Adoption World eZine is a free e-newsletter that offers fresh content you won't find on the Exploring Adoption blog or at my web site, www.laurachristianson.com.
Each monthly issue focuses on a different adoption-related topic and contains useful tips, information, and inspiration. In the May issue, we take a closer look at openness in adoption.
In yesterday’s post, I advised families who are preparing for (or already involved in) open adoption to set firm boundaries around what is/isn’t acceptable behavior among birth and adoptive family members.
Today I’m going to toss out a bunch of boundary-setting questions. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. They’re intended to get you thinking—and discussing—issues that will very likely arise in your open adoption.
While these questions are structured for adoptive parents, they are equally applicable for birth parents. If you’re a birth family member, just flip-flop the question. I highly recommend that birth and adoptive family members discuss these questions together—before the adoption takes place, if possible.
QUESTIONS FOR PARENTS TO ASK
Before the Adoption
What’s my comfort level regarding openness?
Continuing Contact
Do I want to continue contact with my child’s birth family after the adoption takes place?
Exchanging Gifts
What are my expectations regarding exchanging gifts with birth family members?
Discussing Parenting Strategies
Readers, please chime in with your own questions—and responses! What works and doesn’t work in your own open adoption?
Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption World, my free monthly eZine. To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
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In the previous post, I answered some reader questions about open adoption. Here's another one:
Q: How can we maintain a relationship with our child’s birth family in a way that will be best for our child?
A: This is a tricky question, because every open adoption situation involves a unique set of relationships. And relationships can get messy, as we all know!
I have two recommendations:
#1: Take things slow, just as you would in any new relationship.
One bizarre aspect of open adoption is that two families who would be unlikely to meet under “normal” circumstances are suddenly thrust together into a long-term relationship to which they are strongly committed. There’s a temptation to learn everything there is to know about each other, instantly. Keep in mind that a healthy open adoption lasts throughout your child’s lifetime; you don’t have to share all your deep, dark secrets the first time you meet.#2: Set firm boundaries.
I’ve heard complaints from adoptive parents about birth moms who make frequent, unannounced visits and who criticize the adoptive parent’s parenting style.I’ve heard complaints from birth parents about adoptive parents who promise to let them visit or send gifts, and then renig on their promise or hide/discard the gifts the birth parents send.
If you’re truly going to have an open, honest relationship, you need to prepare for potential hot-button issues and then face them head-on. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s better to talk it out (with a mediator, if necessary) than to stew about it and allow it to ruin what could be a great friendship.
In my next post, I’ll suggest some boundary-setting exercises you can try.
Do you have an open adoption question for me? Ask away!
Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption World, my free monthly eZine. To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
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Here are some questions about open adoption I have received from readers:
Q: Did your son’s birth mother have other children after your son? If so, how has your son handled the information that she placed him for adoption yet decided to parent her other children?
A: Yes, both our sons’ birth moms had additional children. Our oldest son’s birth mom married and has three daughters. Our younger son’s birth parents had two more children together, both of whom they are parenting.
Because we visit our kids’ birth parents periodically, our sons have actually asked their birth parents that very question. Their birth parents explain to them that it isn’t because they didn’t want them or don’t love them (their love for them is obvious and our sons know it), but because they were quite young, not yet ready to be parents, and not financially able to manage parenting at that time in their lives.
Of course, my husband and I have answered this same question from our sons, but somehow it carries more weight when it comes “straight from the horse’s mouth.”
In an open adoption situation, it’s important for the birth and adoptive parents to discuss how you’ll respond to this question when your child asks. Your child needs to feel assured that everyone—especially his birth parent(s)—still loves him.
Q: Do you refer to your sons’ birth siblings as brother and sisters?
A: Yes. Sometimes we call them their birth sister/brother, to avoid confusion, but generally, we just refer to them by their names and everyone knows who’s who. Their birth siblings also refer to both our sons as their “big brothers.”
It’s kind of entertaining when people ask my sons how many siblings they have. Depending on the situation, their answers include the following:
Do you have an open adoption question for me? Ask away!
Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption World, my free monthly eZine. To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
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This month in Adoption World e-zine, you'll learn some of the typical questions asked of birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees who are involved in an open adoption (to start your free subscription, just fill in the form in the post directly above).
You may wish to delve deeper into the issue of open adoption -- or into other critical issues you face before, during, and after the adoption process. Consider pairing up with another person or with a small group to read and discuss The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
During May, I'm offering a special book club pack:
5 autographed copies for $50
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(You save $20 off retail price)10 autographed copies for $90
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Best-selling author Sandra Glahn calls The Adoption Decision “a kaleidoscope of vignettes, facts, sage wisdom, practical suggestions, and biblical counsel.”
If you wish to bypass PayPal, you can mail a check or money order to:
Laura Christianson
PO Box 1254
Snohomish, WA 98291-1254
A new study from the University of Minnesota found that about 14 percent of adopted adolescents are diagnosed with a behavioral disorder or have contact with a mental health professional. The rate for non-adopted teens is about half that.
Why the disparity? The study shows that it could be due to factors such as biological genes or the perinatal care the child’s birth mother received.
Well, that’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? Children who are placed for adoption are somewhat likely to have birth parents who have a mental illness or behavior disorder themselves. It seems reasonable that adopted children may inherit the same disorders—or at least the tendencies to have the same disorder.
Past studies have attributed the higher percentage of behavior disorders among adopted children to the fact that their adoptive parents are more proactive than the general population about recognizing the signs/symptoms, having their children tested, and seeking care psychiatric care for them.
The study also concluded that children adopted domestically (U.S.) are more likely to have behavioral disorders than those adopted internationally. Children of intercountry adoption are far more likely to internalize their problems (depression and separation anxiety disorders are common), whereas children adopted domestically tend to act out.
Seems to me that both domestically-adopted and internationally-adopted children are prone to behavior disorders, according to this study's results. What is different is the manner in which those disorders are manifested--either internally or externally.
Clinicians from the University of Minnesota interviewed (in person) nearly 700 adopted children and 540 non-adopted children, all ages 11 to 21. Participants had to have a non-adopted sibling within the same age range to help compare behaviors.
Source:
Kingsbury, Kathleen, “Adoptees More Likely to be Troubled,” TIME magazine, May 5, 2008
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If you like to walk, consider joining "Walk Me Home," a 5K (3.1 mile) walk to raise funds and awareness for foster care in the U.S.
Sponsored by The National Foster Parent Association, Walk Me Home is a great way to support the more than 513,000 children in U.S. foster care.
You can join one of the walks in your area (20 states are participating) or you can join the Virtual Walk. Over 100 Walks are expected to be conducted from May through October.
Walk Me Home...to the place I belong was created to:
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Announcing the winner of April's book giveaway contest:
Jen and Kris Howell of Tennessee won an autographed copy of The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Their "Spa Evening" was selected as the most innovative adoption fundraiser from the entries submitted.
Jen and Kris have been waiting two years to bring home their daughter from Korea. You can learn more about their active family at their blog: www.nighthowells.blogspot.com.
Congratulations, Jen and Kris! Your book is in the mail.
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More book giveaways coming soon in Adoption World, my free monthly eZine! To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
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If you're interested in learning how to become a better writer, blogger, and marketer, visit my new site, HeBlogsSheBlogs.com.
My business partner, Jim Rubart, and I started He Blogs, She Blogs last summer and we've been so busy working with clients (a good thing) that we put off launching our own Website until now. We created an all-in-one blog/Website, with our blog as the Home page. We'll be adding content and downloadable products on a regular basis, so visit us often.
During our Website's "grand opening" in May, we'll be giving away cool prizes to people who sign up for our free monthly "Bright Ideas Blogzine." If you sign up for our Blogzine before May 1, we'll enter your name TWICE in every giveaway during the month of May. The signup form is at the top of the sidebar.
You can also sign up to receive blog updates via e-mail or RSS -- the form is beneath our photos in the sidebar.
Please stop by HeBlogsSheBlogs.com and let us know what you think of the site.
Join me on Seattle's KVI 570 AM talk radio this Sunday, April 27, from 1-2 p.m. Pacific time, when we're going to talk "adoption" for a full hour.
Host Delaina Bochsler and I will be giving out free copies of my books, The Adoption Decision
"Life Talk With Delaina" is a listener call-in show, so you can ask a question about adoption while you're at it (Delaina is an adoptive mom, too). Here are the call-in numbers:
206-421-5757 or 1-888-312-5757
You can listen to the show live online.
I've done many remote radio interviews (aka, over the phone), and this is my first in-studio interview. I'm very excited, and I hope you'll join us!
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Enter to win an autographed copy of The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Here’s an entry from Beckie Stewart:
Take items from your home and instead of having a yard sale, have an adoption auction.
You can also ask friends and family to donate things. Hand out flyers and send out invitations for the event, and if you can, find a place to hold it other than your home.
Related Articles:
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Adoptive Families magazine is asking readers to nominate their favorite adoption books for their annual "best books" issue. If you're the first person to nominate a book they select to feature, you'll win a special gift from them (they don't say what the gift is).
If you liked my books, I'd appreciate a nomination in the following categories:
1. Most helpful how-to-adopt guides to read as you're deciding on adoption and working through the process:
The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
2. The special-interest parenting books you think every adoptive parent should read:
The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System
You can also nominate memoirs, children's books about adoption, and multicultural kids' books.
Submit your nomination by e-mailing letters@adoptivefamilies.com. Just tell them the name of the book, author's name, and why you like the book.
Today, guest columnist Leigh Stevens joins us. She shares how she is experiencing God's call to adopt internationally. As she and her husband await the right timing, they are providing financial assistance to other families who are adopting.
By Leigh Stevens
Guest Columnist
My family will tell you I was always inviting anyone in need to come live with us. In high school, a foreign exchange student was having problems with her sponsor family. I offered my parents' home to her and she became part of our family for that school year, so I guess the concept of “my home is your home” has always been there.
In January 1999, I went on a medical mission trip to India, 10 months before I met my husband. There, I went to a real orphanage for the first time. I remember thinking, I am going to adopt one day. On that particular visit, a little boy we’d seen in the clinic earlier in the day for a cold was running a high fever. He was curled up in the corner of a bunk bed all alone. I crawled in that bunk bed and picked him up, held him, and kissed him. I cried and cried. This precious child needed a mommy to hold and kiss him through his illness. This simple act that so many take for granted would never been known to this little child.
After my husband and I were married in 2001, we were driving back to Alabama from Massachusetts to start our married life. In the car ride, I was listening to Focus on the Family. They did a segment on adoption with Steven Curtis Chapman. He talked about adopting his daughter from China and all the fears that they had. As I listened, I knew that God was confirming in my heart that a child was waiting for me in another country.
As time passed we settled into our careers (I am a nurse anesthetist and my husband is an accountant) and married life. Little did we realize we would face infertility. After six years of marriage, we were unable to conceive a child. The sadness of infertility hit us—the whys, “this makes no sense,” the bitterness, the anger. The Lord reminded me about that child who goes to sleep every night wanting a mom and dad. That’s when I knew infertility treatment was not an option for us. I asked myself, “How can I pay all this money and waste time on something that may not work, when there are millions of beautiful children waiting for a home? We decided to adopt.
During this process I joined forces with KenyaRelief.org, an organization that started an orphanage in Kenya. We have expanded into opening a medical clinic for orphanages and the community, offering state-of-the-art medical care and medicine year round.
I joined their adopt-a-child program and my (sponsored) child is Kevin Chacha. I love this program! When I travel to Kenya, I get to stay on the same site as the orphanage so I have developed a relationship with him personally!
During my work with kenyarelief.org, God called me to go back to school to become a doctor so that I can do more for orphans. Currently, I am in my second year of medical school. Due to my medical training, it will be at least another 2-3 years before I can actually proceed with an adoption.
During our research on adoption, we realized a common theme that broke our hearts: financial hurdles that stop or prolong many adoptions. I asked Ray, “How can we bring home one or two children and leave millions behind? We have to do something now—not later—to offer hope for those left behind. That's why we founded Our Creator's Hope.
This Christian not-for profit organization offers grants to families needing financial assistance for domestic and international adoptions. In fact, we’re just awarded our first $1,000 grant, to the Asperger family. This family is adopting two brothers from Ethiopia. Their blog is Faith for the Journey.
I hope this organization will also be used to help churches worldwide develop resources and education tools to start orphan/adoption ministries for pre-adoption, during, and post-adoption families (just like we have woman, men, youth ministries in most churches). Our Creator's Hope would also educate and encourage Churches to develop grants/loans to their membership seeking adoption.
Sign up for Adoption World, my free monthly eZine! Just send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
Enter to win an autographed copy of The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Here’s an entry from Kris and Jen Howell:
To help raise money for our adoption we put on a “Spa For Sissy” evening for ladies of all ages. This fundraiser works great right before Christmas or before Mother’s Day.
INVITES
A scrapbooking friend made beautiful invites using pink card stock and terry cloth fabric to make a You Deserve a Spa Day invites. She packaged the invites in a clear container with a bottle of FUJI water, pink shower puff and some lotion donated by a Body Shop dealer.
There were spots for 25 women with a suggested donation of $25. The ladies came between 4 and 8 p.m.… mingled, snacked and signed up for the spa services.
SPA
I lined up professionals (each friend donated their services to the cause):
FOOD
Women in our church made finger foods, cakes, and desserts that were served by two of my youth girls and two adopted girls from China.
DECOR
We are adopting a girl from S. Korea, so we set up a table and filled it with little girl dolls, some clothes, books, and a memory book of all our documents and adoption paperwork up to that date. The ladies wrote messages to Sissy in her book. We had a large picture of our family on the table and in the black and white picture was a pink sweater waiting for our little girl. The pic made a great centerpiece.
We had lots of opportunities to share God's heart for the orphan and most importantly saw the love that our community had for our daughter so far away.
We raised more than we hoped for and had a great time waiting for Sissy. We are still waiting (25 months) and plan on doing another “Spa for Sissy” this summer!
Find related articles on Adoption Financing.
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This morning while I was working out on my treadmill, I watched a couple of episodes of "The Andy Griffith Show," Season 1, on DVD.
For those of you who are too young to have any idea who Andy Griffith (aka Matlock) is, the show aired from 1960-1966 and starred Andy Griffith (duh), Don Knotts, cute little "Ronny" Howard, and Frances Bavier.
I hadn't caught an episode for years (after all, I was a newborn when it first aired), but I found the show truly delightful. Whatever happened to the good, clean physical humor (Don Knotts is the master of that genre), witty dialogue, and--dare I say it--family values this show serves up in abundance?
In the episode I watched this morning, Andy meets an attractive young woman who is the new pharmacist in Mayberry (yay; a "working" woman ahead of her time!). Andy gives her an admiring glance and drawls, "I like your smile. It's...toothy."
I informed my 15-year-old son that he needs to tell his girlfriend her smile is "toothy."
He groaned and replied, "If I tell her that, she'll dump me in a second!"
Test your knowledge of the show!
Take this "Andy Griffith Show" trivia quiz (answers at the end of the post):
Trivia Quiz Answers
How'd you do?
As I was looking over the TV listings, I noticed that "The Memory Keeper's Daughter," a made-for-TV adaptation of Kim Edwards' novel by the same name, will be on Lifetime this Saturday at 9 p.m. The movie stars Dermot Mulroney as Dr. David Henry and Gretchen Nol as Norah.
I reviewed The Memory Keeper's Daughter last year on my blog, so I won't reiterate the plot here. While the novel was sometimes poignant, I commented that "the slow-paced narrative, while thought-provoking, regularly rehashes the same material; I felt as if I was watching an endless film loop replay itself in my mind."
That doesn't bode well for a made-for-TV movie; in fact, the movie review I read noted:
"When a book is so powerful and the characters are so vivid, it can be a letdown to see the book become a movie, as is sometimes the case with the Lifetime version of The Memory Keeper's Daughter."
Apparently, the movie has a "ridiculously pat ending" (as does the book, in my opinion). The highlight of the movie, according to the reviewer, was the fact that actors who have Down syndrome play Phoebe, the infant girl who is sent to live in an orphan asylum when her doctor father discovers "she's a Mongoloid."
So, if you're feeling the need to veg in front of the tube Saturday evening and you don't set your expectations too high, you might consider checking out this movie. As for me, I'm gonna pass. But if you watch it, be sure to write in and tell us what you thought of it.
Source for movie review:
Zap2it, by Jacqueline Cutler
Book Review: The Memory Keeper's Daughter
