What Happens When Birth Parents Want Their Child Back?

The worst fear of every parent who adopts domestically is that a birth parent will decide he or she wants the child back. That’s exactly what happened in two custody battles that culminated Friday in two very different outcomes.

The first case involved a Florida boy, now 3 ½, whose birth mother placed him for adoption in May 2001, when he was two days old. A month before the adoption was supposed to be finalized, the boy’s biological father filed a motion demanding custody. At that time, the judge informed the adoptive parents that the birth father would likely gain custody.

The birth mother supported the adoption until it appeared the court might grant the birth father’s request for custody. In late December 2004, the birth mother was awarded custody (she lives in Illinois, is married to someone else and has an infant daughter) and the birth father was given liberal visitation rights. The adoptive parents appealed the ruling but the court took no action, so today, the little boy went to live with his biological mother.

The second case mirrors the first one: a birth mother made an adoption plan and placed her son with a Colorado couple when he was 3 days old. The boy is now 21 months old. Somewhere along the line (I don’t have the details but I assume it must have been fairly soon after the boy was born), the birthmother changed her mind and won rulings from judges in Missouri (her home state) and Colorado that her son be returned to her. The Colorado Supreme Court intervened and said that a District judge needed to decide what was in the “best interests” of the child in determining custody.

Wonder of wonders, the birth mother and adoptive parents agreed privately that the boy’s adoptive parents should continue their role as parents and his birth mother will move to Colorado to be near him and involved in critical decisions as he grows up. “He has three people who absolutely love him so much that they’d be willing to do anything,” said the boy’s biological mother.

A few reflections:

Adoptive parents tend to live in denial. We yearn long and hard for a child. When it appears that we’re finally being given the opportunity to adopt one, we’re prepared to move mountains to assure that happens. Sometimes, that means ignoring the obvious. When biological parents challenge the adoption early on, we continue parenting “our” child in the desperate hope that the court system will miraculously change and grant us custody. After all, we’ve already jumped through so many hoops to bring “our” beloved child home. We are convinced that we will be better parents than the birth parents, and that once the child comes to live in our home, he is ours, period. Our emotions and our love for the child overcome our common sense.

History proves that adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents. It doesn’t matter whether the adoptive parents believe they're better parents. It doesn’t matter what’s in “the best interests” of the child. It doesn’t matter whether the birth mother decides she needs to parent her child because she hates the birth father and can’t stand the thought of him regaining custody. It doesn’t matter whether the birth parents acted as if they could care less about their child when he was born, and suddenly, they decide they love him dearly. Adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents.

No matter how heart-wrenching it would be to return the child to his birth parents at the first sign of a court challenge, I believe it is in the best interest of the child to do so. I often hear about adoptive parents who are embroiled in court battles for years in the desperate hope that they’ll be able to retain custody of their child. And it rarely happens. Everyone ends up heartbroken, especially the child who is ripped from the only home he has known. The media, of course, makes a big splash about the event, and fears about adoption continue to be perpetuated.

These scenarios remind me of the Bible story from 1 Kings 3:16-28, in which two prostitutes testify before King Solomon. The two women give birth (in the same house) within three days of one another. During the night one of the newborns dies. The mother of the dead baby switches the two babies, but in the morning, the other mother recognizes that the dead baby isn’t hers. The two women argue before King Solomon about whose baby is whose. He asks for a sword and orders that the baby be cut in two. “Give half to one and half to the other,” he proclaims.

While the woman whose son died is content to see the baby cut in two, the woman whose son is alive has compassion for her son and cries out, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”

While I certainly don’t advocate cutting a child in half in order to resolve a custody battle, that’s often what happens to a child, figuratively speaking. I’m so grateful for the parents who truly did consider the best interests of their child and decided to implement what is essentially an open adoption. The adoptive parents and birth mother put selfishness aside and let love and compassion guide them.

Comments

[Niki Alvey]

I agree with all your reflections. I too am reminded of King Solomon every time I hear a case like the Evan Scott case.

There is another detail you may not know about -- evan's biological father physically assulted his biological mother. She learned she was pregnant when she was treated at the hospital. I am sure that was another huge reason the Scott's didn't want to "give him back." I wouldn't even though like you said it was inevitable he would get custody eventually.

What a sad sad story.

[Anne]

FINALLY!! Some common sense on "challenged" adoption. Here in Alabama, we have the sad case of "Baby Sam," in which birth parents challenged the adoption DAYS after birth, but adoptive parents strung it out over years, evoking public sympathies. Infant adoption is almost always a case where potential adoptive parents are in a socially advantageous position over prospective birth parents, with more resources to fight for what they think is "theirs." Yes, it is very often denial.

"Best interest of the child...." hmmmm..... this is tossed around a LOT by advocates and it should be. I'm an average mom. Sometimes I lose my temper, there are plenty of people out there who would love to adopt and have more money for better schools, sporting and musical opportunities for children.... would it be in the best interest of any babies in my womb to go live with THEM? Hmmm....

[Kim]

I am the adoptive mother of a wonderful little boy adopted at 2 days old. The birthparents decided they wanted him back after more than 4 months. Thankfully, after a short court battle, the courts ruled in our favor and he remained with us. Although there are undoubtedly times when a return to the birthparent is the right choice, it is not always in the best interest of the child to be given back to the birthparents. Just because a birthparent changes their mind doesn't mean the baby should be returned to them. Is it better to return the child to a mother who can't make up her mind whether or not she actually wants him? I don't think so. What's in the best interest of the child has nothing to do with the financial advantages of the adoptive parents it has to do with love, nurturing and stability which the birthparents in their current situation were unable to give to the child. My husband and I were the only parents my son had known and to be taken away from us at that stage would be forever damaging to him. What's more, the birthparents have since told us that they felt adoption was the right decision after all. So, please consider the many diffent factors before automatically claiming children should always be returned to the birthparents.

[pamella]

can you please tell me if the birth parents should change their minds about their children who has already placed with the adoptive family .please help me by giving me som,e reasons about what you think.thank you

[Vicki]

Hi,
I am a mother of two boys who I lost to CAS. I was young and in a bad relationship. I was going to be getting my children back so they told me, But that did not happen. My boys went up for a doption I was in deress at the time and very nieve. I was not told what would happen if my boys went up for a doption. I was not told I wouls never see then again. I was not told that if i wanted to go to the last court case I could to stop the adoption if I wanted to the CAS just told me I did not need to be their. My oldest is 9 years now and the other one is 7 years old. Have them up for daoption is not want I wanted. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them I still cry for them I am still very upset at the way the CAS went about the whole thing. They played on my weekness and emotions to get what they wanted. I just want my boys back. If not that then atlest to know their doing good. I love then and miss them. Now I have another boy how is 17 months and I am with a guy how is great with both me and his son. I am also sad for son to not know his other siblings.
Thank you
Vicki

[christine]

I am a birthmom that has changed her mind. My son is now 3 and a half I have been fighting for him for almost a yr. His father fought for the first yr. The adoptive parents have put our family though the ringer. My sons name is cody but they refuse to call him that. I have my son for a total of 49 waking hours a week with one over night. He has two full sisters which i care for. I am not a bad mom nor can they prove it. In our case it is going to best intrest. Which sucks because they make alot more money then i do. And with what i have read on best intrest i think they will win. What would you do in my shoes i want what is best for him and i believe in my heart that it is to be home with myself his father and sisters.

[brittany]

i am a teen age mother who is thinking of giving my baby up for adoption. it has made me vary upset reading some of these comments do to what all you are saying. i want to know if any of you have had a baby your self? if you have not then i dont think that you have the same feelings that we birth moms have. the reason i want to put my baby up for adoption is because i am still trying to grow up my self BUT i want the best for my unborn child. if i do decide to give my baby up for adoption i will want it to where my baby knows that i am its birth mother, and that i did this so it could have a nice loveing home and famly,and a great education, ect. i would also want some vesitation rights. some of you might not like what i am saying but put your self in my shoes my boyfriend is working and only seeing me and our unborn baby (who he loves more than life its self) 4 times a month because i am going to school and trying to go to night school and trying to keep my job. for a 16 year old mom who is trying to do all that so she can provide for her unborn child i think you guys should give us birth moms a little more credit. and not to offend anyone but if it wasnt for us birth moms who would give some of you your children that you love? and that we still love as well. i apolagize for any thing that i may have said to offend any one but this is how i see things nd feel.just put your self in our situation were you have to decide to give up your parental rights and have a sertant time to change your mind. that is a thing that we made not you.

thank you for reading my comment
-brittany-

[KAT]

Hi,
I'm Doing a school report on Birth parents wanting to get back there adopted child and i would just like to ask...why? If you're ready to have sex then you should be ready for the things that come with it. Yes I do understand that some of you are hurting because you're so young, but you are the one who made the action and you are the one you put your child up for adoption!!!! So when you just say one day hey i think i want my child back that i put up for adoption 3 mounths ago thats not fair to the parent that CAN'T have children that adopted your child you need to think of others like your CHILD....but theis are just my thoughts if i hurt anyone i am sorry this is just how i feel!!!!

[Kim]

I'm an adoptive mom and I posted earlier. I never meant to offend any birthmoms so please accept my apolgies if I have. I think about our sons birthmom every day and how hard it must have been for her to make that decision and am so thankful that she chose us to parent her baby. I know she loves him very much and I'm thankful that I have never had to make that decision myself. I feel that if our sons birthmom had done the things that were offered to her such as counseling, meeting with other birthmoms, open communication of her feelings and desires to us and to the agency about what she wanted out of the adoption (ie. open, closed, visitation, pictures) then things may have turned out much differently. Instead she hid alot of her feelings and information which resulted in a bad situation which would affect us all for the rest of our lives. Communication between everyone is so important. Don't be embarrassed and hide your feelings, speak up and get what you want!

[Beth]

Really there is not a "mold" that makes it right or wrong. God places us all in his plan. Our plan was to adopt two beautiful babies. Our first from a wonderful young lady that faced so much alone. Our second from a relative. Our children are our own, whether they grew in my womb or not-they are our children. Any thought of the birthmothers "changing their minds" would be devastating to our daughters and to us! To the many birthparents out there, that is why placing your baby for adoption is the most selfless thing you can do. Taking babies/children away from their parents is not only harmful, but unnatural. By that I mean the adoptive parents. We ARE their Mother and Father. Biologically not, but are still their parents. We will always hold the women that carried and loved our daughters enough. Please understand this is a touchy subject for all, but if a decision is made to place your baby for adoption-do what you can to obtain counseling, grief support groups, but know that you did the most important thing in your life-you love your baby enough to give them the best at that time in your life. May God bless both adoptive parents and birthparents.

[vicki]

Hi,
I put a posting in here on two of my boys who have been placed for adoption. I just wanted to say to the one who was doing a report on brith mothers, I hear what you are saying, but everyones stoy is differnt. I tricked into the adoption and I was lied to and was not told my rights and choices till it was too late. I did not want my boys to go up for adoption. I wanted them to remain with me. I do not feel that the brithmothers should be judged the way people judge them. I do agree that it is not fair to the adoptive parents or the children for birth mothers to want their children back, howeveer if you were not treated right and you were lied about, and to and you did not understand everything that was going on. As well as told that you did not have to be at the last court case CAS in my opition was scared that you wuold learn more about your rights. I understand how adoptive mothers feel, but what about how brithmothers feel, not knowing if their children are being treated right, where they are, how they are doing, and if they are told about you as their brith mothers/fathers. Given said all this there is one thing that noone can rob from brith mothers and that is their love for their child and the fact is that they are the brithmothers. we safer too.
Thank you once again:
Vicki

[MikkiStreak]

"Is it better to return the child to a mother who can't make up her mind whether or not she actually wants him?"

Let me point out that the decision to place a child has nothing to do with "wanting" the child. As a 'firstmother' to a 15 year old, that is such a horrible and hurtful inaccuracy of the adoption experience.

Most women who place have to convince themselves that leaving their child truly is in the child's best interest. When I was pregnant, I said all the right things - "This is my plan for my child." "This child needs more than I can provide." "I know it's in her best interest to be raised in a two-parent, stable home."

Those are the words that became like a mantra in my mind. If I repeated them enough, maybe sometime I would truly believe it.
That doesn't mean I didn't want my daughter or that I changed my mind and wanted her back after she was born.

I made an adoption decision based on temporary life issues. If an adoptive father lost his job and his wife left him, would society tell him he should place his children for adoption again? No, but put this on a young, single woman and that's all we hear while pregnant.

"My husband and I were the only parents my son had known and to be taken away from us at that stage would be forever damaging to him."
"Taking babies/children away from their parents is not only harmful, but unnatural. By that I mean the adoptive parents."

Well, before he became your son, he was another woman's son for 9 months. She fed him, cared for him, nurtured him and loved him. She was the only parent your son knew for those 9 months. It was equally as damaging to him to suffer the loss of her, but you didn't mind putting him through that, did you?

[jackie]

I can speak from personal experience because I was a child that a birth mother came back for. I lived with the family until I was almost two, and then I had to be sent to my 'birthmother,' a woman I hardly knew from visitation rights and I did not know as my mother. I was taken from the only family that I knew. After much counseling as an adult I have come to terms with what my mother did to me and have forgiven her. It was very emotionally scarring for me and it affected my whole life, I used to break down into uncontrollable tears at the littlest thing - because I was carrying around a hurt I didn't know how to process. I really truly belive in my heart that my mother did not have my best interest in mind when she started the court process to regain custody of me. Birthmoms, because of their emotional attatchment, can't really understand this. It would have been sad for me if I did not know my birthmother, but it is sadder for me that I had to live with her away from my first family. I wish that I was adopted and left with my real family.

[Laurie]

I think it's fascinating how you bring up King Solomon. King Soloman's judgement was that the real mom whose child was appropriated by another woman should have her baby back.

Yet you use this example to say you believe the unrelated woman who was willing to see the child dead - rather than return him to his mother - is the better "parent" and should be awarded the baby.

Amazing conclusion you have drawn here.

[SHAWN]

I'm A BIRTHFATHER THAT DID NOT KNOW MY EX- GIRLFRIEND WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY FOR YOU SEE SHE MOVED IN WITH ANOTHER GUY 2 MONTHS AFTER WE BROKE UP. I FOUND OUT WHEN THE ADOPTION AGENCIES CALLED MY JUNE 30 05 AND I TOLD THEM NO AND MY SON WAS BORN JULY 2 05 AND WITH THE GREAT HELP OF LDS ADOPTION AGENCIES MY SON WAS OUT OF STATE JULY 4 05 TO THE COUPLE OF MY EX' BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY. I HAVE FOUGHT THIS IN DALLAS COURT AND WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY SON. I DID CLAIM WITH THE STATE JULY 25 05 SAYING I WAS THE FATHER. I'M NOT SAYING ADOPTION IS WRONG IT'S GREAT BUT MAKE SURE THE BIRTHFATHERS AGREE WITH IT NOT YOU SEE I HAVE LOST SO MUCH TIME WITH MY SON HE IS NOW 1 AND HOW IS THAT FAIR. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND MY SON HAS NEVER SAW MY FAMILY. THE GOOD THING IS THE STATE BOARD OF SOCAIL WORKERS IN TEXAS SAW THE NIGHTMARE I'M GOING THROUGH AND GAVE THE SOCIAL WORKER FOR LDS WHICH STAND FOR LATTER DAY SAINTS 2 YEARS PROBATION SUSPENSION OF HIS LICESES THAT MEAN FOR 2 YEARS THE STATE HAS TO LOOK OVER HIS PAPER WORK. GOOD MAYBE HE WON'T STEAL ANOTHER CHILD AWAY FROM A FATHER. IF THE MOTHER HAD DECIEDED TO HAVE KEPT MY SON ATLEAST I WOULD HAVE GOT TO SEE HIM EVERYOTHER WEEKEND. WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

[Cheri]

My husband & I have adopted my younger sisters 3 children. The state took them away from her & there father for neglect,drugs,Childeren in need of care. we went through everything that the court said we should do. They willingly signed there parental rights away to all 3. This has been over a year ago. We fought this battle for 4 years. At first we were going to let them both see the children but they just can't seem to clean up. We feel that if we went to all the trouble of keeping the children safe & together in a very loving home then they should at least be able to do this for there children but that hasn't happend. When we adopted them we changed there last name to ours. Now the father has married & thinks he will get the children back & my sister just wants what she wants with no consideration to the children. Can this legal happen on the father's side & if so what can we do about it. We love these children & we just want what is BEST for them.

[Terri]

My husband and I have been trying for three years to have a child of our own. It's so depressing and heartbreaking. We want a child so very badly. It's dissapointment after dissapointment. We had thought about adoption, but after reading all of this, I don't know if I want to. I don't think I could handel it if I adopted a baby and had all of my dreams to finally come true and then have a birth parent change their mind or have one that doesn't know the baby exists and finds out and want the baby. I just couldn't handle it.

[blessdassurance]

When I was in college I had a pregnancy scare. It turned out that my period was just late. I don't claim to know how birthmothers feel, but I do remember the FEAR. I'd ask birthmothers to consider the grief of infertility as I've tried to imagine the difficulty and bravery of giving up a child.
Now I'm 34 years old, married for 13 years, and barren as a desert. Eleven years ago my husband and I decided to start a family. I bought all kinds of things for our baby. Follow this with the shock of hearing the doctor say, "You won't get pregnant naturally," then 11 long YEARS of medicine, biopsies, surgeries, and financial struggle, trying to achieve the only thing I'd really ever wanted: to be a mom. Think of the insensitive comments by well-meaning and rude people alike. Think of the strain on your marriage and the blame you cast on each other. Think of seeing pregnant women everywhere, friends and family having children, the one thing you want most and can't do. Think of falling apart at the sight of babies and small children. Think of donating the things you bought for your own child to the crisis pregnancy center - you just can't look at the empty bassinet anymore, and it should go to someone who'll use it. Infertility is a grief process with the same steps as grieving a death -- shock, numbness, denial, anger; for you're grieving the loss of your children -- the children you always knew you'd have. Hopefully, finally you can reach acceptance.
My husband and I have now accepted after 11 years of brokenheartedness that we won't have biological children. Now we are moving ahead with great hope and trust in God that we will have the blessing of a family through adoption. As a sign of faith, I have begun buying things again. After all the costs of infertility, I don't know how we'll afford adoption (not all adoptive parents are rich, especially after spending thousands in adoption costs), but I have faith and hope, and that's more than I've had in a decade.
After all we suffer by the time we adopt, I think it's clear that most adoptive parents are going to throw their hearts and souls into the love and caring of their child. I know for myself that I will love my children deeply, unconditionally, and just the same as if I had carried them in my womb, because of the terrible road I've traveled. Every day I'll thank God for blessing me with the greatest gift in life.
Now picture this: a child in a crib I've painted, lying in bedding I made myself. My husband and I looking in awe; finally, the dream is real - our own child. God has finally shown mercy and restored the years of heartbreak, loss, and emptiness. The next day I'm changing a diaper while my husband is mixing formula. The phone rings. The birthmother wants our child back. The child of blessing. The child I already love with a mother's devotion.
This is why adoptive parents fight so hard.
Birthmothers, I know it must be heart-wrenching to give your child to someone you don't know. But try to think of our perspective as well. Let's all try to walk in the other's shoes.

[Suzanne Sower]

Brittany,
I don't know if you are my biological granddaughter or not but more than anything in the world I wish my son and his girlfriend had not given away their baby--her adoptive name is Brittany. I always call her "sweet baby girl" and I often think of her. Perhaps that is why I am posting this note.

[stella valdivia]

my grandchild supposebly was given away by my son and girlfriend. but now they want him back . my grandson if 5 years old so i knew him well and i love him this happened about a year ago i beleve that the uncle and aunt promised them something and they the parents not being in there right mind such maybe drugs or for fincial reasons but now the mother of my grandchild is extremely deperat to get her son back and so is my son i also miss my grandchild and would do anything to bring him home where he belongs. please help me .

[grieving grandmother]

My son died a pedestrian death 2 and
a half months ago. His former girl-
friend showed up on my doorstep the
same day he died. She gave me a pic-
ture and footprints of a baby she
gave birth to a couple of months before the death of my son. I was
in shock over the death of my son
and I really didn't know how to re-
spond to her. I had no knowledge of
this baby she says is his. I had
the funeral director request DNA from
the medical examiner's office. She
says she gave the baby over to social
services. (They were both 19). Social
services won't give me any information about the baby. I am
sick with worry over this baby. I
have been just living day to day
grieving my son. I know I must act
fast or this child might be lost to
me forever. It may already be adopt-
ed out. I found out later that she
has two other children that social
services took away. Social services
thinks I should just go away. I
am a decent person with absolutely
no reason for anyone to think I
wouldn't be good to the child. I
think a lawyer is my only alternative. If the baby were adopt-
ed already, I can tell you that it
would probably kill me to take it
away from a good home with loving
people. But, how can you turn your
mind away from the fact that this
may very well be your much-loved
child's offspring? Honestly, I wish
they had come to me while she was
pregnant. If any girl out there is
in this predicament with little or
no support, please give the father
of your child a chance. You might
be upset and angry, maybe even hate
him. But if you sense that his par-
ents are good people, please ask them
for help. I know it's hard. But so
is turning your baby over to something you have no control over.
Sometimes that's the only choice
young girls have, and my heart aches
for them. I think they do the best
they know how to do at the time.
Being pregnant even under ideal cir-
stances is stressful. I cannot
imagine the heartache and sacrifice.
I had no choice in the death of my
son. But if you have decent people
who you think you can go to, please
consider that an option.

[Shawn Mcdonald]

Now it's been a hole 15 months of still fighting in court to get my son out of the hands of people who wanted to steal him from me. You see they are family menbers of my ex-girl friend new boy friend. They went out of the way hiding the fact she was pregant and the baby was mine. I don't know what you have been told but I'm the only man i have heard of that did registered with the putative father registry on time and still hasn't got his child back so if you think that the registered is a answer think different. These people could have gave me my son back months and months ago and you call that in the best interest of the child. I will win my son back and he and his sister and I will have a happy ending soon. But think twice young men there is no rights out there for you.

[leRae Edwards]

My garnddaughter was taken out of my arms almost 4 years ago and I have tried to contact the ones that have her they live in anoughter state I call they say shes not there I say I'm comming to see her they say they have planed a vacation I go to see her and they dont ansrwer the door now for the last year and a half they don't even pick up the phone I want to see her and be apart of her life the last time I talked to them they said she woulden't even know me any more and they dident think it would be a good idea well they change their minds alot it all depends if they have had a drink yet! they drink every day all day long I know this because this is my ex husband and his wife,he diden't ever see his daughter after he married his wife because she dident like me. but I never tried to keep him or her from seeing his child in fact I made calls to them to take part in her life and then they moved to az,it wasent until she had her frist baby (my daughter) her and I got on the computer and phone and finaly paid somone to find them .he said he tried to find us but gave up after awhile,but we had never change our phone number for years! but to keep peace we let it go so here I'm fighting to just love and hold this child and they wont let me!I GO TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP WITH A HARTACHE EVERYDAY & NIGHT! can some one tell me what to do I'm not rich but I have saved some money to go and see her again.
Ther is more to this story but it would take to long no they don't let the babys Mother see her that would be my daughter. she let them take the baby while she was in jail.

HARTBROKEN IN SAC CA

[Del]

There would be no such thing as "mothers changing their minds" if adopters wanted a child that was actually free for adoption since the parental rights would have been already terminated.

But instead adopters seek out pregnant women for a fresh from the womb newborn to make "theirs" before it is even born.

At the hospital mothers must be given the opportunity to make the fully informed decision.
Fully informed meaning: experiencing the reality of her baby after 9 months of pregnancy,
holding her baby and having the opportunity to experience mothering her baby the way nature intended - and all without the presence of intruders wanting to separate her and her child.

Adopters can complain about all the hoops they had to jump through as if it's an entitlement to any child.
But to complain about "mothers changing their minds" is the same as admitting trying to take a child that was never available for adoption.

[steev]

hi im steev
i really agree with adoptive mother because in life when you do something, you also have to take responsability for. i've a question for biological parents: can you give me three reason to give you back your child after you left him for anyreasons ?? and do you think about their adopive parent ?