Exploring Adoption

Open Adoption From a Birth Mother's Perspective

There's a neat story about open adoption in The Lafayette Daily Advertiser (Nov. 30, 2004, Lafayette, Louisiana).

The story is about Danielle, a 16-year-old who decided that adoption was the best option for the baby she gave birth to three weeks ago. She says that many of the other pregnant teens she knows believe that "they would never be able to see or have contact with their child" if they placed their child in an adoptive family.

But Danielle decided on an open adoption in which information and ongoing contact will be shared between her and the adoptive family.

Danielle brings up several good points that address common adoption myths:

• She says that she didn't 'give up' her daughter; she decided to place her with a family that she chose.
• She is going to counseling to help her process her decision and her grief.
• She made an adoption plan, not because she's selfish and wanted to get rid of her child, but because she loves her child and hopes that her daughter will be blessed with the "good life" she had.

Cultural Programs for Adopting Russian Orphans

A growing number of adoption agencies and organizations sponsor exchange programs in which children from Russia and other Eastern European countries visit the United States for a three-week cultural and host-family experience. The intent of these programs is to increase awareness among American families of older children available for adoption, and to find permanent homes for the children.

It's estimated that nearly 700,000 children live in Russian orphanages. Many of these children have at least one living parent who either neglects the child or is too poor to care for the child. Most older children in these orphanages are not adopted, and when they leave the orphanage at age 18, as many as 40 percent become unemployed and homeless, 30 percent become criminals and 10 percent commit suicide, according to Morgan Bates, Director of International Family Services of Arizona.

International Family Services' Family Hope program brings groups of 20 to 26 children, ages 5 to 12, from Russia for a three-week stay with host families. Local families host an individual child or sibling groups of two or three children. "Our families are pre-qualified and screened, but they do not need to have a home study completed," says Bates.

During their visit, the children attend camp every weekday. They learn to swim, they take English lessons, and they go on field trips to the museum and zoo. In addition to offering the children the opportunity to become acquainted firsthand with American culture, the program "gives the host families the opportunity to see if a child will be a good fit," says Bates. "It gives them a chance to form a deeper relationship than they would during a short visit to a Russian orphanage."

After the camp experience ends, the children return to their orphanages. Families who choose to adopt a child can often complete the adoption within two to 12 months.

Bates explains that adopting through the Family Hope program costs less than a traditional Russian adoption, which would require two trips to Russia: one to meet the child and a second trip to adopt the child. Because the child and his or her potential family have already had the chance to get acquainted, adoptions completed via the Family Hope program require only one trip to Russia to bring the child home. Families who adopt multiple children and sibling groups also do not pay full adoption fees for each child -- they get a discounted rate (they also get to claim the Federal Adoption Tax Credit for each child).

Colette Steele of Gilbert, AZ, and three other families in her neighborhood hosted children though the Family Hope program. All four families are adopting children who participated in the program. The Steeles, who already have five biological children, are adopting two girls and a boy (I'll explain how the families are raising the funds to adopt their children in an upcoming article to be published at preconception.com).

Bates says that 95 percent of the children who participate in the program are adopted. That figure rings true for similar organizations, such as Kidsave International, The Gladney Center's Bright Futures Camp, Cradle of Hope Adoption Center's Bridge of Hope program and Adoption Adventure. An article in Adoptive Families magazine (July/Aug 2004) indicates that 90 percent of the children who participate in such camps are adopted.

According to Mara Kamen, who wrote "Summer of Hope" for Adoptive Families magazine, the children who participate in these programs are screened for HIV, TB and hepatitis. They're selected based on their age, health and ability to travel and live in a family setting.

While they're not supposed to know that the goal of the trip is for them to be adopted, many of the children figure that out. Critics of such programs claim that the children feel intense pressure to impress their host families so that they will be adopted, creating an unrealistic situation for both the host family and the child.

Families who aren't adequately counseled to deal with attachment and trauma issues, attention deficit disorders, controlling behaviors, school age children, and/or the effects of malnutrition are sometimes disappointed in their own inability to cope and with the child who they had been told would behave like angels.

Families who are considering hosting a child or adopting through a summer program should speak with others who have hosted children. Interview families who have gone on to adopt and talk to those who have chosen not to in order to glean a well-rounded perspective of the pros and cons of hosting/adopting an older Russian child.

*Note: I do not endorse the programs listed here; I simply provide information about them. I'd love feedback from people who have participated in such programs. I urge anyone interested in hosting a Russian child to thoroughly investigate the program and the agency affiliated with it before signing up.

**Updated information from a reader (August 2007):

The Russian Ministry now requires two trips. My husband and I are adopting a 12- year-old girl we have known for 7 years and who has been to America through a [host] program. The Ministry required my husband and I travel to Russia, meet with an official at the MOE office, sign numerous papers, and then file a petition for our court date. This had to be done in person and both parents had to be present.  Our second trip will be our court date, then the waiting period, and then we come home.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

International Adoption: Giving Back to Your Child's Country of Origin

Northwest Medical Teams has created an educational exhibit called "Windows of Need, Doors of Hope." The traveling exhibit, which contains videos, photos, sets and even smells, gives people a taste of the extreme poverty, conflict and disaster that is a normal part of life for millions who live in the developing world.

As one seventh-grade boy toured the exhibit, he was struck by images of the Romanian orphanage in which he had lived before he was adopted by a U.S. family. He spoke of laying in his crib, drinking from a bottle propped up with a towel, the air thick with the smell of urine.

I have visited such orphanages during two trips to Haiti. As I entered one Haitian orphanage, gaunt babies who could barely move due to malnutrition and disease raised their stick-like arms toward me in a silent plea to be picked up and cuddled. It broke my heart. I wanted to bring every child home with me.

A friend from my church adopted two biological siblings from a Haitian orphanage. While conditions at the orphanage from which she adopted were much better than at the orphanage I visited, life for most Haitians is difficult. Haitians earn an average of $400 a year. Large families are commonplace because people cannot afford birth control. Many of the children who live in Haitian orphanages have at least one living parent, but those parents do not earn enough to feed another mouth. They bring their children to an orphanage in hopes that they'll have a better life there.

When we adopt children from countries such as Haiti or Romania, we develop lifelong heart ties to that country. Via our children, we become proud almost-citizens of their country of origin. My friend experienced this, and does what she can to help those children still living in Haitian orphanages. She and her daughters organized a school supply drive at their school in Seattle, collecting pencils, erasers and sharpeners to send to Haitian schoolchildren.

Pencils and erasers may not seem like much of a gift to us. But believe me, Haitian schoolchildren greatly appreciate them. When our family visited Haiti a couple of years ago, we brought a trunk of school supplies donated by the students at my sons' school. We visited a Haitian village school and handed each child a new pencil. Those students -- many of whom attend school so they can eat at least one meal that day -- held tightly to their new pencils. They even took them to recess so that no one would swipe a pencil left on a desk!

The little things in life matter. This Thanksgiving, I encourage you to consider ways you might honor your child's heritage. If you don't have a child yet, think about how you can encourage a person who is less fortunate than you. Then do it. And have a blessed Thanksgiving.

For more information contact:
Northwest Medical Teams: 425.454.TEAM
Article about "Windows of Need, Doors of Hope" exhibit
Article about single woman who adopted daughters from Haiti
Article I wrote about our family's trip to Haiti

Kids Talk About Adoption

Last night, my 8-year-old son was playing with our cat. Josh glanced at me and teased, "You're the cat's grandmother."

Highly offended, I declared, "I am not. I'm his mother and you're his brother!" (there's no way I feel old enough to be a grandma, even if it is to a cat).

My son continued scratching the cat, and then announced to the feline, "You're my brother from another mother."

"Where'd you come up with that description?" I asked, laughing.

"That's what Benny tells people about us," he replied.

Apparently, when Josh and Benny (both adopted, but from different birth parents) explain their relationship to friends at school, they say, "He's my brother from another mother."

I kind of like that description. It's catchy. It's memorable. And it's accurate!

National Adoption Day: Good News-Bad News

On National Adoption Day, celebrated nationwide on November 20, adoption received a fair amount of media attention.

The Seattle Times played up the negative, with an article on the front page of the Local News section announcing the sentencing of a local adoption facilitator who defrauded families adopting children from Cambodia. While I understand that the timing of the sentencing coincided with National Adoption Day, I was hopeful that they would counter this bad news with something positive about National Adoption Day. No such luck.

Two days earlier the Seattle PI ran a story about another Washington woman who pleaded guilty to adoption fraud -- promising at least six couples in Oregon, California, Louisiana and Pennsylvania and a single woman in California -- that she would locate surrogate mothers or act as a surrogate mother herself. The woman received cash and property, but never delivered babies.

On the positive side, more than 200 communities nationwide observed National Adoption Day by finalizing adoptions in court -- many of them, for children previously in foster care. Here are just a few of the numbers:

• Michigan - 320 adoptions finalized in 40 county courts -- the largest statewide effort in the country!
• Sacramento, CA - 54 adoptions finalized
• Jacksonville, FL - 35 adoptions finalized
• Omaha, NE - 33 adoptions finalized
• Galveston, TX - 31 adoptions finalized
• Palm Beach, FL - 31 adoptions finalized
• Hermiker County, NY - 21 adoptions finalized
• Rockford IL - 13 adoptions finalized

In Jackson, MI, a picnic was held for dozens of adoptive families whose children were formerly in foster care.

Wendy's restaurants across the country devoted the day's proceeds to agencies that support foster care and adoption.

Hooray for these folks for making adoption possible for so many families! And a huge thank-you to the media who told their stories.

They say it takes 20 positive comments to counteract one negative comment. Those of us who have been touched by adoption in a positive way have a responsibility to make sure that people are hearing our stories. Make a point to share something positive about adoption with at least one person today!

Foster Care Statistics

There are approximately 532,000 foster care children in the United States, and 129,000 of them are available for adoption, according to a research report commissioned by the National Adoption Day Coalition.

Since 1987, the number of children in foster care has nearly doubled, and the average time a child remains in foster care is nearly three years.

According to the study, more than 90 percent of states report difficulty in identifying adoptive families for children currently in foster care. But 88 percent of states are working to improve their child welfare case management process.

You can access the complete research report at the National Adoption Day web site (click on the link above)

Media Misses the Boat on Adoption Coverage

This is an equal opportunity adoption blog -- I cover what liberals, conservatives and everyone in between is saying about adoption. Today at townhall.com, conservative columnist Marvin Olasky bemoaned the fact that the New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and USA Today have given ZERO coverage to National Adoption Month so far this month. Shame on them!

While I'm encouraged to see the abundance of stories touting National Adoption Month in smaller, regional publications, I'd like to encourage the media to cover adoption more consistently throughout the year, not just during its month and day (November 20) of official recognition.

Olasky brings up some thought-provoking issues in his column. I'd love to hear people's comments about what Olasky calls "four troublesome trends in adoption."

Troublesome Trend #1: While Americans are adopting increasing numbers of children from Russia, China and Guatemala, we are "exporting" black children for adoption in other countries. Olasky says, "Charity begins at home." He believes that we need to publicize the needs of African-American babies so that more of them will be adopted domestically.

Laura's thoughts: My question to those of you who choose to adopt internationally is: What motivated your choice? Of course you knew that there are plenty of African-American children waiting for families here in the U.S. And yet you chose to adopt internationally. Why? I'm not asking this to criticize your choice...I'm just curious.

Troublesome Trend #2: The push for total openness in adoption redefines the family to include a variety of "caregivers" rather than two parents. Olasky defines fully open adoptions as "long-term foster care in which a child has adoptive parents but also a fully involved birthmother." He believes that until a child is age 18, "the confusion that results from having two moms can cut into the sense of security and belonging that children need."

Laura's thoughts: As the mother of two children involved in a fully open adoption, I can report with complete confidence that my children (both under age 18), are not the least bit confused about who their parents are. Their first (birth) parents nurtured them in the womb, carefully chose adoptive parents for them, gave birth to them, lovingly cared for them during their first few days of life, and then placed them into our arms. The boys live with us. Permanently. We are Mom and Dad. Our boys call their birth parents by their first names, and they know they are their birth parents. We all love the boys unconditionally, which I believe increases the sense of security and belonging our boys feel.

Troublesome Trend #3: Gay adoption lobbyists claim that two fathers or two mothers are just as good as having both a father and a mother. Since many birthmoms will be reluctant to place their children for adoption if they think placement will be with homosexuals, fewer adoptions will result. Olasky advocates that birth mothers should have the right to "discriminate by stipulating that children they place for adoption will not be put into a homosexual home."

Laura's thoughts: Birth mothers are generally reluctant to place their children for adoption, whether it be with single parents, married parents, or gay parents. Adoption is an extraordinarily difficult choice, even under the best of circumstances, and I believe that birth parents should be allowed to choose the parent(s) they feel are best equipped to raise their child. I think the best-case scenario is for a child to have two heterosexual parents. Adopted kids have a lot of built-in issues to deal with. Is it fair to them to further complicate their lives by having gay parents?

Troublesome Trend #4: The role of Christian and pro-life groups in adoption has received little coverage. Olasky says that Christian nonprofit agencies such as Bethany Christian Services (the largest adoption nonprofit in the country) have been "so under-covered in the press that some people think adoption is carried on only by government agencies and for-profit businesses."

Laura's thoughts: Are people really so ignorant that they believe government agencies and for-profit businesses are the only ones that process adoptions? Perhaps, namely because the stories the media often covers are the sensational "bad news" angles about scams and adoptions gone wrong. But as a journalist who has spent the last 12 years researching adoption, I've noticed that when the media covers positive adoption stories, they do a credible job of mentioning both Christian non-profits and government agencies. If those of us who choose to do business with Christian organizations become more bold about sharing our experiences, the media will cover it more.

Talking With Others About Adoption

When you adopt a child, you unwittingly sign up to be a lifelong adoption educator to everyone around you. Sharing your adoption story can be fun, invigorating, challenging and frustrating. I often bite my lip to prevent myself from making a sharp retort to someone who spouts off some insensitive remark about adoption. I've heard plenty of insensitive comments borne of ignorance, and I'll detail them in future blogs (I invite you to share comments people have made to you, as well).

But today, I have an uplifting story. The day before Veteran's Day, my son's school had an assembly to honor vets. Josh's third grade class also had a "show and tell" time, during which the children could bring in mementos of a loved one who had served or is currently serving in the military. Josh's birth father, who is in Iraq with the Army National Guard, e-mailed him a letter and some pictures of himself with his "big gun" (a thrill for any 8-year-old boy!).

Josh memorized his birth father's letter and proudly recited it to his class and showed them the photos (that's his birth father, on the right). It warms my heart that Josh feels so comfortable with his adoption that he's not afraid to face the inevitable questions that arise when he talks about his birth father. When one of his classmates innocently asked whether his birth parents left Josh in a basket on our doorstep (she must have been thinking of Moses), Josh patiently explained the way in which he arrived in our family.

Two days after Josh's Show & Tell, I did a little show and tell of my own. I was traveling with three women from work and I told them about Josh's Veteran's Day presentation. "I didn't know you adopted your kids," exclaimed one of my co-workers. I grabbed the opportunity, and the four of us ended up talking for quite some time about adoption. The others shared their experiences with people they know who have adopted, who were adopted or who've placed a child for adoption.

While I did cringe a couple of times at some of the language they used to describe adoption, I got over it. I figure that you have to take advantage of the "teachable moments," and you can't get much better than having a captive audience when you're traveling in a car together!

For me, the best way to "teach" others about adoption is simply to share my own story when the opportunity arises. I don't constantly talk about adoption (as evidenced by the surprise of my co-worker, who's shared an office with me for several months and didn't know I was an adoptive parent). I just incorporate it into normal conversation, the same way a woman who has given birth to her children would talk about her kids. Our situation is just a little more complex, and therefore, intriguing to others.

Because I know people are intrigued and they seek a "safe" place to ask "dumb" questions about adoption, I allow myself to be that safe place. More often than not, I leave the conversation feeling as if I have taken one small step in helping broaden someone's understanding and acceptance of adoption.

Respectful Adoption Language

A column about sex education appeared in The Seattle Times November 11.

In one paragraph, Nicole Brodeur writes that high school kids who get pregnant in the Monroe School District "are taught to keep the baby or put it up for adoption."

Call me a hyersensitive adoptive parent, but I cringe when I see the phrases, "keep the baby," and "put up for adoption."

I'm a strong advocate for the use of what we in the adoption world call "positive adoption language" or "respectful adoption language." When I see journalists using the worn-out phrasing, I dash off an e-mail to them, suggesting that they replace the tired language with the terms "parent the baby" and "place for adoption."

The terms "parent" and "place for adoption are accurate descriptors of what happens when a (birth) mother makes a decision in regards to her child.

These days, many birth parents who decide on adoption make a carefully thought-out plan. Rather than "put up" or "give up" their child, which connotes something along the lines of sending an unwanted dog to the pound, birth parents "place" their child (often, literally), into the arms of his or her adoptive parents.

People who decide to parent their babies hopefully do just that. They don't just "keep" their baby, but they actively parent him or her.

While the distinction among the phrases may seem minor, words wield a tremendous power to shape opinions about adoption. I believe that adoptive parents and others touched by adoption have the responsibility to carefully consider the types of words we use to describe adoption. And we need to gently encourage others to incorporate respectful adoption language into their vocabularies. WE are the ones who will shape attitudes towards adoption for the next generation.

New Article in Family Living Magazine

"Bonded by Love," a personal essay about open adoption (co-written by my son's birth mother and me), was  published in the Nov/Dec. 2004 issue of Family Living Magazine.