Exploring Adoption

When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?

We adopted our sons when they were newborns, and adoption has always been a normal part of the vocabulary around our home. When Ben was 6 years old and Josh was 3, we went to the hospital to meet one of their newborn cousins. The boys looked around in wonderment. Babies were born in hospitals! “I thought all babies came from the adoption agency,” remarked Ben.

We have never led our sons to believe that all babies originate at the adoption agency; that was just their assumption. To them, adoption is the normal way to join one’s family; they think it odd that babies appear on the scene in any other way.

When Should You Tell Your Child Who His Birth Parents Are?
Recently, I spoke with an adoptive mom who shares an open adoption with her oldest daughter’s birth mother. Her daughter, age 4 ½, has always known her birth mother. However, she doesn’t know that the woman is her birth mother – she thinks she’s just a good friend of the family.

I recommended that the parents and birth mom reveal the identity of the birth mother sooner, rather than later. I believe that the girl will be less apt to resent her parents and her birth mother for keeping secrets, which will save everyone potential heartache in the long run.

Children are so resilient…if the girl learns who her birth mother is now, at age 4, in a couple of years, it will seem as if she’s always known who her birth mother is.

There are two viewpoints about when to discuss adoption with your children.
Theory #1 recommends postponing the discussion of adoption until the child is between the ages of 5 and 7. At that age, say some psychologists, the child will have the inner strength to incorporate and cope with the information.

Theory #2 recommends discussing adoption from the moment the child comes into the family.

I adhere to Theory #2. We have shown our sons photos of their birth parents since they were infants, and we have identified them as their birth parents since day one. We display their pictures on our fridge, along with the rest of our extended family. I’m hopeful that our sons are growing up with a healthy view of both adoption and of their birth parents.

Yes, I realize that our sons silently grieve over what is often referred to as “the primal wound.” I realize that they wonder why their birth parents made an adoption plan for them. I realize that they may struggle with attachment issues and with rejection issues, even if they aren’t able to articulate them. And I do my best to make sure they feel loved, accepted and welcomed, by both their birth and adoptive parents.

I love what Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner says in her book, The Spirit of Adoption: At Home in God’s Family: “It is essential that adopted children be helped to understand that relinquishment can be tenderly undertaken. Hopefully, the pain of being given up, which connotes abandonment, can be ameliorated with the understanding that an adopted child is given to a welcoming family, a phrase implying loving intent. When possible, it is beneficial to tell adopted children how lovingly the plans for adoption were made. It is of utmost importance that adopted children be told of how expectantly they were awaited, how they grew to life in the hearts of their adoptive parents.”

Unplanned Pregnancy Results in the Greatest Gift

Mary, the mother of Jesus, helps us understand the internal struggle that all women who face an unplanned pregnancy must experience. When the angel Gabriel shows up to inform the teenage Galilean girl that God has a little surprise in store for her, Mary experiences the shock of her life. Gabriel bluntly announces, “You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and call his name Jesus. He will be great, be called ‘Son of the Highest.’ (Luke 1:31-32, The Message).

Mary trembles with a mixture of excitement and fear at Gabriel’s news. Granted, God has chosen her, a nobody peasant girl, to attain the honor that Hebrew women throughout history have desired. Yet an instant ethical dilemma accompanies the honor of being pregnant with the promised Messiah: everyone will assume Mary is pregnant out of wedlock. Sure, she can claim that the Holy Spirit is the birth father of her unborn child. She can tell everyone that the child she’s carrying is the long-awaited Messiah. But she knows that her story will seem far-fetched at the very least. Imagine the thoughts that whirl through Mary’s mind: Why is this happening to me? I’m not married. My fiancé, Joseph, will think I’ve been sleeping with another man!

Joseph probably did think that, because he was prepared to break off the pending marriage. But fortunately, he, too, received an angelic visit that set him straight on the details of Mary’s mysterious pregnancy. Joseph agreed to stick by her, and the two of them (and God) prepared to face the wrath of their world head-on.

Mary and Joseph’s family, friends and neighbors must have thought they had both lost their minds. They glared at Mary, accusing her with their eyes: We see right through that outlandish story you’ve invented to cover up the fact that you’ve been a naughty girl. And Joseph – what a dope! That conniving little fiancé of his sure pulled the wool over his eyes. Why doesn’t he just disgrace her publicly or have her stoned?

It required more than a little strength of character for the young couple to ignore the criticism. For they knew that the ostracism, both subtle and blatant, would never diminish as long as they remained in Nazareth. So they released their burden to God. With the assurance that God was in control, they allowed Him to direct their path.

The faith of this young couple astounds me. They listened to God’s direction and they obeyed. They faced the most bizarre unplanned pregnancy of all time, and yet they listened and obeyed. I’m so grateful that they did! Because Mary and Joseph willingly allowed God to guide them, we get to celebrate Christmas today. What better gift could anyone ask for?

"Who's Your Daddy" Contact Info for Producers

If you're interested in e-mailing the producers of the reality show, "Who's Your Daddy," to voice your displeasure with the content of this soon-to-air show, you can do so from the following link:

http://simpleasthat.com/actionletter/index.php

For more information about the grassroots effort to get this show canned before it ever sees the light of day, visit As Simple As That.

Learn more about the planned show in my blogs for December 15 and 20.

Adoption Community Responds to Fox TV's Planned Reality Show About Adoption

A column in today's Christian Science Monitor discusses the adoption community's outrage at Fox's new reality show, "Who's your Daddy?"  (see my December 15 blog for a detailed description of the show).

In "Adoption as a game show: Are we disgusted yet?" Adam Pertman and Hollee McGinnis explain how the show takes an intensely personal, complex situation and "transforms it into a voyeuristic display."

Check out the commentary...it's worth the read!

Fox Plans to Air 'Perverse' Adoption Show

According to an Associated Press article distributed worldwide, the Fox network is debuting a reality show January 3 called, "Who's Your Daddy?" in which a woman adopted as an infant attempts to guess the identity of her birth father. If she guesses correctly after interviewing eight contestants, she wins up to $100,000. If she's incorrect, the imposter she chooses takes home the money. She and her birth father will be reunited at the end of the show.

Producers of the show claim that their goal is to reunite birth parents with the children they placed for adoption, and they say that money is not a factor for the contestants. Yeah, right. I say that there are better ways for birth fathers and the adult children they relinquished to meet than on a reality t.v. show where $100,000 is at stake.

Adam Pertman, director of the highly-respected Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (and author of Adoption Nation), calls the show "perverse." He says, "No reasonable person would stand for such a show if it treated race, gender, ethnicity or religion in such a crass, intrusive manner. And we shouldn't tolerate it, either, when it deals with such an important, personal component of so many people's lives."

I agree. What are the bozos at Fox thinking? While most of their shows aren't fit for viewing anyway, this one makes a laughingstock of adoption and denigrates everyone touched by adoption.

Six episodes of the show have been filmed, but only one is scheduled to air at this point. If you're as outraged about this as I am and want to see this show pulled, I urge you to boycott this show and to write to Executive Producers, Scott Hallock, Kevin Healey and Ken Mok.

Write to them at:
Who's Your Daddy
P.O. Box 900
Attn: FOX BROADCASTING Publicity Dept.
Beverly Hills, CA 90213-0900

Pros and Cons of International Adoption

This is the fourth in a series that explores the pros and cons of various types of adoption.
Part 1 (12-4-04) looked at closed or confidential adoption.
Part 2 (12-6-04)  looked at semi-open adoption.
Part 3 (12-8-04) looked at fully-disclosed or open adoption.

International adoptions have increased significantly since 1989, when 7,093 children from other countries were adopted by US families. In 1995, the number jumped to 10,641, and in 2002, it more than doubled, to 21,616.

The top 10 countries of origin for children adopted internationally in 2003 were as follows:

1. China (6,859)

2. Russia (5,209)

3. Guatemala (2,328)

4. South Korea (1,790)

5. Kazakhstan (825)

6. Ukraine (702)

7. India (472)

8. Vietnam (382)

9. Columbia (272)

10. Haiti (250)

Other countries in the top 20 include Philippines, Romania, Bulgaria, Belarus, Ethiopia, Cambodia, Poland, Thailand, Azerbaijan, and Mexico (U.S. Department of State, Office of Visa Processing).   

People who adopt internationally express a desire to provide the stability, sense of family and quality of life that an institutionalized child might not ever experience otherwise. While parents are not able to adopt a newborn, they may bring home a child as young as three or four months. Many children adopted internationally are 6, 8 or 12 months old when they arrive home.

According to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey, 47 percent of Americans think that an internationally adopted child is more likely to have significant medical or emotional problems than a domestically adopted child. Children who have been living in an orphanage often experience developmental delays, particularly in speech and language. They may suffer from the effects of malnutrition, birth defects or infectious diseases. Once they are nursed back to health, they usually thrive in their adoptive families. Many healthy children are also available for adoption.

Adoption medicine specialists do a fantastic job of diagnosing health issues after watching a videotape of a child or after reading a child’s medical records. But a thorough diagnosis may not take place until after the child arrives home. Issues that are routinely identified during the adoption process among children adopted domestically are not necessarily recognized during the international adoption process.

Is it easier to adopt internationally than domestically? Yes and no. Adoption laws in some countries make it easier for singles and those over 40 to adopt, while other countries have age restrictions.

The homestudy involves a ton of paperwork – much more than in domestic adoption – but once the homestudy is complete, prospective parents are “matched” with a child (parents can usually choose whether they’d like to adopt a girl or a boy).  Within 6 months to two years (depending on the country), the child arrives home. Unless the rules and regulations in the child’s country of origin change (which, unfortunately, happens quite often), parents are very likely to adopt the child for whom they have accepted a referral.

Parents who have dealt with the frustration of infertility may feel safer adopting internationally because they don’t have to worry about contact with or potential interference from birthparents. On the other hand, they may have little or no information about their child’s medical history or birth family. The child’s birthmother may have received poor or no prenatal care, and she may be untraceable (or deceased), should the adopting family desire to learn more about her.

International adoption is generally more costly than domestic adoption, due to the additional paperwork, additional agency staff in-country, and travel costs. Many parents travel twice to their child’s country of origin – once to meet their child and the second time to bring their child home. While travel is spendy and time-consuming, parents agree that the trips are invaluable. Not only do parents learn firsthand about their child’s culture, but they have the opportunity to interact with their child and his or her caregivers in an environment in which the child feels comfortable.

Adopting parents should thoroughly check out the agency with which they work to assure that adoption facilitators in both countries are honest and have excellent reputations with local officials.

This series about the pros and cons of adoption is also available at www.laurachristianson.com.

The Trend Toward Openness in Adoption

There's an excellent article about open adoption in The Oregonian. The article, entitled "Open Hearts," (October 24, 2004), explains how the nature of adoption is changing and why openness in adoption is steadily increasing. The story walks readers through a real-life experience from both the perspective of a birth mother and the couple who adopts her baby.

Some interesting points from the article:

• The first open adoptions are believed to have started in California in the early 1980s.
• As many as 1 million families hope to adopt, and as many as two-thirds of them are willing to pursue openness in adoption.
• There is little data to determine how openness affects children.
• Open adoption is much more popular in the West, where the definition of 'family' is less traditional than in other parts of the United States.

Pros and Cons of Open Adoption

This is the third in a series that explores the pros and cons of various types of adoption.
Part 1 (12-4-04) looked at closed or confidential adoption.
Part 2 (12-6-04)  looked at semi-open adoption.

What is open adoption?
Open or fully-disclosed adoption is the current trend in domestic infant adoption. The practice picked up steam in the mid-90s and continues to gain popularity, especially among birth parents.

In an open adoption, everyone shares their first and last names and both parties meet face to face at least once. Often, the interaction between the birth and adoptive family continues throughout the child’s life. This contact may take the form of letters, e-mails, pictures and gifts, or through phone calls and/or visits.

Birth parents have more control
Because birth parents choose the adoptive parents for their child in a semi-open or open adoption, they feel an increased sense of control, which leads to healthy processing of their grief and less guilt about their decision.

On the other hand, because the birth parent(s) and adoptive parents meet – often many times during the pregnancy – birth parents may feel additional pressure to place their child based on the emotional and/or financial support the adoptive family provides.

After voluntarily relinquishing their parental rights, some birth parents struggle with boundary issues. They may have unrealistic expectations about the adoptive family or about the role they agreed to play in their child’s life.

Adoptive parents are morally bound to maintain contact
Adoptive parents, who may not feel completely comfortable with the degree of contact, sometimes “play along” until after they adopt the child. Once the birth parents’ rights are terminated in court (usually anywhere from 2 days to 3 months in the U.S., depending on the state), the adoptive parents slam the door to continued contact. This is an unconscionable act on the adoptive parents' part, and when it happens, birth parents feel betrayed and rejected and are likely to regret their decision.

Thankfully, this scenario rarely occurs in open adoptions because birth parents usually choose adoptive families with whom they feel an affinity. The two families often bond quickly, resulting in a lasting friendship.

First parents and second parents
Birth parents in fully-disclosed adoptions are usually mature individuals who are willing to work with the adoptive family to establish appropriate boundaries that are in the best interest of the child.

Contrary to popular belief, children in open adoptions are not confused about who their “real” parents are. That’s because both sets of parents are their “real” parents. Their “first” or “birth parents” cared for them in the womb and carefully planned for their future. Their “second” or “adoptive” parents now have the joy of nurturing them as they grow to adulthood – with the support of the birth parent cheering squad.

In open adoptions in which boundaries are carefully established, children know who’s who. There’s no fantasizing about who their birth parents are – they know who they are. They call their (adoptive) parents Mom and Dad, and they usually call their birth parents by their first names.

There are fewer feelings of abandonment, because they can ask their birth parents why they placed them for adoption and get straight answers. They feel free to bond with their adoptive family, because they are assured that their birth parent(s) support them and their family. They may even end up with a slew of extra biological grandparents, siblings, cousins and doting aunties that they never expected.

Open adoption can be complex and challenging. But if respect and trust are mutual, it can also be a rewarding experience for everyone.

Coming December 15: Pros and Cons of International Adoption

This series about the pros and cons of adoption is also available at www.laurachristianson.com.

Pros and Cons of Semi-Open Adoption

This is the second in a series that explores the pros and cons of various types of adoption. Part 1 (12-4-04) looked at closed or confidential adoption.

What is semi-open adoption?
Semi-open or mediated adoptions were very popular in the late 1980s to mid 1990s, and are still the norm today. Adoptive parents, aware that birth parents want and usually deserve some degree of contact with their child, yet cautious of allowing full contact, often choose this route.

A happy medium
In a semi-open adoption, an adoption professional (agency, facilitator or adoption attorney), serves as the go-between for the exchange of letters, gifts and photos. Last names and addresses are not shared. A semi-open adoption offers some degree of privacy for both parties, while allowing for an ongoing flow of information. Birth parents feel relieved that they’ve made a good decision as they look at pictures of their happy child, and adoptive parents feel that they have the means to answer questions about their child’s history and to allow their child to “get to know” his or her birth parents from a safe distance.

Birth parents, who are often concerned about how the child they placed for adoption will feel about them, have the opportunity to explain, in writing, why they made an adoption plan. They can communicate their hopes and dreams for their child without taking on a more active role in the child’s life.

There is a potential for either the birth or adoptive family to shut off contact (which can be a good or a bad thing, depending on the situation). Often, a birth mother will get married and/or have another child, and the contact lessens over time.

There’s also the potential to increase contact. If, after exchanging letters and photos for months or years, the parties develop strong feelings of trust, respect and friendship, they may decide to forego the mediator and establish direct contact.

Birth parents demanding their child back? Not likely.
The most common question that people ask parents involved in a semi-open or open adoption is, “Aren’t you afraid that the birth parent(s) will come and take the child back? Actually, the more open the adoption, the less likely the birth parent is to want to reclaim the child. Because there are very few secrets in open adoptions, birth parents generally feel content with their decision.

Birth parents in semi-open adoptions report that ongoing contact with their child is the healing balm their hearts yearn for.

Coming December 8: Pros and Cons of Fully-Disclosed/Open Adoption

This series about the pros and cons of adoption is also available at www.laurachristianson.com.

Pros and Cons of Adoption

Introduction:
This series of blogs will explore the pros and cons of various types of adoption: confidential/closed, semi-open and fully-disclosed/open; international; special needs and foster-to-adopt. Please email me your own pros and cons and I’ll add them to the list.

Part 1: Pros and Cons of Confidential or Closed Adoption

What is closed adoption?
A confidential adoption is one in which there is no contact between the birth and adoptive families. Confidential or closed adoption was commonplace from the 1950s through the early 1980s, when the concept of open adoption began gaining popularity. In a confidential adoption, the agency or adoption attorney serves as the mediator, and the adoptive family receives only non-identifying information (medical history, description of physical features, etc.) about the birth parents.

The child's safety is foremost
Confidential adoptions are an appropriate choice (and often, the only viable choice) when the birth parents are incarcerated, are drug addicted, are emotionally disturbed or have been abusive to the child. In these situations, the child has often been removed from his or her birth parents for safety reasons. The safety of the child should always be a parent’s foremost concern. If protecting a child from potentially harmful contact with his or her birth parents is a critical factor, a closed adoption is a viable choice.

Birth parents are out of the picture -- for better or for worse
Adoptive parents who choose a confidential adoption do so partly out of fear of involvement from potentially pushy birth parents. On the other hand, because they know nothing about the birth parents, the adoptive parents may have a hard time feeling empathy toward them as fellow human beings who grieve over the fact that their child is no longer in their life.

Or the adoptive parents may live in fear, always on the lookout for anyone who resembles their child, fearful that a birth parent will swoop in and steal the child. These fears are largely unfounded, as proven by the ever-increasing popularity of open adoption (see article on the pros and cons of open adoption for a different perspective).

In the past, when closed adoption was a birth parent's only option, people asserted that confidential adoption gave birth parents the opportunity to put the painful experience behind them and move on with their lives. Numerous studies show that birth parents do not ever forget the child they placed for adoption. Not knowing whether their child is healthy, happy and well-adjusted causes lifelong grief for many birth parents. Because of their lack of information about their child, birth parents are likely to second-guess their decision, forever wondering how their child is doing, whether their child hates them, or whether their child is anxious to meet them.

Some birth parents still do choose closed adoption because they do not want their pregnancy to be public knowledge and the confidentiality of closed adoption makes them feel more comfortable.

The child may be affected negatively
Adopted children seem to be the ones most negatively affected by confidential adoption. Thousands of adult adoptees born in the 1950s through ‘70s search for their birth parents, saying they feel incomplete, as if part of their identity is missing. Many adopted women search for their birth parents when they get pregnant for the first time, desiring to complete the “missing link” of their biological heritage and to obtain more complete medical information about potential health issues their own children may inherit.

Coming December 6: Pros and Cons of Semi-Open Adoption

This series on the pros and cons of adoption is also available at www.laurachristianson.com.