interest in joining one.

How to Start an Adoption and/or Infertility Ministry: Planning an Adoption Workshop

This the tenth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-7 are posted April 3, 5, 7, 11, 18, 24, 28, 29 and 30. Today, I’ll provide pointers on how to plan and facilitate an adoption workshop.

Guest speakers
We named our 7-week series of adoption workshops “Exploring Adoption.” Each week, we invited guest speakers to attend our two-hour weeknight evening workshop to share their experiences and expertise. Our guest speakers (all volunteers) are adoptive parents or adoption professionals.

The advantages of inviting adoption professionals
If you live in a large metropolitan area and have easy access to adoption professionals, they are almost always willing to speak at workshops. Although you can expect them to talk a bit about their agency/service, they come with the understanding that this is not a sales presentation, but an opportunity to acquaint people with adoption. The non-partisan setting gives prospective parents the opportunity to interact with adoption professionals in a small, intimate setting. Often, parents-to-be decide to engage the services of a particular agency based on the connection they make with an adoption professional at the workshop.

The advantages of inviting adoptive parents
I love it when adoptive parents share their experiences, because parents are so real. They’re not afraid to tell it like it is, and they feel a moral responsibility to acquaint people with the difficult parts of adoption as well as the joys. People considering adoption need to hear what it’s like from those who have “been there, done that.”

My husband and I and our sons’ respective birth parents did a presentation about open adoption five years ago. A few months ago, I ran into a woman who had attended that workshop while she and her husband were in the adoption process. She asked me how our sons’ birth parents were doing, calling them each by name. My mouth dropped open. “Wow! How did you remember their names?” I asked.

“Your talk made such a huge impression on us that I will never forget their names,” she replied. “It was because of that talk that we decided to pursue an open adoption.” (This couple went on to adopt twins and they have a fantastic relationship with their daughters’ birth mother).

Logistics
We hold the workshops in a classroom at our church and promote them in the flier that announces upcoming classes, and in the church bulletin and newsletter. Our workshops are free and open to the public. At least half the attendees do not attend our church. While we don’t evangelize people at our meetings, attendees understand that our group is Christ-centered. We open with prayer and close each meeting by giving people the opportunity to pray for one another, if they wish. While the workshops are presentation-based, we encourage discussion and interaction. Although we don’t require pre-registration, I think it’s a good idea, because it gives you a better idea of how many people to expect each week. We have anywhere from 5 to 35 people attend, depending on the topic.

Popular workshop topics

• The adoption home study – what to expect during the adoption process (adoption professional as guest speaker)
• International adoption – with a panel of parents who have adopted from different countries
• Domestic open adoption – with a birth parent panel
• Creative adoption financing
• Single parent adoption
• Myths and fears about adoption

Other great topics

• How to survive a disrupted or failed adoption
• Coming to terms with infertility before adopting
• Adopting after age 40
• Biblical foundations for adoption
• Internet resources for adoption
• Independent vs. agency adoption
• How to create a family profile or “Dear Birthparent” letter
• Legal aspects of adoption (an adoption attorney as guest speaker)
• Adopting sibling groups
• Interracial/transracial adoption
• Foster-to-adopt
• Adopting a waiting or special needs child
• Issues adoptive families face; how to talk about adoption with your child
• Using positive adoption language
• Internet resources for adoption
• Adoption medicine (pediatrician specializing in adoption medicine as guest speaker)

Workshop guidelines

• We will start and end meetings on time. We will call the facilitator if we can’t make it to a meeting. If we choose to leave the group, we will communicate that decision with the facilitator.
• We will be sensitive, affirm and love.
• We will stay on topic. The facilitator will guide us back if we get off topic.
• We will make every attempt to read suggested materials in preparation for the following meeting.
• We will maintain confidentiality. Everything that anyone in the group shares is confidential; it may not be shared with anyone else unless given explicit permission.
• We will make sharing optional.
• We will respect group members’ decision to remain childless or to pursue fertility treatment instead of adoption. For those who choose adoption, we will respect differences regarding the type of adoption intended (independent, agency, open, closed, etc.).
• We will pray for each other, both at group meetings and during personal prayer time throughout the week.

The evolution of adoption support groups
Various support groups have evolved from our Exploring Adoption workshops (see previous entry). One year, several single women attended the workshop series, and they formed a singles adopting support group. Their group met actively for at least two years, and they supported one another through a variety of adoption scenarios. All of them now have toddlers, and they meet periodically for play dates and family barbeques.

A group for people adopting internationally has also formed. Several of the families in that group have toddlers, but they also welcome those who are actively waiting to bring their child home. They enjoy potlucks and other family get-togethers.

Concluding thoughts
I recommend that one person or a team of adoptive parents plan and facilitate the workshops. A facilitator who attends each meeting helps create continuity and knows the sorts of questions to ask a guest speaker to keep things rolling.

A church-based workshop series also provides a wonderful opportunity to network with other local churches. If your church is small or you live in a small community, call other area churches and ask them to help organize the workshops and to invite members of their congregation to attend. Our church partners with two other area churches to plan the workshops. We’ve discovered that partnering allows us to locate a wider variety of people to serve as guest speakers. And when support groups spring up as a result of our workshops, they start not only at our church, but at other area churches.

The most rewarding aspect of being the facilitator of the Exploring Adoption workshops is watching people learn and grow. People who attended our first workshop series – who knew next to nothing about adoption – have gone on to adopt children and are now starting their own support groups or volunteering to lead workshops. None of us claim to “know it all.” We just want to give back…to help make the adoption adventure a little easier for the next person who travels that road.