Grieving Birth Mom

I was touched by the comment that a birth mother posted after reading my previous entry (Birth Mother's Day - May 4, '05). Lydia, who is 23, gave birth to a girl January 19, 2004 and placed her for adoption.

During the past year and four months, Lydia has felt anger, grief and is just plain missing her daughter. She wishes she could see her daughter but visitations are not in the contract, and Lydia is sensitive to the possibility of confusing her child.

The feelings Lydia is having are perfectly normal. She is grieving over one of the the most difficult decisions she will ever make. She obviously loves her daughter, but she feels left out of the loop -- she doesn't know whether her daughter is healthy and happy and she can't predict how her daughter will process her feelings about adoption and about her birth mother as she grows.

The baby's adoptive parents probably think of Lydia often and give thanks every day for Lydia and for the beautiful gift that she has given them. They, in turn, likely wonder whether Lydia is healthy and happy. They may also be concerned about the possibility of establishing contact with Lydia. Can they trust Lydia to respect their parenting style and allow them to parent? Will Lydia's presence confuse their daughter? Will their daughter decide she likes Lydia better? Will Lydia wish she had decided to parent her daughter? Will Lydia morph into evil birth mom who steals her daughter back in the dead of night?

Like all adoptive parents, my husband and I had all the usual fears and misgivings about birth parents. So when we adopted our son, we did not disclose any identifying information, but sent letters and pictures back and forth, with our adoption agency serving as intermediary, for two years. During the 2-year letter writing spree, our son's birth mother and I forged a friendship. We learned to trust one another. And we mutually agreed that we wanted to open our adoption more.

After two years, I felt that if our son's birth mother trusted two complete strangers enough to relinquish her son to us to parent, I could trust her enough to reveal my last name.  I can't tell you what a blessing it has been to have our son's birth mom in our lives. She's been his biggest cheerleader, his source of unconditional love and hugs. She has never once attempted to take over the parenting role, but functions more like a favorite aunt who dotes on him.

As for our son being confused, it hasn't happened. He knows that his birth mom gave birth to him and chose us to be his parents. He loves being around her. He calls her by her first name and he calls us Mom and Dad.

People who say that open adoption is confusing for the child view openness as a threat to the type of family life they envision. But anyone who decides to adopt a child or to place a child for adoption thinks outside the box. They feel (somewhat) comfortable with alternative forms of family building. They take risks. They make hard choices. They understand that life is full of confusion, and that adoption, in and of itself, creates a whole array of confusing scenarios. But kids in open adoption aren't confused. For them, it's normal. I'm convinced that it's the parents who are confused.

My advice to Lydia is to write a letter to her daughter, expressing her love for her. And, if she has the opportunity, send that letter to her adoption professional and request that it be forwarded to her baby's family. Whether or not the adoptive parents decide to write back, I'll bet they'll be grateful to have a special letter to give to their daughter. I'll bet they'll treasure Lydia's letter forever.

I realize that openness in adoption doesn't work for everyone and I don't recommend that everyone pursue openness. In my particular situation, it works -- better than I ever dreamed possible. I'd love to hear from birth parents and adoptive parents who are forging relationships with one another. What are your fears? Your hopes and dreams? What works and doesn't work? How do you come to an agreement about what's best for your child?

Comments

[Captain]

Laura --

Well said. It's a tough issue -- on both sides. I know it's something I still think about regularly -- where are our kids' birth parents? Are they o.k.? What's happening with them?

Since our children were adopted internationally, I don't know if we'll ever know the answers to these questions.

Captain

[dee*]

yes i agree thats great that you guyz are more
open like the other comment it will be hard to find the birth mother for me because i was adopted from paraguay yes i know im a child 13 but i still no about it i wonder what she looked like and if shes ok now? i wonder if shes healthy or if she died 2 years ago she was young 19 when she gave birth to twins and the father ran out. im thankful for her understand what she had to do but she didnt want us to see her...im still maybe hoping to make an attempt to see who she is i dont know right now but i think the relationship you have right now with the birthmother is great and wish i could of had the same. thank you

dee*

[want2bmommy]

My husband and I have been trying to adopt for four years now. Our hearts are breaking!
I just wanted to know if anyone out there is
having a difficult time having an adoption go through? I sure am. I have had three babies fall through in seven months. Mostly because towards the end of the pregnacy, the birthmothers request money from me. That is not legal for me to do. I am willing to help out with what the law allows, but I am not rich, nor would I dare break the law. Does anyone have an option? I have our name in at four adoption agencies, and they are draining us. We have everything we need. Home study, background and I stay at home. I can not hold a baby because my uterus is damaged. I need an angel to help us make our dreams come true. I guess we'll just keep praying! Thanks for listening. Shell