Exploring Adoption

Guidelines for Group Sharing Based on the Quaker Model of Careful Listening

This the ninth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-7 are posted April 3, 5, 7, 11, 18, 24, 28 and 29.

Today, I share guidelines that I’ve adapted and used for many types of groups – they work great for just about any kind of small group.

I strongly recommend appointing a facilitator for your group who will monitor the clock and ensure that everyone receives an equal opportunity to share, and who will steer participants back on subject when they begin to “bird walk.”

• The major activity of any small group sharing is grateful listening. Allow each person to finish his/her story. Please do not interrupt.
• Speak of your own experience, wants, needs, desires, feelings. Avoid rescuing, problem solving, debating, offering advice, or feeling responsible for alleviating someone else’s pain.
• Every person is an expert on his/her own experience.
• After everyone who wishes to has had a chance to share, you may share a second time. Often, insights into your own experience will be gleaned through the sharing of others.
• It is always okay to let the group know that you wish to pass. Silence speaks to us.
• Listen empathetically. Use your nonverbal skills to communicate caring and concern. Do not ask a lot of questions of another person when he/she is sharing.
• Remember . . .everything that is shared in our group is confidential. Please respect each other’s privacy and leave shared information in this room.

How to Start an Adoption and/or Infertility Ministry: Forming Support Groups

This the eighth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-7 are posted April 3, 5, 7, 11, 18, 24 and 28.

After hosting an infertility seminar and an infertility workshop at our church’s parenting conference, we decided to form a fertility challenges support group. Several people who attended the seminars expressed the desire for ongoing support. They preferred the warmth and anonymity of meeting in a home, and one of our couples volunteered to host the group at their home.

Meeting as couples
Although many infertility support groups are for women only, we decided to establish a couples group. We opened the group to the public, and couples from several churches attended. One of our couples came from a church in which assisted reproductive technology was frowned upon. They didn’t feel safe at their own church sharing the fact that they were receiving medical treatment for infertility, but they did appreciate the nonjudgmental fellowship with the Christians in our group.

Several of the men were reticent to speak during the first few meetings, but they began sharing openly as time went on. Our group elected to be a “closed” group; once the core group was established, we did not invite new members. We met once a month for a year and a half.

The group’s structure
Our meetings lasted for about two hours and began with socializing (cookies and beverages are a must) and updating. Everyone had the option to share their experiences/feelings or to “pass.” Typical topics of discussion included tests and treatment, issues such as dealing with extended family members and co-workers in regards to infertility, and sharing about how you, as a couple, were handling things.

After our updates, the group’s facilitator led a short devotional – usually focused on someone from the Bible who experienced fertility challenges. We then shared prayer requests and prayed for one another (again, everyone had the option to pray out loud or to listen).

The group’s covenant
When our group formed, we set up guidelines or a covenant. We agreed that everything said during our meetings would be kept confidential. We agreed to do no clinic or doctor bashing/praising during the meetings. The understanding was that another person may have had a totally different experience with the same doctor or clinic and we didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings or to endorse one particular practice.

During our sharing time, we used the Quaker Model of Careful Listening, which I’ll explain in the next entry.

The pros and cons of an infertility support group
Infertility support groups are joyous and painful at the same time. Inevitably, someone in the group gets pregnant or decides to adopt. And while the participants rejoice in one couple’s success, it’s also a painful reminder of their own struggle. Couples who become pregnant or who decide to adopt feel uncomfortable attending the group. Highly sensitive to the feelings of their fellow participants, they usually bow out of the group.

While the bonds formed among members of a fertility challenges support group are strong, the group members also realize that the group will be a temporary one, intended to fulfill a specific need during one of life’s crises.

How to Start an Adoption and/or Infertility Ministry: Hosting an Infertility Seminar

This the seventh in a series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-3 (April 3, 5 & 7) explain how Heartbeat Ministry started, its mission and goals, and how we created a library of resources. Parts 4 and 5 (April 11 & 18) detail why infertility, in particular, is discussed so rarely in churches. On April 24, I listed ideas for how to recruit volunteers. Today I’ll share the results of our first event – an infertility seminar.

It was 9 a.m. on a Saturday. The 10 volunteer guest speakers for our first infertility seminar milled around the room, waiting anxiously for the participants to arrive. A young couple poked their heads through the open door. Spotting them, one of our volunteers sprinted over and vigorously shook their hands. “Hi, I’m Greg and I’m infertile,” he announced.

The young couple’s mouths dropped open and stayed open.

Greg, ever the practical joker, burst into laughter. “I’ve always wanted to say that!”

The couple recovered quickly, and a new friendship was born.

Later, the couple confided that they almost hadn’t attended the seminar because they were fearful that it would resemble an AA meeting – that someone would stride up to them and say, “Hi, I’m so and so and I’m infertile.”

The infertility seminar wasn’t what you’d call a rousing success, numbers-wise. I think there were more volunteers than participants. But that’s okay. Because hosting that seminar represented our first effort at talking openly about infertility issues in our church. We shared our stories – many of us, for the first time – and we learned from a fertility specialist. We prayed together, exchanged addresses and phone numbers, and most importantly, we discovered that there are others in the church just like us. Others with the same struggles and the same dreams for creating a family. That day, we became a family.

It has been seven years since that seminar, but the people who were brave enough to attend have remained a part of one another’s lives. Whenever we see each other, we remember. We remember that someone cared.

How to Start an Adoption and/or Infertility Ministry: Recruiting Volunteers

This the sixth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-3 (April 3, 5 & 7) explain how Heartbeat Ministry started, its mission and goals, and how we created a library of resources. Parts 4 and 5 (April 11 & 18) detail why infertility, in particular, is discussed so rarely in churches. Today I’ll give you some ideas for how to recruit volunteers for your infertility/adoption ministry.

Infertility has a devastating impact on the lives of those who yearn for a child but are unable to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. Infertile couples in the church feel pulled two directions: they’re angry at what seems to be God’s silence and disappointed that He seems passive when they need Him most. Yet they’re also driven towards Him, reaching for the comfort that only He can give, wanting to believe that He loves them and is in control of the circumstances of their lives. It’s imperative that the church is a “safe” outlet where infertile people feel accepted and understood.

The Heartbeat Ministry includes both infertile couples and people who want to adopt. Not all infertile couples go on to adopt, and not all adoptive parents are infertile, but we felt that there are enough people who move between the two camps to make having a combined ministry worthwhile.

Step 1: Share Your Journey Publicly
After creating our book lists and resource library, we were ready to start looking for people to participate in the ministry. But as I pointed out in the previous two entries in this series, infertile people are not exactly anxious to announce their status. So I did a crazy thing. I volunteered to share my own journey through infertility and adoption in front of the congregation during the Sunday service. Let me rephrase: our church has five services, each with around 1,000 people in attendance. Plus a radio broadcast. So, essentially, I volunteered to announce my infertility to the world. Talk about scary. Especially for an introvert like me. But God has taught me that when I trust Him, He will work in ways I never imagined possible. During that two-minute (times five) spiel in front of the congregation, God gave me boldness and the courage to put my faith in action and to joyfully serve Him.

Step 2: Advertise Your Group's Existence
Within two months, 50 people volunteered to become involved with the Heartbeat Ministry. My recruitment methods weren’t the most conventional. One woman volunteered after I backed into her car in the church parking lot (unintentionally, of course). When I contacted her to pay the $900 damage I’d done to her bumper, I learned she was a social worker in the perinatal unit of a local medical center. Another family who’d heard my talk at church volunteered when I met them at the concession stand of a professional baseball game. Most of our volunteers are people who fought their battles with infertility or adoption in silence, but wanted to let others know that they aren’t alone and that people do understand.

Step 3: Match With Mentors
Our volunteers serve as mentors for others. If a couple is investigating in vitro fertilization, for instance, we match them up with at least one other couple who has gone through the process. We do the same for people who plan to adopt. If a family is considering adopting a child from Korea, we match them up with a family who has adopted from Korea. Our goal is to provide mentors who represent the gamut of fertility treatments and adoption methods. We also rely on the expertise of volunteer health professionals, social workers and adoption attorneys.

Mentors and the people they care for mutually agree on the type of relationship they want. Sometimes, a few phone calls suffice. Others form long-term friendships or start a support group. We haven’t yet established formal training sessions for mentors; we rely on the fact that a mentor’s experience with the physical, emotional and financial ups and downs of infertility and/or adoption equips them to be sensitive to the needs of others in the same situation.

Infertility Costs

There's an interesting article in today's Cincinnati Enquirer called "$10,000 babies." The article, by Tim Bonfield, introduces couples who go to extremes to pay for fertility treatment:

• The woman who loved her job, but elected to change jobs because her new employer offered fertility benefits.
• The couples who go to Mexico, Canada or Europe for fertility drugs, and those who trade medications over the Internet with other infertile couples.
• Those who take out huge loans or borrow against their credit cards.

Some of the stats that Bonfield mentions in his article include:

• An estimated 6 million couples per year -- 10 percent of all married people, experience fertility challenges.
• Success rates for first-time in-vitro fertilization (IVF) are going up. Ten years ago, the success rates were 20 percent; now they are 50 percent in women younger than 35.
• Since 1978, when the first "test tube baby" was born in England, over 250,000 children have been born in the United States as a result of fertility treatment.
• Most states do not require health insurers to offer infertility coverage. Only 15 states require at least some fertility coverage (with many restrictions attached).
• Insurers assert that infertility benefits are not medically necessary, saying that offering full benefits would drive up insurance costs for everyone. A spokesman for one insurance company estimated that providing such benefits would increase costs for all employers by 2-3 percent.
• Many employers cover adoption costs but not fertility treatment.

Barrenness in the Bible

This the fifth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries.
Part 1 (April 3) explains why we started Heartbeat Ministry.
Part 2 (April 5) explains the mission and goals of Heartbeat Ministry.
Part 3 (April 7) explains how to create a resource library for your ministry.
Part 4 (April 11) explains why those who experience fertility challenges are reluctant to discuss it at church.

Today, we take a closer look at some oft-quoted Bible passages that compound feelings of guilt, inadequacy and disillusionment in infertile people.

You have a Christian friend who’s infertile. You want to encourage her, so you pull out your Bible. You vaguely recall that several people in the Bible were “barren,” and they all ended up being blessed with children. You decide to quote these passages to your friend.

Stop! Before you say anything, become familiar with the following “Biblical” advice that is often given to infertile people by their well-meaning friends:

If you have enough faith, God will grant you a child. This not-so-helpful suggestion is rooted in God’s promise in Genesis 12 that Abraham and Sarah – even though they were 100 and 91 years old, would give birth to a son. Romans 4:20 tells us that Abraham “did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God,” but was “fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”

When Christians are unable to “be fruitful and multiply,” does that mean their faith is weak? Has God chosen not to bless them for some reason?

God’s promise to Abraham and Sarah was not intended to apply to every married couple thoughout history. In Genesis, God makes a specific promise to one couple, telling Abraham that all people on earth will be blessed through him. Nowhere does the text state or imply that all infertile people will be rewarded with children, just because their faith is strong.

You must have some unconfessed sin in your life. OR God must be punishing you for the sins of your youth. Arrrrgggh! Do I speak for all infertile people here? If God was punishing us for our sins, would anyone have children?

When we want to encourage our infertile friends, why not choose a more appropriate passage, such as Hebrews 4:16, where the writer tells us: “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

I will pray that God will open your womb. In Genesis, Jacob is tricked into marrying Rachel’s older sister, Leah, but he does not love Leah as much as he loves Rachel. Genesis 29:31 says, “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.”

Rachel, intensely jealous of her sister, begs Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!” (Most infertile women can relate to her statement).

Jacob becomes angry with her and says, “Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?”

Later in the passage, “God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb.”

This is where the comment about God opening the womb originates, and also, the belief that opening the womb must be tied to confessed sin, forgiveness, and a close walk with God. Often, there is a big difference between what the Bible teaches and what it reports. The writer of Genesis reports that God opened Rachel’s womb; the writer does not teach that God will open the womb of every infertile woman. The Bible presents a much bigger picture in this story – one that includes the whole future of the nation of Israel and their migration to Egypt through the leadership of Rachel’s son, Joseph.

Instead of telling an infertile friend that God can open her womb, just pray with her instead. Walk alongside your friend and together, lay your heartache before the Lord and allow Him to work in His mysterious way.

Try not to wield Scripture as a magic wand that will make problems disappear. Use it with care and you’ll discover that it will equip you with the encouragement you need to face those problems.

Next: How you can help people connect with others who are experiencing fertility challenges or who are considering adoption.

A Surrogate Mother -- of Five!

An article in The Washington Post tells the story of Teresa Anderson, a 25-year-old surrogate who is carrying quintuplets (all boys, no less!), for an infertile couple in Gilbert, Arizona.

In an intriguing twist, Anderson, a married nursing student, previously gave birth to four children, two of whom she placed for adoption when she was a teenager.

When the five embryos were implanted in Anderson's uterus, she was told that there was a 1-in-3 chance that one would develop into a healthy fetus. Surprise!

Both the surrogate mother and the biological mother say they don't remember being warned that fertility treatments could result in multiple births and serious health concerns.  Hmmmm. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that one out. Especially when the American Society for Reproductive Medicine's guidelines recommend that no more than two embryos should be implanted in patients younger than 35.

I understand a parent's desire to implant multiple embryos, whether or not you're using a surrogate. And I am well aware of the costs involved each time embryos are implanted. This couple experienced nine years of infertility before deciding on surrogacy. I'm sure they faced year after year of agonizing decision-making.

But ignoring the potential risks doesn't make sense to me. In this case, five embryos were implanted; five babies are due to be born. The parents, who took out a second mortgage on their home to cover the fertility treatments, now face the very real possibility of multiple surgeries for at least one of their babies, plus the costs of raising quintuplets.

Why do fertility specialists allow parents to take such risks? Where are the regulations that protect parents from themselves -- from endangering themselves and their child(ren)?

More Resources for Adopting Children with Down Syndrome

What is Down syndrome?
Down syndrome is one of the most common genetic conditions, affecting approximately one in every 800-1,000 children. It is caused by the presence of an extra copy of chromosome 21 and is also referred to as trisomy 21. The additional genetic material alters the course of development and results in certain kinds of birth defects, as well as developmental delays in motor skills, language and other areas of learning. Most of the birth defects can be corrected with surgery. There is a broad range of mental abilities, behavior and physical development in Down syndrome. Individuals with Down syndrome benefit greatly from early developmental intervention, special education and a specific plan of medical care.

Source: Down Syndrome Center, Department of Pediatrics, Washington University, St. Louis, MO.

Thanks to Monica, an adoptive mom to a child with Down syndrome, who recommended the following links:

Yahoo group for families looking to adopt or who have adopted children with Down syndrome. Issues discussed are the adoption process, health concerns, special services and personal stories, information on waiting children and children available for adoption. The group has 131 members.
To subscribe: down_syndrome_adoption-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Trisomy 21 Online Community. This discussion forum is for all those who are touched by the adoption of a child with Trisomy 21. It is meant to be a place for birthparents, adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents to share information and support.  There is a Down syndrome adoption board at this site. It is not a very active board but they’d love to get some new activity.

Down Syndrome Research Foundation, Burnaby, BC, Canada. Empowers people with Down syndrome to achieve their potential, lead independent and fulfilled lives, and participate fully in the communities in which they live. Offers educational and training programs, disseminates information and research results, provides clinical support services, collaborates with other resource centres and community service providers, and raises funds to support a broad spectrum of research projects.

Check out my other blogs about adopting children with Down syndrome: April 8, 2005 and February 27, 2005.

Heritage Tours for Adopted Children

The new big thing in adoption is the “adoption vacation,” otherwise known as “heritage tours” or “travel experiences” for families with internationally born children. While children adopted internationally have been visiting their homelands for years, there are now companies that specialize in organizing trips for families who seek to help their children establish a deeper connection to their birth country.

A couple of informative articles by Ellen Creager and Craig Porter, of Knight Ridder Newspapers, describe the tours.

What is an adoption vacation? It’s much more than a sightseeing tour. It’s a journey of discovery; an identity-building trip. The focus of the tour is on exploring your cultural history and heritage, traveling with fellow adoptive families and visiting orphanages, pre-adoptive caregivers, and perhaps even birth parents.

According to Becca Piper, who founded Adoptive Family Travel (800-398-3676) in Wisconsin, most trips cost between $3,000 and $5,000 per person for a two-week tour, depending on the country, and are booked a year in advance. Her company currently offers journeys to Korea,  China, India, Chile, Peru, Paraguay, Guatemala, Romania, and Vietnam. 

Families with children as young as 8 years old go on the trips. Piper’s company organizes all the logistics of the vacation, including hotels, flights and in-country travel.

If you are considering booking a heritage tour, ask the company whether they have experience handling adoption-specific travel needs, whether they provide counseling to help children grapple with the emotional issues that will come to light during and after the trip, and whether the have firsthand knowledge of the country’s culture.

Several companies offer tours for adopted children. Here are a few:

Lotus Travel, 800-956-8873. Arranges tours to China and Southeast Asia.

Holt International , 541-687-2202. The first agency to establish tours back to birth countries, Holt offers tours to Korea, China, India, Philippines, Thailand and Vietnam.

Journeys of the Heart Adoption Services, 503.681.3075. Offers tours to China.

Children’s Home Society & Family Services. Offers tours to Korea.

Why Infertility Isn't Discussed in Churches

This the fourth in a series about adoption and infertility ministries.
Part 1 (April 3) explains why we started Heartbeat Ministry.
Part 2 (April 5) explains the mission and goals of Heartbeat Ministry.
Part 3 (April 7) explains how to create a resource library for your ministry.
Today, I climb onto my soapbox and venture to the dark side. I’ll explain why those who experience fertility challenges are reluctant to discuss it at church.

Janna and Michael Larson (not their real names) had been trying to get pregnant for three years. They began submitting prayer requests to their church’s prayer chain, asking that others intercede for them as they weathered this difficult emotional crisis. The prayer chain coordinator deleted their requests, telling the Larsons that they “should leave it in God’s hands.”

The Larsons then approached their pastor and asked if they could start a support group for infertile couples. He responded, “We don’t need that type of group. So many people in our church are dying and getting divorced. Your problem is minor in comparison to theirs.”

Janna and Michael never brought up the subject again. In fact, they found a new church home shortly thereafter. Although the Larsons’ story sounds horrifying, it’s all too common. The church – the one place where infertile couples should be able to turn for comfort, support, and understanding, is the single worst offender when it comes to recognizing the validity of infertility as a spiritual crisis.

In his book, Life Strategies, Dr. Phillip McGraw writes, "In every church I have ever attended, the people with real problems hid them rather than seeking support, and those who didn't hide them wished that they had, after the doses of guilt, judgment, or alienation they received."

There are many secular infertility support groups, but the church’s role in supporting couples undergoing a fertility crisis is practically nonexistent. There are several reasons for this:

Some church leaders think it’s inappropriate to share about infertility struggles in a church setting. During worship services throughout the world, people share prayer requests. When a person requests prayer for upcoming surgery, they are prayed for, phoned, and brought meals. How many times have you heard someone requesting prayer for infertility treatment?

Some church leaders assume that people won’t be interested in receiving infertility support. When we began attending our church, I was amazed at the number of small groups and events that catered to moms. I was unable to find a group for women who wanted to be moms, but couldn’t. I was appalled that a church with 4,000+ members seemed to be ignoring the needs of hundreds of attenders. When I first began publicizing Heartbeat Ministry at my church, several people on the church staff balked. “Not enough people will be interested,” they told me. Years later, people on the staff continue to express amazement that nearly 200 people have been involved with this ministry.

People assume that if they ignore infertility, it’ll go away.  Here’s the reality: one in six Americans experience infertility. And as people put off having children until they’re in their late 30s or early 40s, infertility rates will continue to rise. Infertility is a medical condition that affects millions of people, many of whom silently carry their burden at church, afraid of receiving the dreaded advice, “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.”

News flash: Relaxing is a reliable technique for easing muscle aches, but it has not been proven to cure infertility!

For an infertile couple, their medical condition is every bit as relevant as another person’s knee surgery or diabetes. The church needs to begin recognizing and affirming infertility as a viable medical concern that requires prayer and encouragement.

The family-oriented nature of churches leaves infertile people feeling isolated.   When one infertile woman decided to attend her church’s women’s retreat, she asked to room with someone who wasn’t pregnant or hadn’t had a baby in the last year. The reply: “It will be difficult to find someone like that.”

While it’s great that churches are geared toward families, many of them go overboard in this respect and practically ignore singles and those who don’t have children. We need to strive to help all who walk through the doors of our churches welcome and accepted.

Religious leaders assume they know it all. When I proposed an article about how pastors can minister to infertile couples to the editor of a major Christian magazine, I received the following response: “Most of our readers can figure this out for themselves. The insensitive pastors, who would need such a piece, probably don’t read our magazine.”

We all learned in fifth grade that when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. I am acquainted with many pastors. My dad’s a pastor. My father-in-law is a pastor. Several of my good friends are pastors. And they are wonderful, sensitive people. But none of them has experienced infertility. When they want information about how to minister to infertile couples, they don’t just figure it out for themselves. They ask me, because they know I’m willing to talk about it. They read magazine articles. They research on the Internet. They pray. They understand their own limitations and they learn sensitivity so they can better practice sensitivity.

People at church are uncomfortable with the subject and don’t know what to say. People in general want to be sensitive to their infertile friends, but they feel as if they’re walking on eggshells around them. They’re afraid that if they say something, it will be the wrong thing, and they will offend. So they remain silent. When one couple tentatively mentioned their struggle with infertility to their pastor, he smiled awkwardly, then said, “Why don’t you just try to Petri dish?” The couple sensed their pastor’s discomfort with the subject and ended the conversation. The pastor never mentioned their infertility again. When infertility isn’t discussed, it takes on a mysterious, secretive air. No one knows how to deal with infertility, so we avoid the subject altogether.

The Bible casts a negative stigma on barrenness. This is perhaps the single most difficult reason infertility isn’t discussed more often in the church. The shame that Old Testament heroes such as Abraham and Sarah felt at their inability to conceive is mirrored by 21^st century couples, as well. In my next entry in this series, we’ll look more closely at some Bible passages that well-meaning people use to encourage infertile people.