Why Infertility Isn't Discussed in Churches

This the fourth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries.
Part 1 (April 3) explains why we started Heartbeat Ministry.
Part 2 (April 5) explains the mission and goals of Heartbeat Ministry.
Part 3 (April 7) explains how to create a resource library for your ministry.
Today, I climb onto my soapbox and venture to the dark side. I’ll explain why those who experience fertility challenges are reluctant to discuss it at church.

Janna and Michael Larson (not their real names) had been trying to get pregnant for three years. They began submitting prayer requests to their church’s prayer chain, asking that others intercede for them as they weathered this difficult emotional crisis. The prayer chain coordinator deleted their requests, telling the Larsons that they “should leave it in God’s hands.”

The Larsons then approached their pastor and asked if they could start a support group for infertile couples. He responded, “We don’t need that type of group. So many people in our church are dying and getting divorced. Your problem is minor in comparison to theirs.”

Janna and Michael never brought up the subject again. In fact, they found a new church home shortly thereafter. Although the Larsons’ story sounds horrifying, it’s all too common. The church – the one place where infertile couples should be able to turn for comfort, support, and understanding, is the single worst offender when it comes to recognizing the validity of infertility as a spiritual crisis.

In his book, Life Strategies, Dr. Phillip McGraw writes, "In every church I have ever attended, the people with real problems hid them rather than seeking support, and those who didn't hide them wished that they had, after the doses of guilt, judgment, or alienation they received."

There are many secular infertility support groups, but the church’s role in supporting couples undergoing a fertility crisis is practically nonexistent. There are several reasons for this:

Some church leaders think it’s inappropriate to share about infertility struggles in a church setting. During worship services throughout the world, people share prayer requests. When a person requests prayer for upcoming surgery, they are prayed for, phoned, and brought meals. How many times have you heard someone requesting prayer for infertility treatment?

Some church leaders assume that people won’t be interested in receiving infertility support. When we began attending our church, I was amazed at the number of small groups and events that catered to moms. I was unable to find a group for women who wanted to be moms, but couldn’t. I was appalled that a church with 4,000+ members seemed to be ignoring the needs of hundreds of attenders. When I first began publicizing Heartbeat Ministry at my church, several people on the church staff balked. “Not enough people will be interested,” they told me. Years later, people on the staff continue to express amazement that nearly 200 people have been involved with this ministry.

People assume that if they ignore infertility, it’ll go away.  Here’s the reality: one in six Americans experience infertility. And as people put off having children until they’re in their late 30s or early 40s, infertility rates will continue to rise. Infertility is a medical condition that affects millions of people, many of whom silently carry their burden at church, afraid of receiving the dreaded advice, “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.”

News flash: Relaxing is a reliable technique for easing muscle aches, but it has not been proven to cure infertility!

For an infertile couple, their medical condition is every bit as relevant as another person’s knee surgery or diabetes. The church needs to begin recognizing and affirming infertility as a viable medical concern that requires prayer and encouragement.

The family-oriented nature of churches leaves infertile people feeling isolated.   When one infertile woman decided to attend her church’s women’s retreat, she asked to room with someone who wasn’t pregnant or hadn’t had a baby in the last year. The reply: “It will be difficult to find someone like that.”

While it’s great that churches are geared toward families, many of them go overboard in this respect and practically ignore singles and those who don’t have children. We need to strive to help all who walk through the doors of our churches welcome and accepted.

Religious leaders assume they know it all. When I proposed an article about how pastors can minister to infertile couples to the editor of a major Christian magazine, I received the following response: “Most of our readers can figure this out for themselves. The insensitive pastors, who would need such a piece, probably don’t read our magazine.”

We all learned in fifth grade that when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. I am acquainted with many pastors. My dad’s a pastor. My father-in-law is a pastor. Several of my good friends are pastors. And they are wonderful, sensitive people. But none of them has experienced infertility. When they want information about how to minister to infertile couples, they don’t just figure it out for themselves. They ask me, because they know I’m willing to talk about it. They read magazine articles. They research on the Internet. They pray. They understand their own limitations and they learn sensitivity so they can better practice sensitivity.

People at church are uncomfortable with the subject and don’t know what to say. People in general want to be sensitive to their infertile friends, but they feel as if they’re walking on eggshells around them. They’re afraid that if they say something, it will be the wrong thing, and they will offend. So they remain silent. When one couple tentatively mentioned their struggle with infertility to their pastor, he smiled awkwardly, then said, “Why don’t you just try to Petri dish?” The couple sensed their pastor’s discomfort with the subject and ended the conversation. The pastor never mentioned their infertility again. When infertility isn’t discussed, it takes on a mysterious, secretive air. No one knows how to deal with infertility, so we avoid the subject altogether.

The Bible casts a negative stigma on barrenness. This is perhaps the single most difficult reason infertility isn’t discussed more often in the church. The shame that Old Testament heroes such as Abraham and Sarah felt at their inability to conceive is mirrored by 21^st century couples, as well. In my next entry in this series, we’ll look more closely at some Bible passages that well-meaning people use to encourage infertile people.